Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

It was a usual morning, well except that my fencing coach found out that I'm playing soccer. Yea, he definitly wasn't thrilled about that as everyone standing near Daniel heard. But that's okay. It use to bother me when he got mad, now I just laugh.

I was planning on taking a nap this afternoon. Yea...that didn't happen. But I did finally get to get a cup of coffee with Courtney which was fun. And I got to bake brownies and chill with friends (when I should have been doing homework....but friends soooo come first. I can do the homework tonight).

I got to fencing practice late. "Ashley!!!! On the wall!" Practice went well. I had to leave early so I didn't get to bout, but that's okay cause soccer is worth it.

The soccer game was fun!!!!! I suck! I have not played outdoor soccer (or soccer) for sooo long! It was nuts! I hurt my arm, but its my left arm so thats okay. We won the game too. It was just so fun!! I with that we had a ton more games, as though it were a real season. I forgot how much I missed it. Playing on a team, and outdoor team, with eleven people. Okay, I'll shut up cause I could really go on about how much fun I had playing.

Robert's birthday is tonight. I'm excited. Its just so cool to be celebrating the life of such an awesome friend. We had a birthday for him with his family Friday night. In keeping with Will's tradition, I gave him a toast. Good tradition Will.

One more random thought:
It takes an old friend to remind you who you were
A new friend to remind you who you are
And a close friend to consider both and help you in the direction you need to go.

Today was relaxing. One of those days that feels like the exhale of a deep breathe. The worship service in the basement was really good. I enjoyed the smallness and the change of the norm. Lunch was a blast. It was soo cool and weird to see all the DCF people in Schilletter. Silas was so cute. He runs up to me.
"Hey Ashley!"
"Hey Silas, you look cold."
"Yup! I'm cold to pieces!" Cute kid.
I think some of the students were surprised to see little kids and people beyond their cohort in the dining hall, but most seemed cool with that.
Doug never showed. I was sad that I didn't get to see him again, but not too much cause I was able to spend so much time with him Friday and he's going to come back for a visit in a couple of weeks. Just kinda ironic that he didn't show up for his own good bye party. We all had fun though. Shannon is great.
Random snow ball fights and trips to bi-lo, that's the spice of life.
You know what taste great? Raspberry hot chocolate. You know what taste better? A heath bar dipped in raspberry hot chocolate. But the coffee ice cream was pretty good too. Hm...I guess I'm gonna have to go for a run tonight...
You know what else is great? People who come up and randomly visit the dorm room and hang out. That just makes my day.
What's not great: the food at schilletter, lol. (I figured since I started the greats, I may as well continue and through in a not great).
I dunno why, but I have found that I study better if I'm studying in the same room as someone else who is studying. Just the knowledge that someone else is working too helps I guess. I got so much more done on my paper then I had before. Speaking of my paper, I should get back to that...

I was doing well tonight at first. Good time sledding, great movie (equilibrium), surprise party for one of my friends, eating dinner with people I hadn't seen in a long time, and working on homework. But then Tara gave me his live journal address. I didn't know he had one. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like such a b*tch. I didn't want to be comforted by people, so I decided to go for a run. Hmm...girl going alone at night to run. Not smart. So I got Ryan to go with me. Fike was closed so we ran on the icy roads. We didn't run for a long time cause Ryan was having a hard time keep up on the ice (southern boy), so we walked and talked about what was on my mind. It was helpful just to voice what I was feeling and what was wrong. Well, now I need to go work on my English paper. Tomorrow church is canceled, so we're having a worship service in the basement of the dorm which should be good and my team is scrimmaging another in soccer which will be fun. I hope I don't play like a retard. Paper calls.

