Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

Ever feel that there was something that you hoped existed, came to believe it didn't exist then found that it did? And when you finally found that it did, instead of being happy that it existed, you're saddened and pained because it feels like something that you'll never have. Before you never cared because you didn't think it existed, but now you know it exists and you feel the loss. Ah, such is life.

I think I'm going to try to get off caffine for awhile (yes, that means coffee too). I feel really sick, dizzy and shakey and my pulse shoots up whenever I drink coffee lately. Not a good feeling. So I'm going to go off it and see if that helps. I am going to miss coffee!!

I hate computers.

Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding,
I don't want to be left alone, not when I'm right next to you
What are you thinking, so misleading
Is it not for me to know, I think it's just hard for you to show

chapters turning,
i don't understand the lies,
thoughts are kept inside your complex mind,
i try to hold the mistakes,
lifes ending, falling away

Chorus

where are you now?
where are ur feelings
not down in me,
where are u now?
what are u feeling.....

I thought it would be nice to lie down and close my eyes
It never occurred to me that I am already asleep

Don't be alone
Don't be alone
Don't be alone
Don't be alone

Chorus

where are you now?
what are you feeling?
hey, where are you now?
what are you feeling......
Enigma by Trapt

I went online to look up lyrics and the band name Trapt popped into my mind because of recent events. I never realized how good most of their lyrics were, so applicable to life.

It was soooo good to be home. Wow, I missed all the youth group people so much. I mean, ACA people are fun and all but it's nice to get back to less shallow relationships (because I don't know the ACA people near as well as people outside of ACA). But going through the pictures of the trip was fun and brought back many memories. It was a good trip. Arlington was definetly my favorite place of all, but Mount Vernon was nice too. Although I liked the look of the National Cathedral, I was so sad to see that on the stained glass windows were things like Darth Vader and the first landing on the moon. The way the woman described how the pictures were chosed for some of the windows was so humanistic: the chose to paint man's achievements in many of them. But hearing the choir, our choir, sing in the catacombs was wonderful. Guess what else? There were black squirrels!! They were so cool. I was sad we couldn't go in the bell tower. Well, enough Washington talk.

Why are you doing this?
Were you trying to trap me?
Trying to save yourself?
Were you scared?
Why are you doing this?

Don't try to understand that, I didn't write it for you anyway. I'm confused. Okay, not confused, but...

The weather is sooo awesome!! I'm lovin' it!

Boy, people really stare at people on crutches. I went to Wal-Mart today, and everyone I passed stared at me like I was some weird site or with looks of pity. Random people would walk up and be like, "aww, I'm sorry dear." It's annoying, but interesting. I like watching people. I got a cup of nasty McDonalds coffee and just sat and watched. Very interesting.

I got all the scholarships I needed for Clemson!!! But I have no clue what college I'm going to go to though.

Back from Washington, praise God!!! That was the bus trip from hell home, well except for Paul and Will getting stuck in the same seat on the bus, that was pretty dang funny. We had some good times. "No biting in the dark!" "If you dont' stop I'll....barf in your shoes!" "Who disturbs me slumber?" Not to mention the evil maid who hated us. I enjoyed my room mates.

It is so good to be home.

Sitting in the bus today I listened to the flood of conversations surrounding me catching snippets of one or another.

"Its starting to rain."
"I want to go home and sleep tonight"
"That's why..."
"Oh that's dark..."
"..Fix that..."
"What?"
"...do..."
"You can't tell..."
"It's cute."
"...Cold..."
"All you've done..."
"Lee! Lee!"
"...a few minuets..."
"...doesn't end..."
"...grow to love..."
"...You want me to...."
"...like a rat..."
"...Makes sense..."
"...miserable..."

*murmur*
*Rumble*
*Roar*
~Silence~
*guitar*
*whisper*
*Murmer*
*Rumble *
*Roar*
*Silence*
*guitar*
*word*
*guitar*
*murmer*

Sunset in my review mirror
A window in the dark
Joy past, dreams gone
Now fading in night
Bright days drowing in black
Sweet memories suffocated in bitterness
Happiness raped, Hope shot
And carefree days hung
On the tree of reality
Sunset in my review mirror
A promise of dawn
Breathe of life, glimmer of hope.

