Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

Me duele la cabeza. Voy a escribir este en espanol por que no quiero molestarse. Mi hermana no esta bien. Mi madre esta llorando para ella y...no voy a hablar de este mas. Es tan dificil para mi ahora. No comi almuerzo hoy porque fue enferma pensando en ella. Solamente comi cena porque un amigo offerzco a cocinar para mi. No voy a hablar de este mas...

I actually went to breakfast today because a friend was up early. I was so glad for that, although I probably wasn't the best company today under the circumstances. The day was normal. Basically a friend talking to me got me through it. I don't know what I woulda done without him. Coffee with Amy was good too.

Fencing...yea...this tournament will be bad if I keep fencing like this. Soccer was fun though, even though our game was canceled on a day wiht beautiful weather so we resorted to indoor.

I'm soo happy for you that you've come to know this joy!!!! I'm blessed every time we speak in seeing how you have changed.

Ugh, I don't want to think. I don't like silence. Its in the silence that thoughts invade and it hurts. Tengo miedo y me duele la corazon mucho.

En visiones de la noche oscuro, soñé de la alegría partida
pero un sueño que despierta de la vida y la luz
me ha dejado roto de corazón
-Poe

ore para nosotros.

It was a good weekend. Turned out the way I the way I expected it to, but that's okay at least we know now. Saw I Heart Huckabees Friday. Good movie, made me think. I want to see it again. I like to see movies that make me think twice cause I usually get more the second time around. His house was like he described it, i saw the two stumps they used as a goal, all the soccer balls, the tire swing, the boys rooms upstairs... I like his house. It feels homey, and he has a nice family. Amy and I had fun watching them all interact. There is something neat about watching a faimly together. They seem close. It got Amy and I talking about our own families for awhile. Amy's become one of my close friends, my other as we say.

Taking down trees was fun, but I felt so useless. Had there not been so many guys, I would have liked to pick up an axe and at least try to use it. It reminded me of Emilia and I at Saluda fest and at Luke's. Good times. Do you still see faces? I hope you are well.

I tried. I really did. It made me want to give up and stop trying, but I know that is the selfish thing to do. I don't quite understand, but I'm trying, really I am.

We went downtown Saturday night. Marble slab, wandering. Beautiful park!!!!!! Talking, driving. I love just driving around at night with friends. Friends where its comfortable enough to just be silent at times and not be awkward. Pumba, Timon and Simba discussing life and the stars. The tree huggers tearing down trees. You're in my prayers.

Its not your fault. Stop feeling like it is. I know, I know, you don't believe me and wont' listen. You won't believe me that we still had fun either. Please smile.

Church was different from what I'm use to, but it was good and I liked it. I went to a Baptist church in Irmo, South Carolina. It would have been interesting you see your reactions had you been there.

There is so much on my mind, but so much to be done.

So gentle, kind, patient and caring we remarked. One day. Someday. I'm now beginning to see....

Ugh, somedays I forget that there are some foods I can't eat. Today has been amazing though!!!!!!! I woke up easily, ran to Java for breakfast and studying, met some people I knew, classes were great. We played scrabble in Spanish. Psychology was fascinating. The weather is awesome. I got to hang out with Meagan. Its one of those days exude this wonderful feeling. I sang on the way back from lunch. Well, not outloud, but in my head:

Life's a dance you learn as you go
sometimes you lead sometimes you follow
Doesn't really matter what you don't know
Life's a dance, you learn as you go.

Now I'm listening to Something Corporate and just being content. Matt, James, and David just left. We were all goofing off and watching online cartoons.

Last night was great. Worked out with Cynthia. Yea...definitly overdid it on the abdomen stuff. But it was fun to hang out. Punch bug! Running was wonderful too. I love running outside but I never do it by myself. I'm soo out of shape. I love having someone to run with and talk to. The water was awesome. The concert rocked beyond all else!!! I went liking the band, but now I really like them! (Jump Little Children). It was so fun going up and hanging out with all them. Teasing Roy about country, watching chealsea and amy and mary dance, pictures, Matt and Roy stuck surrounded by girls... The band was great and funny. Waffle house. I miss late nights there. Sitting and talking. Seeing them asleep on the back seat.

At the concert I enjoyed watching people. Seeing the girls singing and dancing. Amanda watching it more quietly than suddenly getting excited and whispering to Roy. Matt listening, enjoying it quietly, smiling with his eyes (or so it seemed). Roy listening quietly, now and than grinning and saying something to Amanda that would make her suddenly come to life.

I lost my purse last night. I couldn't believe I couldn't find it. I had to borrow money. It wouldn't been half so bad if I borrowed it from someone I know, but I felt really bad borrowing from Amanda cause I don't know her that well.

I can't get over how much he reminds me of you. It's scary, but awesome at the same time.

I love you people. I really do. I don't tell you that much do I? I'm sorry for not saying it more. I wish I could let each of you know how much I appreciate you, those who I've known for years and those I've known for months.