I have the worlds greatest roommate. I made it for awhile about crying, until she hugged me and then I just fell apart. She kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, but I still feel like a b*tch. To see him hurting so much and to know its because of me was more then I could handle. Tara just hugged me. She is wonderful. James came too and I talked to the two of them for awhile. But the best part was Matt, Roy, and Ryan all coming in. They helped to take my mind off everything which was fun. Robert's birthday party was great!! Wonderful food and great people. I was able to get my mind off everything and really enjoy being with people. I was so glad that Doug went and we all got to spend time with him before he leaves. I'm going to miss him so much. It was also great to have that special time for Robert. He's such an awesome person. I wish you could all know him. He and Doug were the two I was closest to last semester. Sitting on the floor in a head/foot/back massage circle just talking at Robert's house was wonderful. I felt so happy and like spaggetti. Today I woke up feeling like crap remembering what happened yesterday. His away message didn't help. Tara hugged me before I started to cry again. But the snow helped get my mind off it. On the way to lunch (yea, I slept in) Robert, Ryan, McAlister, Brittney, Kalin and I played in the snow. Some of us had a bit of a snow ball fight. At the dining hall they gave us trays to sled on. So Mark, James, Ryan, Kalin and I went sledding all over campus. It was wonderful and sooo fun!!! It worked better then I thought!!! Talk about good times. My friends are great!!!! I'm really glad I have them. So, yes, I still hurt everytime I think of him, but at the same time I'm enjoying being with people and enjoying the snow and everything. LET IT SNOW!

I feel like a horrible, wretched excuse of a person. I wish I could just cease to exist or ball up in a hole and disappear. I just feel like showering for hours to try to get off the crud of what I am even though I know it won't help. I don't have the words to describe my wretched and horrible existence. I'm going to go now and either stick my head in a pillow and cry or punch the pillow til it bursts.

I'm really not in the mood to be working on homework right now, so I may as well be productive and post. I don't know what to say, but you know me, once I get started I don't shut up easily. Today was a day. Sound redundant? I don't know how else to describe it. Went through my normal routine, nothing too interesting happened. Biology was fascinating because we discussed how different drugs affect the brain, but I nearly fell asleep in stats. I did crash for awhile when I got back to me dorm. OHH!!! Running around the hall throwing darts with Ryan and Matt was fun. But then they ganged up on me. Grrr. =-)

Hmm...Enough brainless chit chat? How what's going on below the surface? Actually, I feel overall content. Yea, there is that one thing that I'm still struggling with, but I'm pretty sure of what I need to do now, just when and how is the question, so its not as bad as it was before.

Its cool to see how God opens up windows that we are too hard-hearted and self focused to look for. I've been eating breakfast in my dorm in the morning instead of with people at Harcombe because my schedule is different from all of them. Its worked out wonderfully because everyone is gone when I get up and I can spend that time with Him. I keep praying for Him to change me. I keep feeling like I'm the same as before, but then He reminds me to leave it up to Him. I ran across a troubling passage this morning. Its been bugging me all day. I think I'm going to bring it up in my bible study tonight and see what Monica thinks. If she doesn't know then I'll ask my house church pastor on Sunday. Or, if I get impatient, I'll look up commentaries on-line (the later is the most likely).

Its been cool to be developing deeper friendships this semester. It makes such a difference to have people I can be real with and who are real. But one of my close friends from last semester is moving back to Charleston this week. He was there for me through everything that happened last semester, I could be real with him, we could laugh about stupid stuff... I'm really going to miss him.

Okay, let's get away from that topic before I cry. On a different note, my biology professor thinks marajana should be legalized and it doesn't damage the brain and is fine to use. Interesting debate. One of those fun ones. Now I get to right a poem about drugs and the brain. I'm thinking of doing it from the druggies point of view. I'm excited, for once, about writing this biology poem. I think it'll be fun. Yea, I'm a geek. Oh well.

Ever have times when you know you don't want to be real, but people are expecting you to say exactly what's been on your heart and mind lately? Ever not know how to tell them that you don't feel that comfortable with a group of ten people you don't really know? So, I was real and told them that. I didn't want to say how I've been and what's been on my mind. I hope I didn't offend any of them. I had expected when I went to get into the word with them. I had been looking forward to it, but that wasn't even mentioned. We were each instead put on the spot. Oh well.

