Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

This week as been nuts, lots of stuff going on, but not in a bad way. I ended up doing well on my Spanish test and I'm pretty sure my International Health test went well also. We had a party for Natalie Monday and I got to hang out with Roy, Amanda and Matthew. I don't get to see Roy and Amanda much this year, so I enjoy when I get to. It was awesome seeing Josh as well. I've been randomly bumping into him a lot lately which has been cool.

I've been more relaxes lately. I think I'm finally letting go of the desire to be perfect academically (yea, its about time eh?). I'm sorry for how moody I've been lately. Hopefully that'll change as I relax.

This isn't going to be a "this is what's on my mind post". I dunno, I am just feeling less like writing it and more like if you want to know, talk to me. But I'll probably start writing more anyway, lol.

It was wonderful running this morning. It was dark when we started and the campus seemed so quiet and peaceful. Definitely a great way to start of the day.

Will you all be praying for me that God will prepare my heart for the Honduras mission trip over Christmas? It's be much appreciated.

It was a lovely day today. I drove up to Asheville for the Honduras meeting and went early to go to the service at Grace. I always love going to the services there. It was kinda weird though with most everyone gone (although I did get to see Kitty, Will, Allison and run into Ashley Bond). Mom was so excited to see me she screamed, right in the foyer. I felt too loved to feel embarassed. The worship music was amazing! It was lead by a christian celtic band. Josiah's message was on peace and really touched on a lot of what's been on my mind lately. The meeting got me really excited about Honduras, so excited I can't wait to go and just felt like dancing. I guess I'll mention more on that at someother point, for now I just need sleep. Today was wonderful and relaxing though. I didn't get much homework done, but its not bothering me. I did get to hang out with my sister; it was wonderful to see her again!! Played piano...my cat and dog followed me around the house...checked on KO... I started to go to movie night tonight, but drifted off. I went upstairs to study some, and left early. Had a good talk. I miss talking. Everything gets so busy that none of us take time to talk about things other than classes or simple stuff. We're either doing homework or doing something to get our minds off of homework and to not think. Which I guess is a good thing in a way. Homework has to happen and so does relaxing and there is only so much time in a day...
Speaking of time, time for sleep =-) Yay for my 9am not being mandatory tomorrow =-)

I know, I know, I'm not suppose to walk alone at night. But I really did need to clear my mind and I promise I stuck to the well-lit areas. It was the perfect night for walking, so after parking my car close to the dorm for tomorrow, I wandered.

A group of guys were trying to do pull-ups on a tree branch.

"Where did you come from...."

A girl sat on the library steps drinking a bottle of water; I think I startled her...

"...Where did you go..."

A guy fought with a drink machine while a couple kissed on a park bench near the reflecting pond...

"Where did you come from..."

A rowdy group was leaving the frat dorms on their way to a party...

"...Cotton-eyed Joe" Ugh, why is that song stuck in my head?

Yet the night was perfect. Dark, silent (generally), warm in a way that made you feel like you were cuddled up in a blanket. It was a nice night for a walk. Ever feel really guilty about the way you treat someone? When at first you are mad at them, snap at something unrelated, realize you were the one in the wrong originally (and the second time as well) and completely regret the way you treated them? Or to realize that even if they had been in the wrong, it still would not merit the way you treated them? Yea. I've been doing this a lot lately. I the responsibility for the way I'm acting and I'm not going to chalk it up to stress, tiredness, PMS, or whatever. For any of you who I have hurt, my deepest apologies. Pray that God will continue to change my heart and grow me in love.

I got the worst feeling of being overwhelmed tonight (which was another thing on my mind while walking). Just realizing the amount of work for this next week is a lot greater than anticipated and I won't have tomorrow to do it. I'm driving up to Asheville tomorrow for the Honduras meeting, which will be great and I'm looking forward to it, but it kinda adds to the stress of figuring out how I'm going to get everything done. I think half the problem is that I need to just let go, realize I don't have to be perfect and not worry about it instead of letting the work load take over me. I make that the most important thing in my life, and that needs to change. Easier said than done eh?

Take the knife out of me now cause that hurt.

Speaking of knives, I keep cutting myself with one while slicing an apple. Dumb, I know, I just think: I don't have to worry about cutting correctly, what are the chances of...*slice*..." Yea, I'm in the honors college...

I havn't been myself lately have I? I've been worrying too much, stressing, pulling back into a shell, avoiding "real talk", being negative and cynical. I'm determined to get back to being myself, even if it means a quiz grade or two slides. Its not worth becoming what I've become.

That's the only way to describe the day. Calm and pleasant. Yummy belgian waffle for breakfast, played a game in Comm and got cookies, got my 298 test score back: 102, relaxed in the afternoon, went to Fike, went to a CLPP meeting and hung out with an awesome girl from Jerusalem and attempted to teach her English slang, had dinner with the girls, went for a walk with my roomie, got some homework done...

Smile. Yes, peaceful and sweet.

Yea, I know I shouldn't have played on my ankle, but I promise I didn't play hard. I didn't hurt it anymore than it already was... It was so much fun playing with a smaller group, a relaxed group. We should definitely do that more often. Although I think I met about half the people in Fike before playing trying to find a few more players. Actually, the random ones we picked up turned out to be decent compared to those we were playing with. Amazing, I can be shy at times and completely outgoing at others... I'm odd.

How was my morning? Let's not go there. I am ignoring the events of the morning and it'll get better. It was just one of those mornings where one bad thing happened after another, but starting about noon it got a lot better.