This is going to be a long post cause I wrote this next thing during English. I didn't want the people around me to read it or the professor when she walked by, so its in Spanish. Those of you who don't speak spanish, smile and read someone else's blog.

Algunos días siento como no puedo escapar el pasado. Es como mi sombra que camina conmigo todo el tiempo. A veces puedo verla bien y a veces no puedo verla. A veces está delante de mi, y hace mi camino oscuro con las memorías de días pasados (los buenos y los malos). Un día, traté de correr lejos de esta sombra. Pero en todos partes corrí, me siguió. Finalmente, me caí en la tierra y lloré: "por qué no puedo escaparse? Váyase! Tengo demasiados problemas en aquel momento sin los del pasado, sin deseas por otros tiempos que no puedan occurir otra vez." Mi sombra se sentó al lado de mi y me puso su braso alredador de mi, y dijo nada. En este momento, comprendí.

********************************
Ugh, I don't think this is a good idea. I think its a mistake. There's no changing it now. Pray for me please. This could be bad and I'm scared.

Try. Fail. Try. Succeed. Ignore. Fail.
Attempt to stand. Fall.
Push against a hurricane.
Scream above the thunder.
Outrun a train.
Attempt to stand. Fall.
I know, you have a reason. But I hate dependence. Havn't we gone over this before? I hate not being able to do something. Not being able to help them or myself. I feel powerless. You say you have a reason. You say You are the strength.

My knee gave out again today.

I'm confused. So confused. I kinda wanted to just walk in silence, but soon realized that my companion would have none of that so gave up. I returned hoping for silence, but my room was full. I woke up looking for silence, but yet again there was none. Silence feels ellusive, but I know its not. If I wanted to, I could walk somewhere and find a quiet spot but I don't. Maybe I'm afraid of what thoughts will cross my mind, or what I'll learn about myself. Hmm...Maybe tomorrow I'll go somewhere quiet before class starts, early in the morning. Maybe...

I have something on my mind that I really want to put here, but it must wait. I promised a friend I'd go to Fike with her. Have a lovely day.

I was good this morning. I woke up, got ready for class early, and went to the Java or coffee and a bagel. But what happens? My professor shows up unprepared and lets us out of class half an hour early. True, its a good thing, but I wish I had waited for breakfast til this break instead of getting up early. Oh well.

You know what is weird? I have a friend who talks about ideas usually around the same time Britt writes about it on his blog. But I know they don't know eachother. Kinda strange, but interesting.

Dreams. Yea, that's what we were talking about. Dreams. But sleeping dreams and waking dreams are two different entities entirely. You and I shared a waking dream, but it seems like life gets in the way of those no? Look back on your dreams, how many came true? Its surprising to see some that I never would have though to come true, but have. Others life has changed. No, I can't really picture myself being a CIA agent anymore, but I still want to learn many languages and retire in Europe with a used bookstore and a garden or something in some small town. Have you changed as well? Its been awhile since we last spoke about dreams. I think Britt's right about not sharing dreams with people. I would venture to say that it takes a strong friendship to be able to share dreams. Its easy to share the simple stuff, the stuff that's so far off it doesn't seem to be possible or matter (like retiring in Europe), but what about my dreams for the immediate future? ACK!! I'm late for class!!!

Wow, crazy weather. It was 70 or 80 degrees today and sunny. I sat in the ampitheatre (which i sjust learned is wireless!!!!) and did some homework. Molly joined me near the end. It was warm, beautiful and peaceful. Unlike this morning. Getting a bit of a reality check with my classes but not bad. You know the one really good part about Tuesdays? Getting to see two of my friends between too very boring and non-enjoyable classes. That just makes my day. Not to mention I was actually ontime for biology this morning. I went to the logia, got some coffee and a muffin for breakfast, ran into Courtney and Meagan on my way to class. So it was a great morning if the classes are ignored.

Sabres had electric today, but it was a short day cause we did some workouts. So I only got to bout twice, but that's okay. Working out with Kelly was fun and relaxing afterwards.
Joel comes up and gives me a hug from behind. "I love you Ashley." "That's sweet Joel." "No, its not really. I'm just perverted." I do believe Michael and Joel have taken upon themselves to make fun of me as often as possible.

Ever wish there were somethings you could unhear? I think it was Rachel awhile back who said something about being innocent but no longer naive. I have a feeling that it will be true for all of us by the end of the year.

Well, I was an idiot and forgot my laundry in the washer again. How many times does that make it this semester? Three you say. yea.... *sigh*

I know, I know, I havn't posted anything beyond the surfacey stuff. I'm happy, but tired so it may seem as though I'm not and I may be quieter than usual, but I'm doing really well. Spiritually, God has a strong hold on my heart, but I have not been spending as much time with Him as I like. But I going to try to change that. Yea, somethings have been on my mind, but I'm too tired to post them at the moment. Buenos noches.