Ever feel lonely in crowd?
Ever look forward to bed so you can muffle your tears with a pillow?
Ever want so bad to seek help and yet be unable to gather the strength to ask?
Ever feel like your watching yourself do something and want to stop yourself from speaking yet somehow can't?
Ever get sick of who you are?
Ever get sick of who you wish you were?

To sit, to watch and accept your position.

Ouch. Sucky.

Washington is alright. I'm enjoying parts of it. Being with the class, goofing off, seeing really cool stuff. I hate parts of it: limping around, not being able to catch up to people so spending alot of time alone, pain, broken friendships (yea, ACA people are like living in a soap opera, my goodness, it's aweful!! I love them, but I can't wait to get back to the non-ACA people), boredom of some of the tours, exhaustion. You know what else sucks? The only time people talk to me is to give me a look of pity (which really isn't talking) or to ask if I'm okay or if I need help. There is more to me than an injury people!!!! (sorry, can ya tell the frustration is getting the best of me right now? Meri, Mandy and I had a great yell in the hotel parking lot - very stress relieving.
I don't know why I'm so scared of being hurt or rejected by people. I don't know why I'm terrified of letting them help me. I don't know why I hate feeling like I'm a burden. Oh...Wait...I remember.

Okay, I'm done ranting. =-) I'm going to go help Brittney break back into OUR room that we have yet again been kicked out of. By the way, Washington is such a clean city, and beautiful at sun set. I love the trees here. We need some like these at home. Ah, Bekah needs the computer. Adios.

I'm posting twice today, strange. *shrugs*

Why do people always try to fit everything into a box? The see something and try to put it in a formula and what doesn't fit, or what they cannot somehow make fit, they throw away. That's one thing I hae about posting on a blog. You're going to take whatever I write, see it through the filter of your preconcieved ideas and try to shove it into the box of who you think I am. Whether people realize it ot not, when they meet people they immediately begin to build a box for them. Neat, packaged, that's what humans like. Mystery but with some predictibuluty. There are laws to the world: mathmatical, scientic, lingual, and we try to put those rules on people too...on God.

Why do we always blame our pasts for our mistakes. When we look at our faults our first instinct is to look back and see what "made us" this way. We love to look back, point to an event and exclaim "that is why I do this," or that is why I act like this". Yes, event throughout our life shape who we are, but after we recognize a life shaping event we have the opportunity to not let it control who we are or who we will become. Why are we so reluctant to let the past go? Why do we cling to it? What don't we see what we've become and deal with it (either by asking God to help us or accepting who we are - which basically must go hand in hand)? We read "So we beat on, boats against the current, ceaselessly borne back into the past" and we resinate with it without recognizing there is a problem there. Or we recognize the problem with the statement and do not recognize the correlation to our own life. God did not make us to be retrospective creatures. It's not that 'we are' but that 'we are becoming.' Life is a process. Yes, those things in the past have affected us, and some of those things may leave scars, but we are not finished becoming. We need to let go of the past! THere will be more pasts to look back on soon enough. The past, the scars, can't be changed. Like it or not they are there and the affects are present and must be dealt with. I'm going to shut up now, I'm ranting. Well...one more thing. Never mind. I'm not sure if I'm going to post this. Oh well, no sense deleting it now that it's written.

Will you stop pretending that you know me! I'm sick of this game.
No...dont' say that. That's not true.

"Won't someone tell me what is happening to me? Why am I so misunderstood?" (Play)

Yes, I want to be real. I want to be accountable to someone.

Dont' touch me, you might hurt me.

I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't mean to push you away.

Please don't give up on me just yet.

Wow.....Bill and Britt were seriously on a pun kick tonight, it was insane! I never thought any two people could make as many consecutive puns as that.

