Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

yea, so redfern did give me meds and drew blood. I'm get the results back this week. Either a thyroid problem or a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm just glad that there is a biological reason that can be fixed. Home was good. Mom was so excited to be around friends and that I came. I also got to see one of the girls I worked with from the summer. Breakfast with mom and dad and ran back to clemson to catch the soccer game. Good match! Sorta, good because we beat the number 2 team, not so good because most of our team got yellow carded. Oh well. Jimmy and Hamsho were at the game! Sooo weird. I didn't recognize Hamsho at first, definitely not someone I expected to see ever again, but it was cool to see them. Soccer didn't work out but we went shopping in Anderson. Got a hippie shirt :-P shhh don't tell. Concert was great. I like his music a lot and I got to hang out with Natalie a bit, not to mention my roommate makes amazing cheese cake. Trip to Greenville...a second trip to Greenville....I felt stupid for leaving my purse, but it wasn't that bad. I enjoyed getting to talk and hang out longer. Soo glad we won the soccer game, barely. I think i will eventually break down and get a Boondock Saints poster...

So its been a good weekend. It was really good to relax, do no homework, and especially get to spend some time hanging out which probably won't happen again for a couple of weeks. Made things a lot easier and was a lot of fun. It was good to be reminded how well we get along.

Oh! I forgot!! church dinner and cleaning! I got to teach freshman how to mop. I was a bit surprised they had never done it before, than I remembered that there are a lot swiffer mops now a days and stuff, so traditional mopping is almost absolete.

My flight is booked...scary...

School doesn't feel overwhelming...which is becoming a problem. I'm very unmotivated. Going to class and doing work...yea...extremely hard to make myself do. I'd much rather just spend time with people and hang out with my roommates or whatever. At least fall break is this weekend, hopefully I'll regain some motivation then. Can you believe the semester is already almost over? crazy! I'm already having to start to think about where I'll live this summer or next year and jobs for the summer. Too soon, feels too soon.

Ugh! So frustrating! The nurse I work with at the Wednesday clinic asked me how I've bene doing and I mentioned the panic attacks. She thinks I have a chemical imbalance cause there is nothing in my life that is really that stressful. I mean, classes aren't that hard or that many hours, study abroad stuff isn't terrible, nothing should be stressing me out. And its not always big things that cause it. Its dumb things like deciding where to eat lunch. I hate it. So she made me call redfern and make an appointment. She said they can give me medicine that will help stabilize the chemical imbalance. I hope they do have something, because in the mean time I might mess up all my friendships by being spastic and emotional.

Which leads in to the next thing. I wonder if it would have bothered me so much if I wasn't so emotionally already and already having these issues. Probably wouldn't have. So I should have just kept my mouth shut. I really hope he ignores the conversation and goes on as normal and doesn't let it bother him. It was really for my own sanity that I needed to hear he still wanted to stick with the plan and was just friends. But is that my own sanity due to this dumb imbalance? I felt like such a controlling bitch. I don't mean to be and don't want to be. I think it'll be so much easier now after talking to him to let go and not have any of it bother me. Because none of it should bother me. Its all normal stuff, I'm just being psycho. Whatever.

Running this morning was great. I really want to get up and do that more often. The getting out of bed part was hard, but as long as I have someone I'm suppose to meet to hold me to it, I'm good.

Sooo thankful for skipping my 8am. But the study abroad meetings lasted 2 hours and now I have to go deliver more paper work before going to work. Oh well. It looks like I'll have a $1000 scholarship which should help some. I'm also applying for another which would be amazing if I got. Things are finally starting to come together for that.

Fall break. Was hoping to do stuff with people but they all have plans, except for Amy Brunson, so I'll probably hang out with her for the break. It kinda stung a bit that not a single friend asked me to do anything for break. Oh well. Maybe I'll get some shadowing hours in and papers written. If Sarah's not busy I'll go visit her or something. It'll be good no matter what cause breaks are a great time to just let go of all the craziness and do something fun.

I debated deleting that last post. Definitely overly dramatic from the lack of sleep. Yesterday wasn't really all that bad. Movie night was fun: jared, matt, amanda and I talking in different languages, cooking, the movie was great, the people were fun. Hanging out at the Java and going to the movie store was good too. It was just the rest of the day which was rough. so yea...off to meet amy for breakfast.

Its been a rough day. Alot of unexpected stuff just kept going wrong. At first the stress just made me kinda wired, but then I had two anxiety attacks today; thought those were a thing of the past. Its been about a week since my last one. For a couple of days they were a daily occurance. If you've never had one, they suck. I hope I didn't bother people at the movie thing being in such a funk... I guess I hoped it'd help to get out an be with people. In some ways it did and in some ways it was didn't. I hate it. I feel like I'm dealing with everything fine, then my body has to go and tell me that its not even if I think I am. It doesn't feel like things are that bad or that stressful right now, I don't understand. Just pray for me if you think of it.

SOOO wired on sugar. Bunches of cookies, icecream, cupcake...yea, not good. I really do need to start eating healthy. I'm going to make a list of rules or something and stick to it. But for now, I'm hyper.

The weekend was great! Football, soccer, football, rugby, a concert thrown in there...good times. It was fun hanging out with English and Mark again. She is great to hang out with. Yea, repetitive but in my nonsensical state I could not think of a better way to put it. Omlets for breakfast and see floats, back in time to see some games on TV and get chased with a febreeze bottle...good times. Off to downtown. Knots in my back from the night before. Tailgates with good food and fun people tossing a football, a sort time to talk to a friend I don't get to see much and off to the game. What a game! Crazy, exciting, jumping til my calves hurt and screaming til my voice had run away; storming the field..sorta...back to a tail gate for more hang out time. Still full of energy from all that happened....so back to watch poker until the rain fell. Church, soup with friends, homework most of the afternoon, random phone calls from kids singing christmas carol and talking about life, Daddy called! soccer, I scored, fluke goal again, one day I'll get a real one, back for more homework. Monday monday, got to sleep in late, go to class, return only to do homework most of the day, cookie baking fun, lab, more studying, laughter, good times.

