Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

The lightening storm this morning made it worth having to get up early, despite getting soaked. There were a couple of bolts where you could see the line of the lightening clearly from one end of the sky to the other. That's when Joe and I decided to stop holding the foil which was begining to look more and more like a lightening rod. Despite all this, we sold a lot at the bake sale in support of the fencing team.

With Stats, I just can't win. *sigh*

Yay for getting spring break pictures developed! Boo for my film somehow being exposed. Boo for me being a retard when it comes to my camara.

I don't know why I try somedays. I just felt like a complete idiot, like I was doing my team no good and it was as if I wasn't even there. I guess that's what I get for playing with people who are really good at soccer.

I feel better about the tournament now at least. I fenced a lot better tonight. I'm alittle nervous being around fencers on April fools day, especially Joel, but hopefully they'll forget what day it is.

I didn't want to go to LTG tonight. I knew she'd ask me how she was and I didn't want to think about it. I knew I would get that look from the others, and I hate that. It happened as expected, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I was prepared to answer, in control of emotion and answered straight forward. I guess I don't feel comfortable in that group all the time, especially with adding someone new. It'll take a week to get use to. I'm sorry that I'm not being as open as I was. I'm sorry I'm pulling away from most of you. I hate it in a way. I just don't know what to do most of the time. I'm confused and becoming apathetic. My response to the situation is slowly trying to disengage myself from what's going on (which I know isn't good), try to make it seem like something apart from me. I'm sick of being afraid, sick of hurting, sick of being sad, sick of myself and my poor reaction to all thats going on and my inability to handle it well.

The tree outside my window is a dogwood. What a reminder! I think God put it ther eto remind me everytime I look out the window.

I'm off to Michagen for a fencing tourny this weekend. Wish me luck!

The sunset was really pretty tonight. The whispy clouds were slowly painted pink and orange. No, it wasn't jaw dropping, but beautiful in a quiet, contemplative, gentle way.

Monday my side starting hurting. I brushed it off as not eating much that day and just made sure I didn't skip lunch or dinner on Tuesday, but it started to hurt more. Today, it really hurt walking to classes, sorta like I had run a couple of miles when I'll I did was walk to Daniel (which is not far). So I got the bright idea to test out what it'd be like to run with this. Hm...maybe I can run through it. It started hurting before I had even run a tenth of a mile, but I decided to try to push through it saying "either I'll push through it and be good, or this will really really hurt." 1.3 miles later I collapsed on the bench next to the track. Maybe tomorrow it'll feel better, maybe tomorrow running will work. All I can say is it better not be the same thing it was last semester and it better be better by Saturday.

I'm beginning to hate phones. More bad knews.

I really hate crying in front of people. I've gotten to the point where I'll wait to tell friends about what's going on until I am callous about the situation and can talk about it without crying and with control over my emotions. I know, its not a good thing. There are a couple of people who I'm real with, who I dont' control my emotions around. See, I've noticed lately how I've pushed a lot of my friends away. Its hard to explain. I hang out with them, but I don't want to be real with most of them, only a few. It hurts too much. I just want to go back to being able to answer "how are you?" with "good" and it be true. I think I also hate the look they give me and the way they treat me. I don't like being pitied. Pitying isn't loving, its a condescending love, or so it feels. There are those who truely care and there are those who give you that pitying look.


Can't you hear my scream?
Below the surface, I drown.
Sufficated by I'm fine.
So lost that I can't even find myself.
So scared, but unable to scream.
Cry of pain muffled by a mask
I choose to wear.
You cannot see. You don't want to.
Would you run away?
Leave me? Pity me?
Those are the same to me.
Pity is like a knife that cuts deeper
than the lonliness.
It is a condescending attempt at love.
So I pull away to the dark lonely.
I can handle my own pain, thank you.
I'm just on the ground to tie my shoe.
I did not trip, I purposely sat.
Don't look at me like that.
SPACE!
Oh please don't leave.
I dont' know what I want.
Don't look at me, but dont' leave me
I can't be alone, but I can't stand
To have you near either.
What am I ranting about now?
Self-pitying, frustration at nothing
Screaming at the air as if
its existence was some injustice
rather than quietly sustaining.
Raising my fist against the sun
Because it goes away at night
Instead of dancing with the stars
in their twinkling twilight
Sing to me again of joy
Of peace beyond everything
Of sweet release. Unclench my fist
Sing with the sun, dance with the leaves
Twirl in the twilight, smile through the dark.
Jump, laugh, joyfull reveling in nothing
but the fact of existing.
There is one who loves without pity
who never leaves,
who refuses to allow us to carry
our own loads not matter how stubborn
we may be
I need to be rescued don't I?
Saved from myself. I have
become my own slave driver
Forcing a burden on myself
Run away, run to Him.
Open arms,
I need a hero.