My parents came yesterday. They didn't stay long, but it was good to see them. Dad's struggling. I can tell. I can see it in his eyes. It hurts to see him. I guess I had never really seen him hurting until the end of my senior year, and now it seems like the pain is almost constant. I hate to see anyone hurt, but even more I hate to see those close to me hurting. I want so bad to do something to help, but I can't. I want to scream, cry, take the pain on myself, but can't. I feel helpless. I can pray, but sometimes it just feels like that isn't enough. Ironic huh? The very thing that will help the most feels like I'm doing nothing. I know I need to have more faith. I need to trust. Its just so hard sometimes. He's slowly growing me, painfully slowly. Pray for me if you think of it.

But overall life is wonderful. God has blessed me beyond anything I had hoped. I was so scared coming to college. Remember? I was afraid of my roommate, afraid that I wouldn't make friends, afraid I wouldn't have any close friends for a long time, afraid of my classes and professors, afraid that I wouldn't find a church where I belonged, afraid of failing, afraid... Wow I have such little faith!

Hmm...I need to head out to LTG now. Its at a coffee shop, yay! Mary's working at the coffee shop tonight too. Its fun to see her places outside of just the fencing context. I with I had time to get to know her better cause she is great. I'm really looking forward to LTG, which is good cause I definitly didn't last semester. At 8pm I'm gonna work out with Kelly. Its been cool working out with her and getting to know her outside of a fencing context. Cause right after that I have fencing. Well, Tara is telling me its time to go. So much for getting homework done before the insanity began...

Yesterday I wrote a happy post. I was in a great mood and it had been a great day. But my computer decided that it needed to give me a reason to be alittle less happy and lost my post. But today was a good day too, so take that evil computer!

I actually got to sleep in today because biology was canceled. I think I would have died if it wasn't, but I did get a lot done last night. Both my classes let out early. But none of that is what made my day. You see what makes me the most happy is to see people I know between classes. It's the little things: my roommate sneaking up behind me and tickling me while I was holding hot chocolate on my way to class, seeing Matt and Roy on their way to English and them stopping to talk. Stuff like that. A girl in my English class overheard the conversation and after first getting over the surprise that they were not in our class but still talked to me, she was shocked that I had never been out West. I'm definitly thinking I need to go out there this summer or spring break. It sounds awesome. But yea, that completely made my day.

I hung out with Chris this afternoon, played some pool, tossed a frisbee. Its....well...a bit better. But still weird cause he doesn't talk. Yea, I know, I talk a lot, but I really get tired of trying to come up with things to talk about after awhile, so its hard to be around him for a long period of time. But we still had fun and it was better then before.

Fencing was fun. "Kelly, Ashley, push ups now." Kelly and I looked at eachother shrugged, and dropped to do them. "What are you doing? Get off the ground!" Fickle coaches =-P
"Two in the hand, one in the mouth, that's Joel's motto" as Joel tried to catch three tenis balls, one in the mouth.
Mitchell balancing his epee on his chin.
A bunch more jokes that have to be censored so much that they are unpostable (yea...interesting people).

I worked out and ran with Kelly after, which was fun.

OH!!! James and Michael taught me how to play halo!! It was fun!! I'm so terrible that is was funny. What fun!

Now I'm chilling, hearing various random shots and bangs from the dorm room across from me while they're having a "party". James and Robert are watching the Daily show in here. Oh! James broke our futon. It's soo funny! James weighs less then me (well, almost, he's really thin), and right before he sat down three guys had been sitting on it. They get up, James sits down and all four boards snap. "James, get you're fat butt off our futon" some said. How ironic.

Yea, I know, all I typed was events, nothing personal or how I am doing. Personally, I'm doing good except for that one ongoing, confusing situation. Also, I feel God pulling at my heart, but I'm so apathetic when I comes to spending time with him. I'm also struggling with trusting him with every aspect of my life. I'm such a control freak sometimes. There are just somethings that I want to handle on my own. There are also two of my friends going through a really hard time. Its just so hard to see them going through that. It kills me because I want to do something to help, but there isn't anything I can do. One I talked to for a long time today. I just wanted to ask God if he hadn't already been through enough this year without adding this on top of it. But He reminded me that He has a plan, and who am I to question what is good for him. But yet again, that whole liking to be in control issue is getting in the way again. But life for me is good. I'm happy and enjoying it and learning to trust God more.