Pardon me for posting twice so close together. But this is what life is about: cooking dinner in the study room with a friend, and now there are four other people in my dorm room sipping chai lattes and listening to jared sing, play the harmonica and guitar and getting some homework done. People helping eachother when anyone needs something, now and then discussing the philosophy Amy is studying. Joking with James about Asheville. Now Amy and Jared sing a duet. Michael laughs over his book. Its peaceful and wonderful all at the same time. It is moments like this that make life wonderful.

Wow, Friday seems long ago now. Playing soccer, the flat tire, the stopping every fifteen minutes for bathroom breaks, the radios, the boberry biscuits... I was disappointed that Bean Streets wasn't having live music but it was still fun. Chilling, talking, randomness. Good times. The bridge was nice, but I felt bad about driving around so long without going to the mansion. Oh well. I enjoyed driving on the dark backroads. Good to hear your voice again even if you do have a Colorado accent. Wal-mart closed??? How did I miss that! I love that used book store. I know, I should have planned ahead, then we might have actually found something a bit more interested to do. But it was still really fun. Good in a random way. Goofing off and just being together. Saw Jeff, missed Kevin.

Saturday was great. Everyone slowly waking up (some with a bit of help...), relaxing and thinking about all the days possiblities. We went to Fun Depot. I had never been there. Laser Tag (Roy being a sniper, me shooting my own teammate a few times, Amy sneaking up on me, Matt being tailed by a little kid), go karts (I almost caught up to Amy!), putt putt (water, clubs, and camaras = crazy and fun). I saw Mandie!!! It was great to see her again!! Alittle odd. Everytime I saw someone I knew, I didn't want to get talking to them too much cause I know how awkward it is to stand in a place that's new to you and the person who knows where you are is busy talking old times with someone you don't know. Barley's brought back a lot of memories and some good food. Home again for more food, movie, and out again to see Squat. It was a good concert and the Grey Eagle was awesome. I never knew that place existed. Jump Little Children is suppose to be there Thursday. I'm gonna try to get some people to drive up to see them. Awesome talking to you girl, miss you soo much! Bit dizy. Cookies...?

So weird to be back at Grace again. Elena...havn't heard that in a long time. I felt caught between two worlds but loved it at the same time. Not just being there, but having them there. I think the Texans won catch phrase *sigh* I finally got to Wal-mart. Definitly needed that. Now homework that I forgot about last week and havn't had time this weekend. Ugh. Buenos noches.

What you said hurt. You didn't have to be that harsh, especially not with others listening. Especially when it was not true. I don't know what's worse, you saying it, it being a lie, and being too hurt and afraid to correct you. Then you talk to me as if you never said that.

I am barely making it though the day. But I'll take each moment as it comes, like its new and this morning and afternoon is past, so each moment after this is a new day. This way it'll probably seem good. Ugh, I need sleep. I took a short nap, but didn't really sleep. I think I'll just get some coffee. Raspberry vanilla latte with skim milk please. Yea, sounds good to me.

I got what Rachel (no, not Hylton) would refer to as a kick in the butt tonight. I was confronted with how selfish I am, how fortunate I am, how small my problems are. Not to mention everytime I feel confident about my career decision, I wind up second guessing myself. Is it Your way of telling me I'm going the wrong way? Why does it have to be this confusing? There I go again. Self-absorption.

The tree was awesome, so was the conversation. I'm a tree hugger now, but not the type that you would normally think of. That needs to happen more often. Moments like that are what life is about.

I love my friends. Have I told you that? Its crazy. How can I love these people so much after so short a period of time? It feels like I've known them forever. Summer is gonna be rough. Its weird, because I still love all of you who are far away but the idea of being back together again for so long a time is a bit scary no? Maybe its just me. Ever ponder love? I had a friend that did, and that made me ponder it. I'm still pondering it. Its a hard concept, yet we seem to overuse it until its meaningless. No. I will not start getting on a thinking trail on love cause its too late at night for that and i actually need sleep.

Now, this is going to be see how well Ashley can read a poem in the dark and type that poem time.

Thought is deeper than all speech,
Feeling deeper than all thought;
Souls to souls can never teach
What unto themselves was taught

We are spirits clad in veils;
Man by man was never seen;
All our deep communing fails
To remove the shadowy screen.

Heart to heart was never known:
Mind with mind did never meet:
We are columns left alone
Of a temple once complete.

Like the stars that gem the sky,
Far apart though seeming near,
In our light we scattered lie;
All is thus but starlight here.

What is social company
But a babbling summer stream?
What our wise philosophy
But the glancing of a dream?

Only when the Sun of Love
Melts the scattered stars of thought,
Only when we live above
What the dim-eyed world hath taught.

Only when our souls are fed
By the Fount which gave them birth,
And by inspiration led
Which they never frew from earth.

We like parted drops of rain,
Swelling till they meet and run,
Shall be all absorbed again,
Melting, flowing into one.