The weather today is awesome. I really should be doing what Tara is doing right now and take a nap, but she left her music on really loud (she can sleep through anything) and if I turn it off she'll wake up. C'est la vie. I have alot due tomorrow anyway so its good I can't sleep. Its weird in a way coming back to the routine of things. Its weird seeing people again after being gone even if it was only for a week. Kinda makes me dread summer. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about seeing all of you again, but I'm really going to miss these people and when we come back it won't be the same as it was. Things always change. It'll be three months gone. But hopefully I'll still get to see a few of them now and then, and I'll get to see ya'll, play with the Plague, spend time with my family, horseback ride, all good stuff.

Please don't worry about me. I'm not like that, you don't have to be afraid.

She lost weight again.

God thank you for all you do. Please strengthen my faith and lead me to you. Help me to trust and not try to do everything in my own strength. Thank you for your mercy, wisdom and love. You are amazing.

Wow, what a week! So much happened I don't know what to say or where to start. The movie Saw is a good movie, but bloody. I definitly cringed a lot. The drive out to Texas was fun. I managed to get take a wrong turn on a highway which we aren't suppose to turn off of. But it was a fun wrong turn cause we got to check out a waterfall, see a wild turkey, and drive on back roads. I was sooo excited when I saw my first cactus in the wild. Although, I did mistake a thistle for a cactus. (Sh...don't tell anyone that I'm admitting I was wrong). James was kind enough to let us stay the night in Longview. I felt bad that I was so tired that I wasn't up for hanging out much other than watching a movie. But it was good to see him and where he lived. Houston is awesome looking the way all the bridges and overpasses cross over eachother. Really cool looking. Staying with Matt's grandparents was really fun, even more fun than I thought it'd be. His grandmother is so funny, I had a blast talking to her while he worked on computers. Getting to hear them bash the south texans all the time was funny too. Her house is right on the lake and it was beautiful. Hanging out in Corpus Christi was great. I havn't been to the beach in a long time. Just wandering along the beach, playing in the sand, and goofing off. San Antonio is beautiful, especially the river walk. I got to see the Alamo. We met up with Amy, Roy, and John in Austin, went to a weird toy store and an awesome coffee shop where we played rook. Good times. The next morning Amy and I attacked the boys with silly string and wrote on what we thought was Roy's car about frolicing lessons. That was a fun way to start off the day. Played putt putt and got real mexican food. The drive to Longview was the roughest part because I was so tired, but we made it in time to see UNC win their game. Heck yea, Duke is out! The drive to Columbia wasn't bad but not as fun as the first drive. Shreveport is pretty with its murals. Columbia was fun, I felt welcomed which was wonderful because it was my first time being away from home on a holiday. Man, was I acting like a dumb blonde most of the time, lol. Parts were hard, especially after talking to my family a couple of times, but I couldn't ask for a better situation to be in to cope with what was going on. I love listening to rain. Getting back has been rough, trying to catch up on all my homework. I'm glad I got to play soccer though. Hmm...I'm gonna end this and get lunch. Maybe i'll post again later.