Wow, this was a long post. Good night.

Today was a good day. Never before have I turned off my alarm in my sleep. Most people would think that would make a day bad. Okay, I did feel really bad for my friends and was disappointed I didn't get to go to breakfast with them, but it was sorta fun in a way, adventurous. To realize that you've done something everyone else has but you havn't and to fly through getting ready and getting friends together to leave. We made it ontime, but minus breakfast. Early thing morning (before sleep) in the laundry room was fun too. Just chillin' and enjoying being with people.

"Ashley, you're quite today." Doug looked at me with that concerned look. Okay, something was on my mind, but it wasn't too bad. And sometimes I'm just more quiet then others, it doesn't always mean something is wrong.

Talked to him today. Yes, miracle, we actually had a conversation meaning both spoke. Basically we didn't get anywhere but our feelings in the open, but that's good at least. We're decided to keep things the same and see what happens. Maybe the openness will have helped some of the weirdness. Time will tell. But in the mean time I'm alot happier that things are in the open. So life is better.

I loved hanging out with everyone!! It was so nice to have people hanging in our dorm room, which has been rare lately. The football games were boring but it was fun being with people. Discussing biology and chemistry with John, braiding Matt's hair and playing cards, goofing off with Amanda, laughing at James break our sofa (what in our room hasn't been broken), among other things. I love people. Good times.

Remember how I use to cry easy when I was tired? You'd say hello and I'd cry. Well I think that changed. Twice today I started laughing and couldn't stop. Nothing was funny, I just started laughing. I think Chris thought I went insane.

I feel like God is pulling me closer to him, but I'm still so apathetic and feel so far away. I want to change, but... I can't explain what I"m feeling tonight. I"m too tired. Good night.

I don't know what to do. It seems to be getting worse instead of better. A friend asked me how I was doing today. "I'm great, well except..." I just keep wondering if its worth it to keep trying. If it works out then it'd probably be worth it, but I have a feeling that it won't. But I think I'm more afraid of ending it then trying to stick it out. I'm afraid of losing his friendship in a way, afraid of what will happen with all are mutual friends, and afraid of what will happen to the friendships I built since. See, its easier to hang out with guy friends and get to know them if either I or they are taken. You can become close without worrying about it being taken the wrong way. If this does end, then I don't want to do anything else for a quite a long time. But even with that knowledge, my friendships probably won't be the same. So I guess I'm more afraid of the reprocussions of ending it, then the struggle and frustration of trying to stick it out. I'm hoping that if I stick it out then either it will work out or come to a mutual end. Who knows. I'm rambling and whining, but I need to get this out. Its just bothering me so much. I normally wouldn't talk about this, but since only two of you know the person, I feel alittle safer, but still not completely open. Bother. Or maybe the problem is with me. Did I change that much over break? Am I just not being understanding? Am I expecting too much?

Soccer was fun, but I was frustrated that the hospital thing didn't work out. At least I'll get to go next week. I sucked so bad in soccer today, it was terrible and embarrassing. One of those times when afterwards you just want to crawl into a hole and not move. I may as well have been a telephone pole for all the good I did.

I know, I'm complaining today and this is not a cheery post.

Last night I stayed up til 2:30 hanging out with friends. It was wonderful. Just chillin' in the dorm, kicking around a soccer ball and goofing off. That's the good things in life.

It was fun hanging out with Courtney tonight. Again getting the opportunity of one on one time which is always wonderful.

I seriously debated deleting this post. But this blog is here for me to release on, not for what others think, so I'm leaving it.

I understood math today! It made me happy. Today was one of those mornings which are wonderfully cold. The air just feels alive, in the morning at least. We hung out today. It's still weird. Hopefully time will help, cause this weirdness is not fun and its quite uncomfortable. It makes me wish at almost every moment that I was somewhere else. But I don't want to give up because I remember what it was like before, and I hate giving up, especially on people.