~"Stanzas" by Christopher P. Cranch (1840)

This has been too good and too strange of a morning to not post. It was torment getting out of bed, but once up a friend stopped by to say hey and pick up his calculator he left in here last night. I also got to talk to another friend while getting ready. English was blah but survivable and let out early enough that I was able to go to Java to get a scone for breakfast (which I had neglected to eat)..yum. Spanish was awesome. Tara, Ryan and I were in a conversation group and the topic was... interesting =-) good times. Todd and I continued talking in spanish across campus to our next class. I love foriegn languages. Psychology was fascinating, but biology was better. We got to electricute ourselves. We sent electrical currents into our arm and leg muscles to first make them twitch, then sped up the stimulation until we sent the muscles into tetanus. So basically our muscles would start with a slow twitch and get faster and faster to the point where they were spazzing out until they sudden jerked out or went tight and curled up (tetanus). It was fun, but so weird feeling. We also tested our muscle fatigue of dominant versus nondominant hands. It was a really short lab. We got out in an hour. So Rachel and I went for our usually lunch at the wonderful noodle place, ran into Jacob and all three of us ate together. Afterwards, Rachel and I noticed the guy that normally works at the noodle shop working at the ice cream shop and went to say hey. He had been gone with his band playing in New Orleans. They completely wrecked a Meriot hotel when the hotel wouldn't sell them alcohol (they're in their thirties or forties). They threw the furniture out the window (eight story) and stapled tuna to the ceiling. Their agent paid 10,000 dollars to the hotel to keep them out of jail. He gave Rachel and I a valentine he was passing out to all the workers. Came back to the dorm and I'm now going to get ahead on work so I can take a trip with some friends this weekend. Actually, we're coming up to Asheville. Good time hopefully.

I wonder how far I can stretch before I tear. I feel like I'm close to finding out. What will happen if I'm torn? What is being torn like? What becomes of me after? Would I heal? I think I'm afraid to find out, but unable to stop allowing myself to be stretched.

Life is pain princess, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is selling something.
But life is also good, fun, insane. It seems to me that good and bad are all a matter of perspective. Life, most of the time in our daily lives, can seem bad or good often determined by a concious decision. Given, there are times when one extreme emotion overrides.

What is emotion anyway? We can control emotions. We can make ourselves feel a certain way. We can even change and controll our memories. If we can do this, are we contridicting who we really are? Are we replacing truth with lies? I guess to drift away from the memories, how do we know how we feel about something if we can choose how we feel about it?

The human mind is so complex. No wonder people go insane. Its so easy to create a false reality through false memories and chosen emotions and world perspective.

So what is real when it comes to emotions, or are they merely chemical responses to the environment? Are we creating reality or do we have a choice over our own reality?

I need sleep. I havn't slept in forever. Well, that's what it feels like. Good night all.

And I'm back from a long weekend in College Park, Maryland. I left with the fencing team at 12:30 (well, more like 1:30 after we made sure we had everything and everyone) and arrived there at midnight. I got there late, so Sammy and I ended up with a car with only the two of us. That was fun actually, got to know him better. But I was so tired from the week I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours. I felt really bad about that, cause he had no one to talk to when I fell asleep (or to take a driving shift). Saturday our guys rocked out and Clemson won the Men's fencing tournament by a long shot. Sunday, we girls placed third out of 10 teams. I fenced decently and placed third out of tenth in individuals (I got a trophy!), but my last DE was horrible!! My fencing really wasn't that great all day so I was surprised I did so well. All in all it was a fun trip (including being tormented by a few people *cough kelly josh michael Joel* and being "kicked off the team" multiple times for sassing back to Michael). The trip back was better. I was awake the whole time and Amy was with us (and she stayed awake for a good portion). So the three of us had fun and got back to Clemson at 4:30 in the morning (just enough time to sleep through my 9am and go to my 10). I love my 10am class. We just goofed off and sung love songs in spanish and heard people whine about what they're significant others didn't do for them and what they should have done. Psychology was interesting, so that was good too. Now I have a midterm tomorrow and a take home test to finish and a soccer game tonight. Can anyone say stressed? Yea.

Man, its crazy how we fencers pick up eachothers lingo and mannnerisms on these trips. (Yea, I know I should stop typing, but whatever). Talon's fist, dragons, losing in your soul, yea...definitly going to be an interesting few days attempting to not use them. Another problem is I tend to pick up the cursing really bad. After I'm with them for an extended period of time I have to focus on not using them. It's one thing if I'm really mad and that describes it or what not, but as adjective, filler words, descriptions, yea..not good. Alright, I seriously should get cracking on that work. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

I keep wanting to post but procrastinate for a later time when words come to me more easily. Well that later time never came and now I'm here, stuck with more thoughts and occurences then I care to discuss at the moment. The short version is:

Ash Wednesday was great. A lot of stuff hit me and it has given me a lot to ponder today. I had never done a service like that and what I had seen til now of services like that was hypocritical, so unreal. But this, this was real. I'm glad I walked home. Not only do I love walking at night and the sky was amazing, but I got to talk with Amy about the whole thing which meant a lot to me.