What to say. It was good seeing you all again. Crazy in a way. Sorry if I sounded short on the phone, I was just disappointed I wouldn't get to see you. And there were those people. The ones who don't know anything about the situation and aren't suppose to know anything about the situation, but come up to me and ask "how's your sister?" in a way that I almost get the sense that they are only asking because they are curious to know what is going on. That's why they ask me and not my parents. It was sufficating to be somewhere where everyone knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Everyone had to give their tidbit to the mystery. I couldn't wait to leave, yet I loved being with you all so much that in a way I didn't want to leave. It was so good to be back at Grace. But it was also so good to come back to Clemson and hear "Ashley, come play!" yelled across Bowman, to play and hang out and no one trying to figure out what's wrong or fix it. Just enjoying hanging out. It was good to go home and be with people who knew me, but it was good to come back to where I'm not surrounded by people who think they know me. I'm not making sense am I? My parents were stressing as I left. My poor dog and cats knew everyone was leaving again and were constantly under foot wanting attention. It was a good drive back. Peaceful. Gave me a lot of time to think. I really do miss you all. I miss my family as well. It was good to spend time with them. I'm so excited about this week though. Texas! Yay! I know, I keep saying that don't I? Well, deal with it cause I'm going to say it again: I'm so excited!! Have a great week everyone!

Wow, home.
Staring out the third floor window of the office, I realized how much I missed it here. There was a little, blonde girl running after the pigeons the old woman was feeding across the street in the park. Two guys with dreads played instruments while three girls in long flowing skirts moved slightly to the beat. People sat in small groups talking; two old men played chess. The blue sky melted against against the beautiful architecture of that end of town (near the grove arcade). I love Clemson, don't get me wrong. But there is a strange beauty in this place, in the mountians and in the people. Its different and unique. I looked down and saw my mom sitting on a bench enjoying the sunlight. It was wonderful. A small, old woman waddled out of the cubicle behind me.
"You passed the assessment test. We'll notify you next week about the position." Blissful, peaceful feeling.
But why couldn't he have told me sooner. A call two weeks ago would have helped. But then I wouldn't have come home for this job, would I? I wouldn't be enjoying seeing people or soccer or my family. I guess some things work out for the better. And who knows, maybe that will still work out too.
Speaking of soccer...The Plague kicked some butt tonight! 11-3 was it? or did we have 12? Whatever. It was so fun playing with them again, even if there were only four of us from the old team. There's something about it just being the Plague that makes it special. It just sucked that I had to hurt my knee in the beginning of the second period, so I didn't get to play much. Oh well.
Memories of old times...
As we sat in Old Europe, it almost felt as if time rewound for a moment. Back to a year ago, back when that was a weekly occurance. But in a way it was different. We all have different memories and events and stories and are slightly different ourselves. But in those few moments while we were there, it was as if all that time had been only a couple of weeks. We were close again. Talking about life and goofiness.
It was wonderful and hard to see my family. Learned more that has been going on than I knew. She was worse off than I knew. Things aren't over yet, but they're slowly improving. Mom is moving to Chapel Hill on Monday to live with her. It was wonderful staying up talking to dad and having dinner with mom.
For a moment I almost wished I was here longer. Than, I changed my mind. I'm glad its a short stay. Anyway, I'm sooooo excited about going to Texas!
Do I worry you? Cause you act like it. You don't need to worry. I'm fine, I'm not like that. I'll be okay. =-)

I guess I should post. I'm so excited about spring break!! A couple days at home then off to Texas!! Wow. You know, I started writing then decided that I don't feel like saying much, or anything at all. Have a wonderful St. Patrick's Day and may the luck of the Irish be with you. =-)

It's a good Monday. Oxymoron? Maybe.

Guess who I talked to yesterday? David Bradley. I havn't seen him in ages!! It was great to talk to him again. Remember when..... three diamond cats, campouts, shaving cream, scars, football.....Wow, good times.

I also got to talk to Sarah yesterday. That was good. It helped and hurt at the same time. It helped to hear her voice and talk to her. It sounds like she's doing better and is going to get through this. It was hard to hear what she's going through. It hurts when someone you love is in a place like that and going through stuff like that. But its so wonderful getting to talk to her more. I'm going to call her every night. Hopefully that tradition will stay even when she's out of the hospital. Some of what she said hit me hard. Made me hurt so badly for her. Some of what she said made me wish I knew her better. Then I realized how close this is bringing us, so in a horrible way its a good thing. I'm getting to know a side of her I never knew before. A realness.