I met with Monica and Tara today for LTG. It was really good. We didn't really start getting into anything, just mostly catching up on the last month and talking about our struggles and life. So I guess we did get into something: realness and our lives. Its awesome to have a supportive group like that. I think what hit me the most was Monica talking about how she learned to not try to get into everything and meet everyone. You wind up putting 2% of your time into alot of people and never build strong bonds. I have a problem with that. I want to get to know everyone. I was so afraid that I was going to have a hard time making friends, now the problem is trying to find time to spend with them. I guess its harder cause they are from different groups that don't intermingle very much. The fencers don't know the DCF people who don't know many of the floor people who don't know as many people from other floors. I guess I've started trying to just build deeper relationships with a few people lately. Meeting people for coffee or lunch one on one. It's been good. Or taking long random walks to catch up on life. Or randomly hanging out at night with a small group. Or accidently forgetting my laundry.

I was almost in tears and he just stared at me with that "oh man this is uncomfortable and I don't know what to do look". But that's okay. He's a guy and some guys aren't use to emotion. Although a hug would have been nice.

I've gotten this habit of staying up late, and as much as I should, I don't want to change it. I get to know people and see people and hang out with people I don't normally get to during the day. Sleep is overrated anyway.

I had a poem stuck in my head today. It brought back so many memories. Memories of AP English class. Sitting outside on the hill by the tree with Mrs. Goffin requesting that we put the poem to music. The guys realizing that the tune of Evanescence songs were in the same rhythm and pattern as the poem. Hearing Meri and the guys singing it to various tunes while feeling the sun on my back. Memories of uniforms and tea and scones. Duct tape balls and sitting the hall.

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourished by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.
-William Shakespeare

It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes...

It is a great day!! It seems like my best days come after nights of no sleep. Connection? Maybe sleep is overrated. Everything just seemed to fit together today. I sat with friends at breakfast who I hadn't seen in a long time. The air was a frigid 19 degrees on the way to class, but they were giving out free hot chocolate on the library bridge which made life happy. We had a good discussion in English and then spent Spanish just sitting in small groups and getting to know eachother in Spanish. I met a girl with the same major as me and who is a freshman too. She seems awesome. Walked and talked with a friend to psych, which was fun cause I don't get to see him much either. Psych was interesting as usual. We got out early, so I hung out with a girl from my spanish class last semester and this semester who is in my psych class. We went to the post office (where I jumped in the window to say hey to Doug) and got coffee. Bio lab was great too. I have an awesome TA, and know six people. Three from my lecture, one from my hall, one from CU 101 last semester, and one from house church. We got out in ten minutes, so I went to lunch with Rachel (from DCF) and we had a good time hanging out. Now I'm getting ready to go get all my major stuff straightened out. I'm in one of the moods where they could tell me anything and it won't phase me cause I'm in such a good mood. I feel like singing, or dancing or something! I guess it kinda makes up for my stupidity last night. I was up so late cause I'm a retard. I put my laundry in the washer and forgot about it til after 1 am, so I had to go take care of it and wait on it. But a friend came down with oreos and milk (that just made up for all my stupidity and thoughts of lack of sleep) and we talked while I waited. Its so wonderful getting to know people. I'm kinda afraid of losing touch with people if I try to get to know too many. I mean, you run into the whole problem of either having alot of friends to hang out with, or a smaller group of close friends. Maybe I'm exaggerating or thinking too much.

Oh! I love itunes. I'm sitting here listening to country. I havn't listened to country since I was at home. Goodness, I'm happy =-) Have a great day everyone!