Today was good. People actually came and studied in my dorm this afternoon. A fun change cause usually I hang out everywhere else. Amy and I went and had coffee together at the Java and jsut talked about life, then we came back to the dorm and read together. The phone rang, and soon we were off to Chili's with Matt, Roy, and Ole. What a great change from the normal routine and Harcombe!! We tried to go to a poetry night at Daniel, but the guy playing the guitar there wasn't that great. So we left and went to the Switchfoot concert where we met up with Cynthia. Great concert!!! I made hot drinks for everyone back at the dorm and just talked and goofed off with them. But probably the one of the best parts was reading in different languages with Matt (he speaks Italian and French, reminds me of you language wise Rach, except you speak Spanish and not French, okay, so maybe not that similar).

I know, I havn't really shared my thoughts. I'm too tired and incoherent for that right now, except that I'm learning to sieze life more and more. Not take any moment for granted. God is also drawing me closer to him which is amazing and terrifying all at once.

I love you all and you're in my prayers. I miss those of you that are far away.

This day seems so long that I can barely remember what happened this morning. Classes seemed like they were all yesterday. It seems like this week has been weeks long already. Not in a bad way, just....I dunno.

Laughter is so wonderful. Laughing with Kelly as we make complete fools out of outselves fencing, goofing off with Cynthia and Suzanne making funny noises, tickling, and being jsut plain hyper goofy, coming up with random memorization techniques with Emily, it was a good afternoon.

I'm not ready for the tournament this weekend at all. I realized that when I went to get on guard in a parry five and cut into Kelly's parry who in turn dropped her sabre so she would get hit. But it will be fun to get to hang out with Kelly, Tracy, Emma and Mary all weekend (if their boyfriends don't hog all the time with them *cough* *wink*). OOH! I learned to flunge tonight. That was fun and funny. Even funnier for those watching (as exemplified through Michael who fell on the floor laughing at me after my third flunge attempt against Kelly. Okay so maybe I crossed over a little bit....

Everyone here is sick. I wish there was something I could do to help them feel better. But since I can't, I'm at least making tea runs all around the dorm building (which is wonderful, but would be better if they didn't feel so bad).

Have I mentioned I love hearing people read outloud? AP English class use to be so wonderful, sitting with a cup of tea listening to Paul, Britt, Tim, and Meri read aloud (cause they usually read the most). Tonight, listenign to him read, it brought back memories from AP and from fifth grade listening to The Cay. That's one of my favorite fifth grade memories. She was wonderful to listen to, the way she read.

I got a package today. My mommy and daddy sent it to me for valentines day. It made me so happy. Then they called right as I was opening it. It was fun to talk to them and hear how they're doing.

I'm sorry for neglecting you. I really am going to try to talk to more of you this semester, call you guys. I think about you all and pray about you all, but its so weird to call. I guess I feel like I have to have a reason for calling or something to say even though I know its better and more wonderful to call without one.

I have a test tomorrow worth 25% of my grade. Its my first in the class, so I'm pretty nervous.

Today has been going well. I have ten minutes to chill before meeting Emily to study, and its unlikely that I'll do anything else in this time so may as well blog. Today has been good so far, despite the slow wake up night time cold medicine gives. Poor Cynthia. I was stressed over thinking I had an English essay due in a couple of hours that I didn't know I had and wouldn't have the time to do on top of not taking allergy medicine. So I don't think I was as fun to sit next to today. But thankfully, I learned that I was being an idiot and read my syllabus wrong. Yea..I can a dumb blonde somedays. Its a good thing I can laugh at myself.

I wore orange socks with coffee cups on them this morning. I was trying to make myself a cup of tea before class, but ran out of time so I wore the socks instead. They made me smile and make everyone else roll their eyes at my weirdness, but that's okay.

I love my class change between stats and english. First, stats turned out to be a lot easier then I expected, but mostly cause I get to people which makes me day no matter what's going on. First Roy and Matt stopped to talk. It was great talking to them, but I think I talked their ears off. Oh well. And McAlister walked by with his big grin. Robert walked by right as class was going to start. I don't see him as much as I use to so I get excited and happy every moment I get to. Is this making any coherent sense? I feel like my brain isn't functioning. But that's okay cause I'm done for the day. Except for meeting Emily to study psych and doing other homework, but that's not bad.

You know what I realized today? I havn't gotten a shot since November cause I forgot order a serum refill. I laughed cause I'm in a mood where nothing will really phase me cause I still havn't gotten enough sleep and told myself that I really need to do that. Which I do. But it will have to wait, cause Emily is waiting.