I woke up happy this morning. I actually made myself a cup of hot coco for breakfast (something I never do). Rasperberry coco. Yum. Got to talk to Tara. English class was fun (we tried to sell parolees an empty coke can), except for yet another dumb grade on my paper. Oh well. I've ceased caring. Spanish...yea... Tara and I just went to the Java for coffee and scones cause our professor didn't care. "I know you two are honors students and are roommates, but you got the highest grades on the test. Good job!" That class is a joke. She told us which eight animals would be on part of it, and people still missed them. I'm amazed by people some days.

Ran into Matt and Roy and got to talk to them for a bit. I love running into people I know unexpectedly. Its always makes my day. Then Amanda told me Katie found my cell phone!!! But she gave it to Kanu. He said he'll bring it by around four, so...YAY!!! Happy day!!! *does a dance*

Now I'm listening to Jump Little Children and relaxing before diving into the insanity. I'm so excited about spring break. What's up with Clemson having weird breaks so that I don't get to see ya'll? Well, hopefully I'll get to see Britt.

I went for a run last night. I wish I could have run outside, but girl running alone at night = stupid. So I ran in Fike. It was wonderful. There is something about the pounding that helps to process the day.
Have a wonderful day! Take a moment and look around you. See the flowers are starting to bloom. See how everything is turning green. Smile.

What a beautiful day!! Perfect for a run. The breeze blew so hard at times my pony tail was against my face and the trees were bent away from the brilliant blue yet cloud speckled sky. The trees and the daffidils are were flowering along the sides of the roads and walks. So peaceful. I wanted to just run ahead, and run forever, but I had too keep stopping for her. But that's okay because it was nice to have someone to share the beauty with.

Graceful professors, class being canceled, time taken out for long missed friends, great basketball games (even if we lost), goofing off, relaxing, yea... definitly a good day. I could definitly spend a long time in the library looking at books. Everytime I go there to get a book I get completely side tracked. Yea...I'm a nerd.

It was so fun playing soccer this week. I really wish we had won, but that's okay. Hopefully we'll all keep playing pick up games together for the rest of the semester. I really wish I hadn't hurt my foot before the last game. "What did you do to your foot!?" my roommate exclaimed when I took my shoe off revealing my broken toe, jammed toe, and the slightly swollen side of my foot. I played like and idiot, but had fun.

Pulling...stretching..
Have a grown two inches yet? Maybe I can dunk now.
Jerking harder, close to snapping
Please stop! Please! This is harder than it seems.
Defending, Ducking
Please don't hit me when I'm already down. That was cruel.
You hit me with a smile, saying it is out of love.
Please understand, I'm doing the best I can.
I am afraid, but you don't seem to see it. You're blind to this.
Please, I need some grace or I'll break.

No Matt, that's not an attempt at a poem, its just a weird form of rambling.

Ella esta en el hospital ahora. Ore para nosotros y especialmente para ella.

I'm sorry to you who I've snapped at, you who I have judged, you who I have hurt, you who i have neglected. I apologize for being wrapped up in myself. Please understand that I'm still a work in progress. He's changing me slowly, but I'm so stubborn so be pacient. I tried to be independent these last weeks. I tend to do that. Be close to God when everything is fine, but when life goes nuts I try to handle it on my own. I really need to trust You and learn dependence. But I'm learning that I tend to be that way with my relationships with people too (which isn't good to try to be too independent). "You really don't need anything do you?" He said. I half wanted to say, Yes I do! But I want to do it myself, I don't want to take things from anyone else. Is it because I hate feeling like I am a burden to people? Is it because I hate to feel needy? Is it because I'm too proud to admit I need help? I also notice that I don't deal with things well. I like to avoid the problem, not think about it. This is somewhat effective until it comes to a head and needs to be dealt with, or if its a person. I could continue to write on my recent revelations but I shall spare you.