I think God is trying to tell me something (no, I'm not still talking about the puns). I am stubborn and proud. I mean, this semester God has brought into my life guys who like to help girls out, whether its loaning money, opening doors, or whatever. Yes, it's sweet, but I'm really not use to that. The door thing I've gotten use to, but it's still hard for me to accept help from guys who are just friends without feeling like I'm mooching or being a needy, whiny little girl. But God started to show me that I'm acting the same way with Him as with these guys. "Thank you very much for saving me, but now I can take care of myself." I recognized what He was trying to teach me, but didn't really want to change and when I was suddenly struck with the desire to change it was ith the attitude of "Okay, I'm gonna go out and change myself." So, life went on, until He knocked me over, literally. If a simple life example won't change you, let's try something else. But even hobbling along I was determined to do it myself. Thank you Bill for being so patient with me. Sure enough, the sermon the next morning was about not being able to save ourselves. So was part of youth leadership too, actually. It hit me when Colin used the image of Jesus carrying the sheep. The sheep wasn't doing anything, all the sheep could do was rest in the shepards embrace. I struggle so much to try to make it easier on whoever is helping me (or saving me), but instead, I realize, I only make it harder. Pray for me, if you think of it, that this incident won't stay just as head knowledge, but instead lead to a real heart change. Only God can break through this insanely think wall of pride I have built, and I lack a desire to let him tear it down (even as I hobble along). My dad, who didn't know I was injured at all until after the sermon, laughed his head off when he found out is was fractured (after I had told him that it was perfectly fine and just alittle bruised as I limped from his office) and wished that he had known before the sermon so he could have used it as an illustration. Talk about what a pride wounder that would have been. Well, I'm babbling, I must get sleep.

"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I can't believe you guys beheaded the duck!!! You evil, evil boys!!

Hmm....Jalapenos are good in a sandwich but I'm not so big on them plain.

I will never again trust anything Bill or Rachel says on IM. =-Þ

I'm in such a good mood, it has been a great day. I did nothing other than calculus all day at school and I got to read Catch 22. That is a great book!!! Is T.S. Elliot a new password? Ask headquaters!

I have such a bad case of senioritis. I just don't care anymore at school. It's aweful, but nice. No stress.

At the moment I do not feel like posting anything else. Maybe I'll post again in a little bit, and maybe I won't. =-)

Jump, dive, grab
I miss... again...
Seeking, chasing, grasping
I have it not
I wonder why I even try
To chase the wind
Running circles never ceasing
For what is never to be seen
Invisible query ever calling
Gasping, collapsing,
All strength drained
Determination never waned
One last try
Feeble clutched fist
Do I dare to look inside?
Ever teasing, never ceasing
The breeze moves on
Replaced with a hush
Another day, maybe, I'll try again
Maybe than, than...
No, why oh why
Am I bound to the impossible
Doomed to chase the uncatchable
Maybe someday, someday
I'll be able to simply dance
Spin in the breeze
Join with the leaves
in their mad rotations
the branches lifted glad exaltations
Wait, I feel it returning
I must go
Jump, dive, grab,
I miss...again...

Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep, it's my lullaby

I love driving at night! Well...unless the driving includes a very dark, very narrow, and very winding mountain road while I am driving the BEAST whose check engine light on the whole way. Than it's fun (especially with the two very awesome people in the truck with me) but also scary. I dunno, I have a thing with not liking dark, narrow, roads.

LOTR is such a good series, no matter how many times you see it or how long you spend watching it in one day. Aragorn is such a good character. He is so noble, and well, so many good attributes it hard to put into words (I've never been good with words, bah on AP English). All the other characters, despite some of their flaws are still so respectable too and noble. It seems like most people today have lost all those attributes. But than again, there are others I know in whom I see those attributes and I hold them in the highest respect (even though they do not realize it).

Wow it's been a long time since I have blogged. It's weird 'cause I'd think of things to blog, but never get around to posting them, and now that I finally have a small window of opportunity my thoughts have run dry. Or maybe there are just too many things to write about and choosing just one would be too hard and choosing all would not do justice to any.

I found an interesting Poe quote the other day in my ever boring Spanish class. Reading Poe is more interesting?
Yes, and to any who believe otherwise I will reluctantly lend my book to prove them wrong.
Now anyways, back to the quote:

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence: whether much that is glorious, whether all that is profound, does not spring from disease of thought...
They who fream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who deam only by night. In their grey visions theyobtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in awaking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret. In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom whihc is of good, and more of the mere knowledge which is of evil."

Last night at Applebees Kelsey and some of the others were talking about philosophers and existentialism (pardon me if I totally mess up the conversation but I was quite sick and only able to catch snatches of it). Philosophers take build their next philosophy by trying to build off and rectify the illogical fallicies in the former philosophy. It's madness, yet considered genious.

Oh, I hate when my train of though is de-railed by the strict command to do chores now. *sigh*