I'm sorry for being a downer. I thought getting out of the room and getting my mind off it would help. I wasn't going to tell you about it yet. I didn't want to be a downer. I hope your night cheered up, cause I know you ewre having a bad evening too. You know how amazing you are? Doubtful or you'd be arrogant.
It amazing how a day can be going so well, then something happens so fast to change it. I feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do for her, even if I could see her that would be wonderful. She's sick again, and its bad this time. She never fully recovered from the last time. I thought she was past it, almost. I'm scared. She might be hospitalized after graduation, but she hasnt' been told this. My mom is scared, too afraid to tell her. This will me no graduate school, she'll lose her full scholarship. I'm scared that they'll try to help her themselves and it will make things worse. She's in debt too on top of this. She took out a loan. She can barely afford utilities, much less a loan. I worry about her so much. I love her, but there is nothing I can say or do that can help her. I feel so distant. I've seen her twice since July. I've never been able to deal well with this kind of stuff, and now it feels like its never ending this year. I'm gonna stop typing cause I'm afraid of what I'll write if I process anymore. I know, I'm not being completely open at the moment. Forgive me.

Oh, on a happier note, congrats you guys. That's awesome, and I'm really happy for you two.

Wow. There are no words I can use to describe Him that could fully describe how wonderful He is. His grace is beyond my comprehension. The sermon today really touched on what I had been thinking, struggling with, and wondering for the last week. The first thing, is that it reminded me of how amazing His grace and love is. How He not only saved me in an eternal sense (which is amazing in and of itself) but His grace is there every moment, restoring and rescuing me. He has also given me so much more then I could ever deserve or dare to ask for. I know, it sounds common, something you hear all the time. I guess it just hit me again, like God was speaking it directly to my heart. "Its okay you mess up, I love you anyway and my grace is there for you in the little things as well." That's insane love. Love that puts up with me even when I'm not responding to it, even when my thoughts are elsewhere. Love that goes beyond the rescue and blesses in the little things. Love that never lets go. Love that gives beauty and sunsets to a rebellious people. It reminds me of being at the lake with Emilia Fuentes a few summers ago. I looked out the window and saw the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen over the lake.
"Emilia, come look at this!" And we both just stood leaning over the rail in silence soaking up the beauty.
"He's crazy." She said suddenly.
"Umm..who?"
"God. He's insane. He's lost it, off His rocker."
"What do you mean?" I asked slightly disconcerted.
"Look at this! Not only does He die for us, but He gives us beauty. He didn't have to die, but He chose to. Then He could have put us on some butt ugly planet (which is more then we deserve), but instead He gives us something this magnificant. He's crazy, but isn't His love amazing?"
Grabbing our guitars, we headed down to the dock to praise the God whose love is insanely beyond our understanding but wonderful (while also dodging the fireworks the neighbors shot in our direction).
As we dodged the fireworks, Emilia said "Isn't that what we're like?"
"What do you mean?"
"Here we started off praising God, but we were so easily distracted. We get into these moments of praise, but they fade away in a matter of minutes, weeks, months, we never stay completely awed by Him. Just like those fireworks. They start off so brilliant and fully of color, but they do not last long before they fade into the darkness."
Once again awed by Him, we wrote a song. Remember, we were freshman in high school at this time. No, I will not sing it for you, but some of you probably have heard it before:
Have you ever thought about His glory?
Have you ever thought about His love?
I'm like a fire cracker
Shoot off but soon burn out
Start out with praises, end up without

Chorus:
He's crazy, how can he love me?
He's crazy, how can He care
Even when my heart's not there
He's crazy, but beautiful, He fills my soul.

I'm so undeserving, how can He care
He's got all the might and power
All I've got is skin and hair.
Chorus

Another thing that hit me in the sermon touched on something I have been thinking about for awhile now. I keep pondering the idea of doing missions someday, or if not that, something over sees that is a mercy ministry (things like helping those after disasters and areas that need help). I hear about things like the tsunami or people going through hard times like in the poem Fallen Angel the other night and my heart goes out to them and I just want to do something to help. I'm trying to go on a mission trip this summer actually, just waiting for them to get back to me. But I'm struck by how useless I am. I'm not a person with great faith, I have no medical skill or building skill. I have nothing to offer the people to help. I know God gave me more skill in rehabilitation and a love for that, but that does little good to help in places like those. Today in the sermon, Stuart was teaching from John, the passage of the feeding of the five thousand. Part of what he said (it was more like an off hand comment that struck me) was that Andrew found the five loaves and two fish and knew it wasn't enough. But he offered it, and that allowed God's grace to be shown through and work a miracle. I have what He has given me, and if I follow His will, His grace will fill in the rest.

Yea, I know. These are things that I already "know", but they hit me on a real level today. Or maybe I had forgotten in a way.

I had something else I wanted to talk about, but I forgot. Oh well.

I went to a poetry reading at a local coffee shop last night again with Cynthia, Suzanne and Matthew. I love those. I'm going to post some on each poem I can remember because want to remember before I forget, so you can skip this part if you want.