I was looking for books for my honors contract paper on hispanics and the educational system, and wound up not getting much done and instead pondered. The problem isn't needing to teach them in spanish, but continue to teach them in english so they will learn the language and give them help outside of school or in a seperate class in school where they can ask questions. That's what my paper is on, but I wound up not thinking about that as much as the english speaking kids. How terrible it is that in other countries children are required to learn foreign languages and people are usually fluent in other languages, but not in America. Not in America where we techinically have no official language, are a melting pot, and are suppose to be supportive of other cultures. Instead, we are currently pulling foreign language classes out of elementary schools. Even in schools where foreign languages are taught, the students are not encouraged or pushed to learn it. They are basically given an effort for being there, and they are lucky if they can even recite the alphabet by fifth grade. We are becoming so wrapped up in what we consider "American" that we are ignoring that we are part of a larger world full of other cultures. We don't have an official language, but we force english on everyone. We're "tolerant" of other cultures but force ours on other people. We forget that we are a country of immigrants. Culture classes and foreign languages should be taught to children. Kids should know that there is a bigger world out there than the one they see around them. They should know that the American culture is not automatically supreme. Ugh, we're all so caught up in our own little lives.

Okay, I'll stop ranting. Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Today should have been a bad day due to the unfortunate events, but I was happy so I'm calling it a good day. It seemed that no matter what happened, I just laughed. The weather was amazing and everything just seemed beautiful.

We won the first soccer play off game!! The other team didn't show up (shhh...don't tell). I can't wait for tomorrows game. I love soccer.

Chealsea beat Barcelona in a close match today (I bet Emily was watching). It got me geared up for the game that never happened but was fun.

I wonder if I spend too much time there, if I get on their nerves. I wish just once they'd tell me to leave so I'd know they would if I overstayed my welcome.

Coffee and real conversations, that's what life's about. I'm slacking on making one on one time with people lately. I've been getting so wrapped up in myself. I am so self-centered. =-(

I'm going to a ho down this weekend!!! Just thinking about it brings back memories from ACA. Spending hours and hours making that dumb unfinished building look like a barn under so many rules, dancing, overalls, goofing off...good times.

I havn't neglected you, promise. I've just been... I don't know. I guess I just havn't felt like posting. Because if I post I will say what I feel and think, and that isn't always the best thing to do.

Friday night was nice, listening to poetry, working on a puzzle...then I broke down. On the inside I felt like I was being torn in two. I wanted to throw up, or crawl into a ball and cry. But I felt at the same time like I couldn't cry. I was torn between wanting terribly to let out all the emotions that screamed to be released and not being able to. His hug was so comforting and she patted my foot to show she cared. Gosh I hate being weak and out of control.

Saturday I got to see Doug!!!! That was wonderful. I've missed him. Sadly I didn't get to hang out with him long because he was so busy. Everyone also seemed to want to hang out Saturday so I really didn't get the amount of homework done that I wanted to. But soccer practice was a blast. I finally got to go out to dinner with my neglected floor buddies who I havn't spent much time with. Oooh I like the steering in that truck. I'm way too addicted to puzzles. I WIN! Actually I really don't get it...

The fencing tourny went well in that I placed first and got an E rating! But I don't feel like I actually fenced well and I felt really bad for beating Kelly. She deserves it more than I do. But all in all it was fun. Riding down with Roy was great, and so was seeing my parents. But yet again, that night I had a lovely emotional break down. Seems to be a recurring theme lately. I think I need more sleep. I was doing fine until Robert walked in. For some reason I can never cover up how I'm really feeling around him. I guess that's a good thing... Well, when he asked how I was I broke down into tears, Eric walked in behind him, looked confused, walked out and came back with tissues. Thanks you guys. It seems Robert, that you always catch me at the roughest times of the day. Do you mind? I apologize.

I had the worst morning. I have never had such a bad Monday. But going to the pit helped alot. Being out inthe sun, watching the clouds, talking, music...that really changed my day. So did tea and a good book and good bread. Its been awhile since that many people have just come randomly into the room just to hang out. It was nice.

A good thing about warm weather: I love having the window open. I love listening to the people passing in the courtyard.

Bouncy bouncy bouncy......ASHLEY!!!!!! Do it again! Hey, I learned alot.

I've been learning alot about myself lately.

I'm shutting up for now cause i don't feel like rambling anymore. Good night.

Puzzles are wonderful =-)

The sky is so insanely blue today!! Not a cloud in it.

I love watching people around campus, seeing them interact. This morning in the dining hall a girl walks by a guy and without saying anything or looking at him she slaps him across the back of the head keeps walking. He laughs, and goes over and gives her a hug and they both laugh.