I'm happy!! There's this thing called itunes where you can access the music files of anyone who lives in your dorm building. It's awesome!! I was going through it today and someone has some of the old evanescence songs, from her early CDs. It made my night. Also, my friend from across the hall got me chai, which made my night as well. I got to walk and talk with Robert today, which I havn't done in a long time. It was good to talk to him again, cause I havn't in a long time. This is going to be a rambly post (if that's a word), but most have been lately. Fencing was good today. Well, I didn't fence well, but at least it was funny. And I ran two miles after. It was nice to run again, I really need to make myself do it more. My roommate was in a really good mood today which was fun. Craziness. =-)

FRUSTRATION!!!!!!! Dumb stupid major requirements. Not only will I not have enough time to take the courses I want, but if I have any hope of not having to go an extra semester, I'm going to have to kill myself during the year and take classes over the summer. Realization sucks. Come to find out, PT requires a lot more then my first advisor originally told me. That on top of my L&IH requirements = AHHH! Now that I realize it, all the class I need are already closed, so I can't even add anymore to help out. And guess what else? The classes that I thought could count for both, a couple of those won't. Insanity. Okay, I'm done venting.

I fell asleep in a friend's room last night. I'd feel guity, but I'm too tired to. I don' t think I slept long, but I'm not sure. Thankfully no one did anything mean to me. =-)

I'm glad I'm making deeper friendships here. But I'm starting to feel alittle like I neglect some when I hang out with others. Like there are too many that I want to hang out with and its not physically possible to do so, which sucks.

Speaking of friends, I got to hang out with Kelly today. My stats class let out early, so we sat in the library with coffee and sushi and talked. I love stuff like that. Little moments in the day when you can just sit and enjoy being with a friend. Not the chaos of a big group. I love big groups of people, but there is something I love about one on one time, or small group time with friends. Am I rambling? I think I am. But I have something else on my mind. Well, alot on my mind, but since I'm procrastinating on reading my psych, I may as well talk about that.

In my psych book, there was this woman who use to what her little brothers and sisters and write notes on how they interacted and changed. It made me think of kindergarden. Somedays I'd go play with all the other little kids, but there were times when I chose not too. I enjoyed sitting on this hill that looked over the playground and just watching and listening to them. Seeing who played with whom, what they did, and all that stuff. I can still remember some of it, lol. I was a weird kid I guess. I didn't do anything like that again until sixth grade when I switched to a private school. I became sorta quiet (mostly since people wouldn't talk to me =-P ) and just watched. I still remember a lot that I noticed from then as well. You learn so much by stepping back and watching. Now that you all see how insane I am, I better get back to work.

She reminded me so much of her that it hurt. The way she looked, her voice...
I thought maybe talking about it would help, but then I ended up just bringing up bad memories for a friend. I feel really bad about that. So I sat back, shut up and thought. I know she's in a better place, she's far happier there then here, and that there was a reason. But its been 7 months and I still wish it had been me some days. I never thought it would take this long to get over losing people. Not just her, but the other two also. Okay, I'll stop with the depressing topic.

Ice skating today was fun. A bit weird though. We're going through and awkward time (speaking of awkward that is a weird word to type, maybe I'm spelling it wrong). We had a talk tonight, after getting back. Well, yet again it was comparable to pulling teeth. Its frustrating and I don't quite know what to do about it. It makes me almost ... never mind. In a way I feel... you know what, second thought, I'm not going to go into this.

I'm surprised how good I've been doing today for having only gotten three hours of sleep. Bummer, I have to go back to classes tomorrow. Oh well. Maybe I'll post again later, maybe not.

It's 5:30 am, so I may as well stay up a bit longer and update. I guess I havn't been updating much, cause when I think of something to update about, I wind up talking about it to a friend then don't bother to write it here. Oh well. It's been awesome being back and getting to know people. I'm finally getting to know people on a deeper level. The conversations have been awesome and have really stretched me with things that I hadn't thought of before and make me realize how little I really know. Faith wise I'm doing better. No, I'm still struggling with apathy, but God is really tugging my heart back to Him. Its amazing that He doesn't give up on me, cause I sure deserve to be given up on. I'm feeling kinda torn right now. I have too many groups of people that I want to hang out with and I keep having to choose which one to hang out with. I hate that, the choosing. I'm close to a couple in different groups. I'm going to continue making this one long run on paragraph cause I don't feel like using my brain. Ice skating was fun today. We played tag on ice, sooo awesome. Yea...I know I need to deal with it, I'm just afraid to open that box but thank you for the advice and empathy.