Not too much on my mind I suppose. Its been a relaxing day.

Wait...I guess one thing is on my mind. I've been studying about poverty for my International Health class. One of the impacts of poverty in developing nations is that the people do not have enough food to keep both their children healthy and alive so they have to choose who lives. If they have a son and a daughter, the son is more likely to help them in their old age so they give the food to him and the mortality rates of girls sky rocket during a famine. I couldn't help but think about what would I do if I was in that situation. If the parents lets him/herself starve there will be no one to provide for the family and the kids will die anyway. But if the you split the food equally, you will all die. "If you have nothing else, you just become desparate" my professor would say. That class really makes me think. Anyone who is in college cannot comprehend poverty, because if you are here you have been given an opportunity and true poverty is totally hopeless in the sense we talk about it.

Mi profesora de espanol esta loca! Ella esta tan desorganizada que no sabemos lo que estudiar por su examen. Es imposible! Todd y yo tratamos. Pero, hora no me importa. Ya tuve demasiado examenes en otras clases que me mente esta agotada. No puedo aprender mas, pero no me importa. Tambien, este clase no esta tan interesante a mi que los otros. Entonces, no tengo el motivacion para estudiar. Pero, una cosa bien occurio: no tenia que trabajar este semana. Que bien, verdad? Entonces, tenia mas tiempo para estudiar y gastar tiempo con amigos.

Ok, enough spanish. My brain still feels gone. The codeine is definitely gone from my system but the headache I got after taking it is still there. Its not like any headache I had before, it feels different. I don't know how to describe it. I do know one thing for sure, I don't think I'll take codeine again. No, I've not become a druggie; I've just hurt my ankle again and Redfern did they're typical: we don't know but have some meds. I think they're perscribed codeine to half the people I know at one point or another cause everytime I've mentioned it someone has been on it before.

So how's life? Its good, despite the negative outlook I've had lately. I really need to work on that. Someone has started pointing it out to me when I get in the negative mindset. It's been good because I don't realize it most times when I'm doing it and i never realized how much I've been doing that lately. But I'm finding I love my major and I'm settling into classes enough that I can spend more time with people (to some extent). I'm finding a balance. Its weird, I've been thinking lately of the Asheville people, all you who I knew in high school. I'm hope you are doing well. Don't be strangers.

This weekend our church is tailgating for the Boston College game! I'm excited =-) and I got a hill ticket. WHOO!!!

So yea...I guess I didn't do a good job of keeping this updated. Oh well, better luck next time. I feel so anti-social, like all I ever do is study. I really miss hanging out with people more, but that's part of life in college I suppose. At least the classes are interesting. And guess what?? I'm still alive!! Can you believe it? I'm actually getting better at balancing my work load and still have fun. Speaking of fun, the game Saturday was awesome, but so depressing!! We were so close! I really enjoyed going out to the apartments to see people. I need to try to get out there again and visit courtney and roy's aparments. Walking with Amy was wonderful, I love girl time. Yes, this is going to be a random stream of consciousness post. I'm tired so you can deal with it. =-) Tara and I have seemed to have drifted apart more. Its sad, but I'm slowly excepting that it happens and just hope that when we have more time we'll reconnect more. Our schedules are pretty different. It was good seeing my parents this weekend and the Framkes. They're fun to hang out with. Its so hard to make time to spend with God admist all that's happening. I feel bad cause I almost have to force myself to set aside time. Its just so easy to get focused on all that has to be done. God really convicted me with the story of Mary and Martha. It never said that Martha was doing stuff that could have been put off til later, but that she was doing "all the preparations that had to be made." I struggled with that for a bit. Was she suppose to put off the stuff that had to be done, or was God saying that He had different tasks for both Mary and Martha in that moment and the task (i hate using the word task cause its not exactly what I mean, but I don't feel like trying to think of another) He had for Mary was that she listen. Or maybe He was convicting Martha that He is more important than what we think has to be done. That's more of the idea I think it is conveying. But yea, still hard to do. I might get to go down to MS over spring break and help. That would be wonderful. I signed up, but I guess I always am afraid of getting my hopes up until I know for sure that something is going to happen. Well, i suppose I should get back to studying.

Yea...I havn't posted in a long time. So long, that I havn't wanted to post cause I didn't even know where to begin. So...back in Clemson YAY! Its good to be back. I missed everyone here. Its weird though cause I'm so busy that I havn't felt like I've had to chance to reconnect with people. I'm taking 19 hours of classes and I just got a job as a health assistant under a professor working at english and spanish speaking clinics 10-15 hours a week. I'm excited and nervous. I'm afriad I won't have time to hang out with people between school and work and that would kill me. I have to have some sort of social connection or I'll die. I also had to choose to not fence this semester because I don't have the time. Sad, but not too bad. At least I still have Sunday Ultimate Frisbee and Monday night futbol. My classes are really interesting, but a lot of work. They're making me glad I chose the major I did. God has really been showing me my sin lately. Its hard to swallow, but a good thing. Hopefully He will continue to grow me over the semester. Just seeing how self-centered I am, how little I love the people around me, and how self-pitying and greedy I am is depressing. I need to remember his grace everyday, and remember that I can't change on my own, but instead trust that He will help me. He convicting me more about how my life is not my own and I need to live it in a way that glorifies Him and reflects Him to my peers even when sitting in my 8am class. So yea, that's a start. How about I leave it at that and we go from there eh? Sounds good =-)