I have found that there are five types of people you pass on campus:
1. those you don't know
2. those who smile or nod at you as they pass, they might venture a hey, but that's pushing it.
3. those who attempt the warp speed conversations of heyhowareyoui'mgoodhaveagoodday all fit in while not stopping as they pass. The answer to how are you is always good or tired or stressed.
4. those who stop to talk. It maybe a quick conversation or it may put them in danger of being late for class depending on the day, but they'll always stop for at least a second. Its much less surfacey than three.
5. the rarest kind. The ones who you don't see until you are suddenly wrapped up in a big hug, then they smile and walk away.

I know, three posts in the last hour, but alot has been on my mind. Another friend said an interesting thing the other day. Its okay to be afraid. Jesus was afraid when he prayed in the garden all night. But with that fear also needs to be faith and perserverence. I keep trying to do everything on my own and not lean on Him. I'm leaning on Him more now than I did with Grandma, but I'm still not trusting and am letting the fear overshadow everything. But He's changing me slowly, and teaching me. Forgive me my friends, I'm a work still in progress. Many times in the last year I've asked why, but I can see He is changing me. You all know I hate being dependent, but slowly He's teaching me to be dependent on Him. I'm proud and self centered, but He slowly calling me on it. The change feels so slow!!!
I tend to forget that my reason for existing is to do His work and accomplish His will. Instead, I tend to want to live for myself (although I don't want to do that at the same time, there's the whole Paul thing). Change my heart!!!

"Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend.
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that know again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."
John Donne "Holy Sonnet 14"

So different from how I feel when I try things on my own:
"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us - if at all - not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men."
-T.S. Eliot "Hollow Men"

Change me Lord. Pull me to you. Don't let me get lost in myself.

this is funny! http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=241#

I've been selfishly caught up in my own life lately havn't I? A friend confronted me the other day saying that people around the world are going through worse things, worse than I can currently imagine. I'm so selfish to be thinking that my problems are that bad.

You remember how she spoke a few weeks ago at DCF (I forget her name) about sorrow and joy being together. Yea, I'm sort of there. Which is good, I guess. It still hurts, but in a way I'm joyful even if I don't always appear to be (tiredness is also factor in my not appearing joyful). You don't mind if I don't tell you what's going on right? I am not able to because too many of you know my family, and this is one of those things I'm not allowed to talk about. That's one thing nice about being here, away from those close to my family. I can talk about everything openly and truthfully. Its refreshing. Its not that I didn't trust you all, but I wasn't allowed.

Class was canceled this morning so Cynthia and I just hung out with an hour and a half which was nice. Its been a relaxing morning. I woke up with more time than I needed which was nice in its own way as well.

Have any of you read the book Chip gave us, Can Man Live Without God? I've been reading it this semester in the tiny windows of time I have no and again. I'm really enjoying it. Anyone have any thoughts on it?

My parents are coming to the fencing tournament this weekend. I'm excited and nervous. Excited to see them and for them to share in what I've been doing, nervous cause I want to do well while they are watching (and it would be sooo awesome to get a rating). I'll relax once I get there. I always get nervous before tournaments. I think its my pride.
"I don't feel like practicing today." Amy said pulling her jacket on.
"Me niether."
"Well, on second thought, I want to practice, but my pride doesn't feel like practicing today." I stopped and pondered what she said. So true. That's the way I am most days when I don't want to go to practice or a tournament. Ugh, I hate my pride.

I was reading Catch-22 last night. Remember how I use to steal it out of you locker while you were in chorus, and when the choir director would give you a study hall you'd come looking for it and I would be curled up on the backpacks in the corner reading it? It brought back memories of you reading quotes from it in economics, which brought back memories of coloring disney princess pictures and you trying to learn who was who. Good times.

The day went well up until tonight. I was at peace and had a really good day. But as the evening wore on it just went downhill. I went tonight hoping to just sit and listen and not be expected to talk. C'est la vie. I really did feel sick and need to sit down. Something in me wanted to call after them "wait!" and cry and ask for a hug. But something in me wanted to push away from them and get away alone. I guess the later won.

There were a few of you, that when asked to describe me in one word, responded with strength. You knew me for years and knew me well. What happened to that girl? The strong one? I wish I could be strong again.