Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I had an amazing night tonight! We went out to dinner with Todd and Annika (its always fun to hang out with them) and then to the Astro to see PS I Love You. Depressing movie, but much better the second time around. I think I might buy the sound track. It really brings out in me how very deeply I love him and how hard and impossible it would be for me to get over losing him. The rest of the night was nice and simple: homework and TV. Very relaxing. I'm falling behind with all the wedding stuff I need to be doing, but I'm so much more sane and at peace when I let that stuff go. I mean, I want everything to go well, but sometimes its nice to have a break from it. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to get more of it done.
I realized that I would have loved to have been a nursing major. I mean, I can't regret my major too much because of my friends, the things I've learned and most of all the study abroad experience. That is something I never could dream of not having done. (Seeing Ireland in the movie made me miss it and made me remember why I told dad I was moving there at the soonest possible moment.) The study abroad forever changed me and my perspectives. Makes the rest of my major worth being forced through. Now, medical school did pop into my mind. All my reasons for not doing it are gone. I can stick people with needles and deal with hearing about diseases where organs melt if I need to. I am still drawn to physical therapy, but I wonder sometimes if I'll really help people doing that. I mean, I know I will...I'll help people walk, regain strength and movement, but there still is something about medicine that draws me, something that says medicine is more useful. But I do love how you can create your own schedule more in physical therapy, and you can leave the field for awhile and come back without a problem. It makes it alot easier to have a family in a field like that. I know I'll love it. But I'm going to second guess myself right up until I graduate from school for it most likely. Thanks for letting me think about all that. Probably boring for you to read.
Well, I have more to say, but I'm exhausted adn its 1am. Good night :-)
I realized that I would have loved to have been a nursing major. I mean, I can't regret my major too much because of my friends, the things I've learned and most of all the study abroad experience. That is something I never could dream of not having done. (Seeing Ireland in the movie made me miss it and made me remember why I told dad I was moving there at the soonest possible moment.) The study abroad forever changed me and my perspectives. Makes the rest of my major worth being forced through. Now, medical school did pop into my mind. All my reasons for not doing it are gone. I can stick people with needles and deal with hearing about diseases where organs melt if I need to. I am still drawn to physical therapy, but I wonder sometimes if I'll really help people doing that. I mean, I know I will...I'll help people walk, regain strength and movement, but there still is something about medicine that draws me, something that says medicine is more useful. But I do love how you can create your own schedule more in physical therapy, and you can leave the field for awhile and come back without a problem. It makes it alot easier to have a family in a field like that. I know I'll love it. But I'm going to second guess myself right up until I graduate from school for it most likely. Thanks for letting me think about all that. Probably boring for you to read.
Well, I have more to say, but I'm exhausted adn its 1am. Good night :-)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Today has been rough. I think I've split everything I've touched on top of scrambling to finish a lab report...
Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself, escape. I know running away won't help. I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me, especially him. I'm so distructive in my relationship. I freak out for no reason. I can't believe that I would ever even hint at the possibility that we shouldn't be together. I love him and think we'll be great, but when I get like that I question. I hate that I do that to him. Who would be so mean to put the one they love in a situation they know is hard for him? I freak and I make him stay to comfort me for it. I have this horrible feeling that one day he'll get sick of dealing with it and just leave. So whenever I"m like that and he starts to leave, or I think he starts to leave, I feel like my heart dies. Cause even when I'm crazy and question, I know I love him and only want to be with him forever. Who would put up with a person like me? I'm torture to be around. I should be more understanding towards him than anyone else -and I use to be - but now I put all these pointless pressures on him and get upset with him at stupid things. I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS WAY!! Why I am so broken? I pray that God will change me so I can be more like Him and also so I can treat those around me better. I know I've been saying I"ll go to counseling, but this time I'm not going back on it. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment next week with Redfern. I've been trying to change, and haven't. I need help. I don't know how they can help, but I can only hope that they can. So many times I've wished that they'd find out I had brain cancer so there would be a reason for this, this uncontrolable emotion. Unfortunately, I"m beginning to believe its just somethign about the way I'm made, something I have to work to overcome. Thank God for putting Matthew in my life!! Someone who puts up with my emotion and in that way he can help me over come it. Someday, hopefully soon, I"ll be a better person for him. I hate how slow change is. I love him so much!! I hate when I hurt him. He's an amazing person with a good heart.
Gonna be late for class. Peace. Pray for me to change.
Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself, escape. I know running away won't help. I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me, especially him. I'm so distructive in my relationship. I freak out for no reason. I can't believe that I would ever even hint at the possibility that we shouldn't be together. I love him and think we'll be great, but when I get like that I question. I hate that I do that to him. Who would be so mean to put the one they love in a situation they know is hard for him? I freak and I make him stay to comfort me for it. I have this horrible feeling that one day he'll get sick of dealing with it and just leave. So whenever I"m like that and he starts to leave, or I think he starts to leave, I feel like my heart dies. Cause even when I'm crazy and question, I know I love him and only want to be with him forever. Who would put up with a person like me? I'm torture to be around. I should be more understanding towards him than anyone else -and I use to be - but now I put all these pointless pressures on him and get upset with him at stupid things. I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS WAY!! Why I am so broken? I pray that God will change me so I can be more like Him and also so I can treat those around me better. I know I've been saying I"ll go to counseling, but this time I'm not going back on it. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment next week with Redfern. I've been trying to change, and haven't. I need help. I don't know how they can help, but I can only hope that they can. So many times I've wished that they'd find out I had brain cancer so there would be a reason for this, this uncontrolable emotion. Unfortunately, I"m beginning to believe its just somethign about the way I'm made, something I have to work to overcome. Thank God for putting Matthew in my life!! Someone who puts up with my emotion and in that way he can help me over come it. Someday, hopefully soon, I"ll be a better person for him. I hate how slow change is. I love him so much!! I hate when I hurt him. He's an amazing person with a good heart.
Gonna be late for class. Peace. Pray for me to change.