The first guy, the one who runs it, wrotae a poem about poetry as an attempt to answer a question it slept through.

Another guy spoke of a girl in whose life something went wrong and she fell into prostitution and drugs then couldn't escape it and crying because she hated what she had become but had no escape. It spoke in the begining of her being an angel. And he ended with the line saying now this angel was fallen. The whole poem made me...the only word I can think of is sad. I know that actually happens to people, and I feel for them. I wish I oculd reach out and help them in some way. But the way he read that last line killed me. He said it with almost a laugh.

Another girl wrote on girls and guys. Those who have known both, say that a kiss from a girl is better. Is it because its innocent and looking for a savior? Soft and gentle and caressing? But girls have a string tied to the guy that they can casually tug. She can lure him in without caring. A kiss from Eve in the garden brought Adam.....i don't remember the rest of that line. This girl had another great poem about guys and girls but I don't remember.

A woman who just came back from Europe had one abotu conspiracy theories. You know those people who always have conspiracy theories. She starts out by talking about ones that seem out there and then comes into ones that are so common that most people would not recognize them as "conspiracy theories". Europe doesn't even have pictures on their liscenes, and we're going to finger prints and DNA banks. Use only cash so you cannot be traced. Throw away your Bi-Lo card, cause where I buy my potato chips is my business. It was a fun satire on the culture and those people that are constantly afraid of the government infringing on more of their privacy.

There are a couple I liked and its killing me that I can't remember what their about. One was a song by a guy and another was a poem by a girl who lives in my dorm. I remember her second poem. She talked about listening to 2000 songs on her mp3 that was illegal. And talked about some reminding her of certain times and times with this guy. He could listen to all 2000 songs and more, but it would not cause him to ever think of her.

Wow, I'm realizing how much poetry summeries ruin the poem. They do the poem no justice what so ever, especially when I cannot remember much from them. It makes them sound so simple, so shallow. Oh well, I'm going to continue with at least one more.

There was one poem I loved until the very end. I made me think of you Britt. I think you would have liked it. The guy was talking about liberals, diversity, and tolerance. There is diversity in a group of caucasions where one is a prep and one has dreads. Diversity doesn't have to mean a different race. He talked about how some liberals often tend to take these ideas to an extreme and try to force them. Ugh, I'm not remembering the good part of the poem, just the stupid last line. He had to go and make a racial joke on the last line which made me mad so I'm not going to post it. He was doing great then went one step too far.

That's all I can remember without straining my brain (I just woke up).

Last night was awesome though. Being whooped up on in chess, giving piggy back rides around target and down town Anderson, the stars, the old burned out buildings, going to the police station, talking about life, poetry, and randomness, coffee, being with good friends, singing (yea, I pity the people I was with).

I found a pottery place I really want to go back to. I also was shown a beautiful spot on campus. I think one night I'm going to go down there and read. It was wonderful to sit down there and just talk. So peaceful. Its wonderful having friends who I don't put up masks around, who I can be completely real with, no hiding, no holding back. I was thinking that on the bridge, and as carried to mugs back upstairs. Pillow fights, being cornered and tickled, throwing soccer balls til I'm so tired I can't catch even the slow ones... vita buona (that's for you Rachel).

But because I have "family here", close friends here, doesn't mean that I don't still miss you guys, because I do. Everytime I hear Eliot, walk around a downtown, discuss philosophy over coffee, go to a random park at night, hear that song, I think of all of you. Its weird. As I'm going things like that I am flooded with old memories, but at the same time, I'm making new ones. Both are good. But I wonder what will happen when I pass this stage of life and do it again in some future time. Will I be flooded with the memories of both? Will that much memory be wonderful or drowning? Will I forget one time because of the memories of another?

I know I've quoted this poem before, but bear with me because its been on my mind.

"Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
It all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
thus in your mind.
-"Burnt Norton" by T.S. Eliot

Hmm...I seem to have take up the habit of posting twice in one day. I just couldn't help it. It was so beautiful tonight. Walking out of Fike, the fog was amazing (again). The old, gnarled trees have an erie beauty in the fog. I loved how my breathe looked foggy and added to the atmosphere. It must have been cold because I could see my breathe, but I didn't feel cold. I mean, I could feel the cold on my face, but I myself was not cold. Everything seemed still and quiet. I love walking alone at night in the fog. (Its not like where I was walking is dangerous, its very safe. Its a short distance between Fike and my dorm. While I love walking with people, some nights its glorious to walk alone).

I was alone because the sabres finished early in fencing. The drill we were doing really did a number on our arms, not to mention I was exhausted so I was feeling lazy anyhow. After practice we did "balance drills" which basically were us trying to push eachother over with out falling and mixing that with kung fu. Mitchell is really good at karate stuff. At the begining of practice Josh came over and gave me a big hug. "Smile." I was surprised. He was the fourthperson to tell me that today. I guess my face is too tired to make the effort. =-)

Talking with Amy was awesome. She brought up questions I hadn't thought of before. I'll post them tomorrow or something. Speaking of tomorrow, its gonna rock.