YAY!! I'm back in Clemson! It was fun to come back, but weird. Its odd seeing some people, cause some things have changed. But with time it'll be good. I loved getting to spend sunday morning breakfast with Natalie and catching up. Goofing off in Jared and Robert's room with bunches of people, ultimate frisbee, and staying up late with friends in Kalin's room.

Stuff has been on my mind lately. I've been wondering. Time will work it out and tell, I hope.

I walked into the dorm room to see my roommate when she moved it. There was a book lying on the table. So I read the title aloud: "Hey Idiot". Tara and Natalie both stop and star at me for a second, I point at the book and they laughed. "Oh! For a second I thought you were talking to me! So nice to see you to roomie!"

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
"Burnt Norton" by T.S. Eliot

I'm in such a bad mood right now. So pissed off. This post is very edited to what I would say if I didn't care about being offensive. I think I'm going to go punch something.

Memory is such a weird creature. It is sweet and painful. Why does it hurt so much to remember? Probably because we know that we cannot go back. We're closing a book on that section of life. "Portraits don't change once they're hung on the wall." Who we were then we'll never be again. The same moment can never rehappen no matter how good or bad it was. Which is a good thing. Change is good, fun, interesting, but its hard at the same time. Can you tell I've been packing? I've been going through my room getting ready to go back to Clemson. As I pack I'm finding old notes and pictures. A picture here of us in stolen Plague shirts, a picture there of us hanging out randomly (as usual), a random picture of us all in the car, a picture of us when we were so little (how long many of us have been together!). Yea, I'll be fine again once I'm back in Clemson among those friends and busy again. I'm so ready to leave here. But in a way I'm not. I'm beating an old bush aren't I? I've said this before. Oh well. Just ignore it. I guess I needed somewhere to process and let go of the way I was feeling. Remember coffee shops? Helping helping eachother with math? Predestination debates? Postmodernism and existential discussions? Talking of real life and joking of the future. We're going to open a bookstore in Europe and make pottery and have a garden and sell flowers in the pottery. We're going to be in the CIA. We'll never grow up. Every time I drink coffee, everytime I play soccer, everytime I hear someone mention postmodernism, religion, or books, whenever I see: e^ipi = -1 , I think of you. (Although I jumped from person to person I believe most of you will have followed). There have been good times (as JC would say). I'm sorry for taking you (all) for granted. You are better friends then I could have asked for.

It's weird to think of going back now that its been awhile since I've seen these people. It'll be good though. There is alot I will do different this semester. I want to try to not take me friends for granted (I know, it'll happen). There is so much more. I messed up, you know? Course you do. But God's not done with me yet, so please be patient, I'm still a work in progress. Isn't He awesome? How He never gives up on us? I run away so often, but He is forever patient, forever loving, forever forgiving. Uncomprehendable love. May all praise and glory be to the God of all grace!

Fasinating, how someone says something to you suddenly, simply, unexpectedly, that shines a light deeper into the mire of yourself then you had in awhile. And in that light you are confronted. That, my friends, is that hand of God working through a friend.

Today was a good day. I actually woke up in a good mood. Matt and Courtney came up and played soccer with me up at the indoor center which was awesome (great playing with you again Ian). I hope the Plague gets revived. I would love to play with all you guys again this summer. Remember? Coffee shops and ice cream, the cops leg, fear of Barley's, playing soccer in empty parking lots, rivalry with andromeda, and late nights at the Waffle. People at Clemson make funny comments about my Plague shirt, I answer them, but inside I'm smiling and remembering all of you.

Most people at Clemson find it odd that I use to hang out with friends at coffee shops. Its hard to explain to them.

Ever wonder what would have happened if you made a different decision? I mean, looking back on life and seeing this one point, this one decision that could have changed to much of what your life now is. Ever wonder what would have happened if you picked the other option. That bugs me some days. But then I realize that I'm happy with where I've ended up. I probably would have been just as happy with the other decision. I guess that gives hope for future decisions.

It was wonderful to see Clemson people again. It makes me excited to be going back. Just a week ago I was feeling reluctant about leaving. But that was before everyone left again.