I was alittle sad that I didn't have lunch with my roommates, but I can understand why. They've known eachother longer and her parents know her. They also have lunch just the two of them Mondays and Wednesday. Guess I'll find a time which fits in their schedules that I can hang out with them as well. Well, Kalin mostly. I have Brittany and/or Gina time most mornings. They are really fun girls to live with.

Midnight, still wired. Ok, no sweets after 6pm. or something. I dunno. I really need sleep though. I have a spanish test tomorrow. Its going to be a bear. Foreign movie night tomorrow night, yay!! Coffee with amanda, breakfast with amy wednesday, clinic on wednesday. Oh, I missed a really important meeting today :-( Yea, I can be such a ditzy idiot sometimes. Oh well, c'est la vie. No french! Must start thinking in spansh!

Ay de mi! Voy a morir!

Man, I had a whole lot to post on earlier, now I can't remember anything! Today has been mostly studying all day with a bit of watching Champions League and finally doing laundry. I did get to talk to Amy Bickett though! It was wonderful; I miss her.

I love the feeling of running, pounding away at what's on your mind, feeling the breeze, the heaviness in your chest, your muscles working...

I'm glad we don't stay in a large group for house church very often any more. I get a lot more out of the smaller groups. I was enjoying listening so much that I nearly didn't say what was on my mind. I was still trying to process my own thoughts too anyway. So many instances came to mind when they mentioned injustice. In the end I read the last couple of verses in Psalm 89. It just seemed to stick out to me. In all the psalms except one, David ends praising God (Psalm 88 he doesn't). But in 89, he is talking about troubles, taunting, and suddenly ends saying Praise be to God forever Amen and Amen. It seems to stick out so badly and not fit with the rest. You're speaking of injustice then suddenly praise the one who has the power to change things? It doesn't seem right. Flashback to almost two years ago, hearing Dad cry over the phone talking about Sarah and her heart problems. Admist the crying, I felt at peace. Somehow I knew God was in control and he had a plan bigger than what I thought should happen. He not only had a plan for what he was doing and my life and what he'd use me for, but for her as well. It felt almost selfish to demand something different. I'm not saying that is the case for all injustices, almost all we need to stand up for what is right and work to help the people, but at the same time we need to trust that God is still wise and in control, He knows what He's doing. Hard stuff. I'm really looking forward to working with the Red Cross next semester. That's probably what I'm looking forward to the most, so much that I almost wish I could go sooner...almost. I don't know what I want to do there yet! So many choices: work with people who have AIDS/HIV, help women and prostitutes, help children, help people who have been through trauma and catastrophes... I'm going to be praying about it until I need to decide that God will lead me to the place where He wants me to be and will use me. I'm excited! It reminds me of Honduras, of working with the kids in Asheville, of working in Mississipi and in New Orleans. I love it. It makes me almost stop pursueing physical therapy and just join the peace corps or red cross. But God can use me in physical therapy too. It was wonderful talking to a woman last week about her journey from being abused as a child to becoming a jehova's witness to now being new age. Journey through 6 marriages. She seemed glad to have someone to talk to who would listen. There is so much time during a physical therapy session to just listen and talk, so many opportunities there! And the job is flexible enough that I could still do short term mission trips or doctors without borders (medical missions). I dunno what I'll end up doing, but seems like a good option at least.

It was also wonderful getting to house church late. Walking into the dulcet voices praising God in an almost acapela manner (since the guitar was so quiet). Later, sitting in the walkway, listening, I could focus better there somehow. It was just peaceful.

God, make me more like you; grow me into who you want me to be. I love you and sense your love that is not because of who I am but because of who you are. Help me to love others, help me to see those in need around me and pursue them.

I met a girl tonight at house church who is a spanish major and whose older brother is my sister's age and bipolar as well. We're planning on meeting for coffee. Interesting what connects people.

Peace to you.

Lo siento que no estaba mi mismo recientemente. He teniendo un tiempo dificil recientemente y siento uno poco insegura. Hay problemas de la pasada y del hoy. Ha se mejorado lentamente, pero optimistamente aclarará prontomente y sera como mi mismo.

I've been swamped with work this week. Two tests and a couple of projects. Yet another project is about to begin next week. I do have a chance to exempt my physics and econ exams which would be amazing, I just need to work hard for the last couple of tests.

I am enjoying the cold weather believe it or not. It feels great for a change. I guess I just really am ready for each season as it come so I tend to enjoy it. Because I like hot weather at times, I'm just ready for the cold.

Foreign film and food night was fun too. I can't quite figure out what it is that I like so much about foreign films...but I do. The food part is great cause it gives a change in what I normally eat and so far its been good food.

I found some more of my old poetry and writings the other day. Its always interesting to read because they mark certain points in my life. I tend to only write when I'm very emotional (whether joyful, depressed, angry, whatever).

So yea...my life right now is basically a lot of school work and hanging out with friends in the time between. I don't think I need to study as much as I am, but I can't not do it or else I stress. Stupid catch 22. Its still nice to have my girl time in the morning for an hour and a half before class most days and other random times. They're great girls.

Sorry for acting like such a bitch tonight, tired and a bad day took its toll I guess. I have an econ midterm tomorrow...welll today now. I definitely haven't put the effort into it I should have but I really don't care.

Llore.

We made crepes tonight and watched Amalie. I forgot how much I liked that movie. It was fun to have people over. Its been awhile since I'd seen Ziska.

I have the best roommate ever.