I love my friend's here. Just chillin' in the hall, the dorm, the middle of the road, the middle of the night... Yea. I'm blessed. =-)

Today was weird. I woke up early to study and was actually not only able to get out of bed, but focus and feel pretty well. I was tired though, and not looking forward to the quizes. But on my way to clsass I passed Courtney. She got a huge grin and stuck her tongue out at me and made a funny face. It made me smile. The only time I smiled all morning. I thought I had a good grip on the information. I think I did well on my first biology quiz, but I made a 40 on the second. Its not a massive portion of my grade, but still really frustrating. I think the statistics test went really well. I knew the stuff, I just hope that my lack of sleep didn't interfere too much with my reasoning through the questions or ability to read the questions. So I came back to the dorm and had a nap. I didn't really fall asleep for more then 20 minutes but it felt so good just to lay there with my eyes closed for 2 hours. Lunch with Roy and Jon was fun, as it always is. They're great. Sitting in the hall with Tara, Robert and Jared for an hour brought back a lot of good memories. I havn't spent much time with them lately and I miss that. But it was a bit sad today. They were all talking about their senior year of high school and what their schools were like and the pagaents they had and proms and stuff like that. Stuff that I can't relate to. I love hearing the stories, but after awhile it gets hard to see them all excited about how their schools were similar and the similar experiences. They couldn't relate to the stuff I knew, and so they either ignored what I said or cut me short. They didn't mean to. Its just alot more fun for people to talk about stuff they can relate to. I did have fun hearing about their experiences. Am I being confusing? This is one run on paragraph cause I don't feel like splitting it up. So, all in all the morning sucked and the afternoon was good. This evening is going to be crazy busy. I doubt I'll have time to eat, but that's okay. I'm meeting Amy at the Java at 5pm. We're starting to study Galatians together. Then I have LTGs at 6:30 pm with Monica and Tara. Workout at 8pm and fencing at 9pm. All good stuff. It should be a really good evening. And tonight....sleep!!! Yes, I actually have my homework for tomorrow basically done. Isn't that great? Maybe I'll be in bed by midnight tonight! Makes me happy, oh yea!

Ugh. I'm sorry if I havn't been myself lately, I think the complete lack of sleep is finally having a toll on me.

Life's been good though, really good actually. Other then wanting sleep I couldn't ask for anything better.

I wrote something, a poem of sorts, but I don't feel like posting it. I don't think I'm thinking clearly enough to edit it. Now I must go and continue studying for my test and two quizes I have tomorrow.

Oh! But there is now so much on my mind! Serves me right for starting to blog late at night. But I got to walk up from the pit in the rain tonight. It was freezing, but the rain was so beautiful. There was something about it that is completely indescribable in the state of mind I'm currently in.

Hmm...got sidetracked and lost half of what I was thinking about.

God is so good. I don't know why he puts up with me, or how He can stand me somedays, but He never gave up on me and He's still leading me towards Him. He's changing me, slowly, but He is. So just have patience.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm brushing you off. One, I've been tired. Two, I feel so stretched thin by trying to be there for everyone. Did you know crisis seem to only happen at night? Yea, a lesson I'm learning. Three, I'm self-centered. But He is changing me slowly. Please be patient and don't give up on me!

This must end! I must study so I can sleep! Good night.

Hmm...I really should start sleeping someday. But never sleeping can have its perks too. Perks. Makes me think of coffee. English let out early today (thus the reason I can blog) and I'm stilling in the library with a short Irish Creme Latte. mmm. Makes me happy. Today shouldn't be bad.

Yea...I definitly posted last night but my lovely computer decided that it didn't like it. It only loses my happy posts. I guess it doesn't like me being happy. Grr...computers!

The weirdest thing happened this morning. I woke up with just this sense of how awesome God is. My alarm went off, and although I was groggy, I was just filled with a sense of how awesome He is. I sung praise songs as I got ready for the day in my raspy morning voice. I love the peacefulness of the morning. My roommate (who ROCKS!) has an 8am so I have the dorm to myself. It was cool to just get to spend time with Him. I've felt distant for awhile, and now I'm feeling the closeness again. Its great.

Today Cynthia and I baked cookies. It took forever cause we baked them in the shape of Chris's name for his birthday and frosted it and put sprinkles on. Everyone kept walking in the fourth floor study room commening on how yummy it smelled and I wished that I had cookies I could give them.

It's a glorious day. Sunny. I can hear the birds chirping outside of my window (which is open to keep the temperature in our dorm room down. Speaking of my dorm room. Its such a mess right now. I really need to clean it sometime. Poor Tara.

Well, I should actually get some homework done before fencing. I hope they're not still mad about me playing soccer. Not that them getting mad bothers me any. Maybe I can convince some of the fencers to run and work out with me after practice. Oh Kelly....