Scared, nervous, but it'll be okay soon...I hope. It's so confusing!! Ugh, I dont' want to think about it anymore.

Anotherdayin1984: i think that it is the hurt that serves to throw the joy into such striking relief.

Hello.
I was lazy today. I stayed in my PJs most of the day. Read. Played piano. Made fudge. Yup, today was lazy. I finally got dressed cause Eric came over to say hey. I hadn't seen him all break, and it was fun hanging out with him.

My fudge never hardens. Grrr.

I really don't have anything to say. So I'll shut up.

Soooo nic e to be fencing again, even if I had to fence foil. It was so weird to switch to foil at first, especially since no one told me how to attack or parry with it. It was the whole watch and learn type thing.
"Okay Ashley, what type of attack did you do and how did she react?"
"I fainted to her four and disengaged ... umm.." yea...all different position numbers.
And the weirdness of being hit with a point and not a blade. But I'll admit I had fun though. Especially doing the scales. I might do that now and then for fun.

Kick boxing rocked too. But on top two full days of fencing, it killed my muscles and reminded me that I should have exercised more over the break.

It was fun to get to hang out with Kalin and Matt and the fencers. I realized how much I missed them all.

Wow, my eyes keep shutting from exhaustion. I havn't gotten much sleep lately and the drive home almost killed me. But for some reason I just don't want to go to bed. I guess its weird to go from so many people in one spot back to a completely empty house.

I started reading a book. My brain is blanking out on the name. It is by Hemingway. I'm really liking it. It has sun in the name. Wow, I should probably get some sleep since I am no longer making sense.

Go, go, go, said the bird: human kindCannot bear very much reality.

-T.S. Eliot "Burnt Norton"

I know I havn't posted in awhile. I've wanted to post...just havn't. I wanted to post because I hated leaving you on that dismal note. I wanted to tell you that things got better (which they did). Some relationships went back to the point where they had left off three months ago. Others...it will take time. Its strange, I was so unhappy here the first few days home, now I want to grasp each moment, hold it, and not let it go. I finally am feeling comfortable again here, only to go back. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be going back. I just know it will be awkward the first week, and it means I have to say goodbye again. Will it be this way for the next four years? Does it get any easier?

I dunno. I've been so preoccupied with time lately. I guess three funerals in six months of people close to you will give you a definite check on your own mortality and life.

"Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more."

I have had this sense this year (no, not 2005, I guess I'm actually refering to last year then) of wanting to live every moment. Mrs. Goffin use to always say: is there any other place you would rather be? It use to baffle me. Of course I'd rather be somewhere else right now then in class! But then I relized that I am here in this moment, like it or not, and if I live each moment wishing it was another I will wind up wishing most of my life away. In hard times, we remember that God has us in that moment for a purpose, why do we not do the same for the mundane ones?

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time"

A lot of what we call boring or fun is often a matter of point of view, or to me it appears to be.

I found my old poetry notebook stuffed with poems I'd printed and papers I'd written. In the very front was T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets. Fascinating reading a poem preoccupied with time while already pondering hte concept of time. I also realized that I missed reading poetry.

I also found my senior paper notebook. Ah yes, you ACA people probably remember well and yet not fondly that notebook. I read through some of the interviews and part of my paper and remembered why it interested me. The human mind is fascinating (I seem to be stuck on that word tonight). How it works and what makes us who we are, do what we do, see things as we do. So I've been pondering that lately.

Have I been thinking too much for being on break? Most likely. That's what happens when you have too much time on your hands.

Speaking of thinking, I've had some fascinating (may as well use it again) conversations with people about topics like: what makes someone a best friend, or a friend even? what is the basis of a relationship? where do we get our personality and can it change? can it be trusted? Seems like I'm not the only one with too much time on my hands.

Do I have regrets from this break? Yes. Fahrenheit 451.


Let us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a patient etherised upon a table;

Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats

Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

Streets that follow like a tedious argument

Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question …

Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”

Let us go and make our visit.
T.S. Eliot "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock