Friday, January 21, 2005
I don't know what to do. It seems to be getting worse instead of better. A friend asked me how I was doing today. "I'm great, well except..." I just keep wondering if its worth it to keep trying. If it works out then it'd probably be worth it, but I have a feeling that it won't. But I think I'm more afraid of ending it then trying to stick it out. I'm afraid of losing his friendship in a way, afraid of what will happen with all are mutual friends, and afraid of what will happen to the friendships I built since. See, its easier to hang out with guy friends and get to know them if either I or they are taken. You can become close without worrying about it being taken the wrong way. If this does end, then I don't want to do anything else for a quite a long time. But even with that knowledge, my friendships probably won't be the same. So I guess I'm more afraid of the reprocussions of ending it, then the struggle and frustration of trying to stick it out. I'm hoping that if I stick it out then either it will work out or come to a mutual end. Who knows. I'm rambling and whining, but I need to get this out. Its just bothering me so much. I normally wouldn't talk about this, but since only two of you know the person, I feel alittle safer, but still not completely open. Bother. Or maybe the problem is with me. Did I change that much over break? Am I just not being understanding? Am I expecting too much?
Soccer was fun, but I was frustrated that the hospital thing didn't work out. At least I'll get to go next week. I sucked so bad in soccer today, it was terrible and embarrassing. One of those times when afterwards you just want to crawl into a hole and not move. I may as well have been a telephone pole for all the good I did.
I know, I'm complaining today and this is not a cheery post.
Last night I stayed up til 2:30 hanging out with friends. It was wonderful. Just chillin' in the dorm, kicking around a soccer ball and goofing off. That's the good things in life.
It was fun hanging out with Courtney tonight. Again getting the opportunity of one on one time which is always wonderful.
I seriously debated deleting this post. But this blog is here for me to release on, not for what others think, so I'm leaving it.
Soccer was fun, but I was frustrated that the hospital thing didn't work out. At least I'll get to go next week. I sucked so bad in soccer today, it was terrible and embarrassing. One of those times when afterwards you just want to crawl into a hole and not move. I may as well have been a telephone pole for all the good I did.
I know, I'm complaining today and this is not a cheery post.
Last night I stayed up til 2:30 hanging out with friends. It was wonderful. Just chillin' in the dorm, kicking around a soccer ball and goofing off. That's the good things in life.
It was fun hanging out with Courtney tonight. Again getting the opportunity of one on one time which is always wonderful.
I seriously debated deleting this post. But this blog is here for me to release on, not for what others think, so I'm leaving it.
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