Thursday, January 27, 2005
I'm really not in the mood to be working on homework right now, so I may as well be productive and post. I don't know what to say, but you know me, once I get started I don't shut up easily. Today was a day. Sound redundant? I don't know how else to describe it. Went through my normal routine, nothing too interesting happened. Biology was fascinating because we discussed how different drugs affect the brain, but I nearly fell asleep in stats. I did crash for awhile when I got back to me dorm. OHH!!! Running around the hall throwing darts with Ryan and Matt was fun. But then they ganged up on me. Grrr. =-)
Hmm...Enough brainless chit chat? How what's going on below the surface? Actually, I feel overall content. Yea, there is that one thing that I'm still struggling with, but I'm pretty sure of what I need to do now, just when and how is the question, so its not as bad as it was before.
Its cool to see how God opens up windows that we are too hard-hearted and self focused to look for. I've been eating breakfast in my dorm in the morning instead of with people at Harcombe because my schedule is different from all of them. Its worked out wonderfully because everyone is gone when I get up and I can spend that time with Him. I keep praying for Him to change me. I keep feeling like I'm the same as before, but then He reminds me to leave it up to Him. I ran across a troubling passage this morning. Its been bugging me all day. I think I'm going to bring it up in my bible study tonight and see what Monica thinks. If she doesn't know then I'll ask my house church pastor on Sunday. Or, if I get impatient, I'll look up commentaries on-line (the later is the most likely).
Its been cool to be developing deeper friendships this semester. It makes such a difference to have people I can be real with and who are real. But one of my close friends from last semester is moving back to Charleston this week. He was there for me through everything that happened last semester, I could be real with him, we could laugh about stupid stuff... I'm really going to miss him.
Okay, let's get away from that topic before I cry. On a different note, my biology professor thinks marajana should be legalized and it doesn't damage the brain and is fine to use. Interesting debate. One of those fun ones. Now I get to right a poem about drugs and the brain. I'm thinking of doing it from the druggies point of view. I'm excited, for once, about writing this biology poem. I think it'll be fun. Yea, I'm a geek. Oh well.
Ever have times when you know you don't want to be real, but people are expecting you to say exactly what's been on your heart and mind lately? Ever not know how to tell them that you don't feel that comfortable with a group of ten people you don't really know? So, I was real and told them that. I didn't want to say how I've been and what's been on my mind. I hope I didn't offend any of them. I had expected when I went to get into the word with them. I had been looking forward to it, but that wasn't even mentioned. We were each instead put on the spot. Oh well.
My parents came yesterday. They didn't stay long, but it was good to see them. Dad's struggling. I can tell. I can see it in his eyes. It hurts to see him. I guess I had never really seen him hurting until the end of my senior year, and now it seems like the pain is almost constant. I hate to see anyone hurt, but even more I hate to see those close to me hurting. I want so bad to do something to help, but I can't. I want to scream, cry, take the pain on myself, but can't. I feel helpless. I can pray, but sometimes it just feels like that isn't enough. Ironic huh? The very thing that will help the most feels like I'm doing nothing. I know I need to have more faith. I need to trust. Its just so hard sometimes. He's slowly growing me, painfully slowly. Pray for me if you think of it.
But overall life is wonderful. God has blessed me beyond anything I had hoped. I was so scared coming to college. Remember? I was afraid of my roommate, afraid that I wouldn't make friends, afraid I wouldn't have any close friends for a long time, afraid of my classes and professors, afraid that I wouldn't find a church where I belonged, afraid of failing, afraid... Wow I have such little faith!
Hmm...I need to head out to LTG now. Its at a coffee shop, yay! Mary's working at the coffee shop tonight too. Its fun to see her places outside of just the fencing context. I with I had time to get to know her better cause she is great. I'm really looking forward to LTG, which is good cause I definitly didn't last semester. At 8pm I'm gonna work out with Kelly. Its been cool working out with her and getting to know her outside of a fencing context. Cause right after that I have fencing. Well, Tara is telling me its time to go. So much for getting homework done before the insanity began...
Hmm...Enough brainless chit chat? How what's going on below the surface? Actually, I feel overall content. Yea, there is that one thing that I'm still struggling with, but I'm pretty sure of what I need to do now, just when and how is the question, so its not as bad as it was before.
Its cool to see how God opens up windows that we are too hard-hearted and self focused to look for. I've been eating breakfast in my dorm in the morning instead of with people at Harcombe because my schedule is different from all of them. Its worked out wonderfully because everyone is gone when I get up and I can spend that time with Him. I keep praying for Him to change me. I keep feeling like I'm the same as before, but then He reminds me to leave it up to Him. I ran across a troubling passage this morning. Its been bugging me all day. I think I'm going to bring it up in my bible study tonight and see what Monica thinks. If she doesn't know then I'll ask my house church pastor on Sunday. Or, if I get impatient, I'll look up commentaries on-line (the later is the most likely).
Its been cool to be developing deeper friendships this semester. It makes such a difference to have people I can be real with and who are real. But one of my close friends from last semester is moving back to Charleston this week. He was there for me through everything that happened last semester, I could be real with him, we could laugh about stupid stuff... I'm really going to miss him.
Okay, let's get away from that topic before I cry. On a different note, my biology professor thinks marajana should be legalized and it doesn't damage the brain and is fine to use. Interesting debate. One of those fun ones. Now I get to right a poem about drugs and the brain. I'm thinking of doing it from the druggies point of view. I'm excited, for once, about writing this biology poem. I think it'll be fun. Yea, I'm a geek. Oh well.
Ever have times when you know you don't want to be real, but people are expecting you to say exactly what's been on your heart and mind lately? Ever not know how to tell them that you don't feel that comfortable with a group of ten people you don't really know? So, I was real and told them that. I didn't want to say how I've been and what's been on my mind. I hope I didn't offend any of them. I had expected when I went to get into the word with them. I had been looking forward to it, but that wasn't even mentioned. We were each instead put on the spot. Oh well.
My parents came yesterday. They didn't stay long, but it was good to see them. Dad's struggling. I can tell. I can see it in his eyes. It hurts to see him. I guess I had never really seen him hurting until the end of my senior year, and now it seems like the pain is almost constant. I hate to see anyone hurt, but even more I hate to see those close to me hurting. I want so bad to do something to help, but I can't. I want to scream, cry, take the pain on myself, but can't. I feel helpless. I can pray, but sometimes it just feels like that isn't enough. Ironic huh? The very thing that will help the most feels like I'm doing nothing. I know I need to have more faith. I need to trust. Its just so hard sometimes. He's slowly growing me, painfully slowly. Pray for me if you think of it.
But overall life is wonderful. God has blessed me beyond anything I had hoped. I was so scared coming to college. Remember? I was afraid of my roommate, afraid that I wouldn't make friends, afraid I wouldn't have any close friends for a long time, afraid of my classes and professors, afraid that I wouldn't find a church where I belonged, afraid of failing, afraid... Wow I have such little faith!
Hmm...I need to head out to LTG now. Its at a coffee shop, yay! Mary's working at the coffee shop tonight too. Its fun to see her places outside of just the fencing context. I with I had time to get to know her better cause she is great. I'm really looking forward to LTG, which is good cause I definitly didn't last semester. At 8pm I'm gonna work out with Kelly. Its been cool working out with her and getting to know her outside of a fencing context. Cause right after that I have fencing. Well, Tara is telling me its time to go. So much for getting homework done before the insanity began...
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