Sunday, December 19, 2004
I thought it would get better when more people came home. I thought it was just all the extra time with nothing to do making everything seem...weird. Now I'm surrounded by people most of the day, but still feel lonely at times, it still feels...odd.
Maybe its because we have lived the last three months in separate places. We know cognitively a bit of what happened to eachother, but we can't quite grasp it. Every place we lived has been so different from the others, our experiences differ, we don't know the same people or anything. Now we come back and first want to talk about our lives at school. But somehow as much as we talk, we never feel understood or connected. So we finally attempt to merely pick up where we left off and ignore the last three months. But that is impossible. Over the last three months we've changed, grown. We're not the same people we were when we said good bye. Pretending like the last three months were a dream is like living under a mask, its hypocritical almost.
Maybe I just need to give it more time.
Am I the only one who feels torn between two worlds? I suspect that I'm not. Its like a limbo between two places that "saben" of eachothers existence but don't "conocen" eachother. Pardon me adding spanish, but there is no decent english equivalent that I could come up with in my limited vocabulary.
I do enjoy seeing you all again. Don't think that I don't. I think it'll just take me a few more days to adjust. Maybe I'm just tired. I always am more emotional and tend to exaggerate more when I'm tired.
Have you ever read The Three Musketeers? Have you ever noticed how used the women are? They seem to be tools most of the time. Not always. But most of the time. The men pretending to love the women often to get what they want (information, money, whatever). Its a good book though. Rachel, I'd recommend you read it, but I'm betting you already have =-)
Maybe its because we have lived the last three months in separate places. We know cognitively a bit of what happened to eachother, but we can't quite grasp it. Every place we lived has been so different from the others, our experiences differ, we don't know the same people or anything. Now we come back and first want to talk about our lives at school. But somehow as much as we talk, we never feel understood or connected. So we finally attempt to merely pick up where we left off and ignore the last three months. But that is impossible. Over the last three months we've changed, grown. We're not the same people we were when we said good bye. Pretending like the last three months were a dream is like living under a mask, its hypocritical almost.
Maybe I just need to give it more time.
Am I the only one who feels torn between two worlds? I suspect that I'm not. Its like a limbo between two places that "saben" of eachothers existence but don't "conocen" eachother. Pardon me adding spanish, but there is no decent english equivalent that I could come up with in my limited vocabulary.
I do enjoy seeing you all again. Don't think that I don't. I think it'll just take me a few more days to adjust. Maybe I'm just tired. I always am more emotional and tend to exaggerate more when I'm tired.
Have you ever read The Three Musketeers? Have you ever noticed how used the women are? They seem to be tools most of the time. Not always. But most of the time. The men pretending to love the women often to get what they want (information, money, whatever). Its a good book though. Rachel, I'd recommend you read it, but I'm betting you already have =-)
Monday, December 13, 2004
Okay, boredom has definitly set in. Most of my friends are still either at college or still in classes in high school. Going from crazy busy with stuff constantly going on to this state of semi-relaxation is killing me. *sigh*. Okay, boredom is better then exams, but I do miss my school friends and don't have any of my other friends back yet to take my mind off missing the others. Oh well, just a couple more days.
I visited my old high school today. It was weird cause nothing changed. It was weird cause it had changed. The teachers were basically all the same, still acting the same, still teaching in the same way. The students were all still wearing their uniforms and gripping about it. But the students themselves were different. Wait, why are they sitting in the senior eating area...oh yea..... But it was fun. Especially seeing them in their uniforms and not having to wear one. I'm so mean aren't I? Mrs. Goffin gave me some awesome Finnish bread she had made that morning at 5am for her English class. The English class was working on their Macbeth recitations: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time.... Oh the memories. Mrs. Williams spanish four class already had down the art of how to keep her from teaching and have fun. Mr. Meiners was excited about his son's engagment. Someone my age and someone a year younger then me engaged?? I'm happy for them! Mrs. Hagans students still shaking their heads swearing she's on crack. The electrogelphoresises running wrong. Mrs. Hagan excitedly giving the newest gossip and trying to confirm what she just heard. The students stressing over exams and new rules.
I went for a run today. It was so cold that my lungs hurt. But it was nice to get out and moving.
Well, I have too much energy, so i'm going to go find something to do.
I visited my old high school today. It was weird cause nothing changed. It was weird cause it had changed. The teachers were basically all the same, still acting the same, still teaching in the same way. The students were all still wearing their uniforms and gripping about it. But the students themselves were different. Wait, why are they sitting in the senior eating area...oh yea..... But it was fun. Especially seeing them in their uniforms and not having to wear one. I'm so mean aren't I? Mrs. Goffin gave me some awesome Finnish bread she had made that morning at 5am for her English class. The English class was working on their Macbeth recitations: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time.... Oh the memories. Mrs. Williams spanish four class already had down the art of how to keep her from teaching and have fun. Mr. Meiners was excited about his son's engagment. Someone my age and someone a year younger then me engaged?? I'm happy for them! Mrs. Hagans students still shaking their heads swearing she's on crack. The electrogelphoresises running wrong. Mrs. Hagan excitedly giving the newest gossip and trying to confirm what she just heard. The students stressing over exams and new rules.
I went for a run today. It was so cold that my lungs hurt. But it was nice to get out and moving.
Well, I have too much energy, so i'm going to go find something to do.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
The service today really hit me and what was said about relationships. I want to apologize to all my friends for not loving you all like you deserve. I replaced unity and humility with pride, self-centerness, and made agreeability the goal. I shunned you when we didn't seem "compatible". The line "the thing I like best about you is me" really hit me. I have a bad tendency to look for traits in people that are "like my own". I'm sorry for not respecting you as a person. I'm sorry for not serving you above myself. I'm sorry for letting my pride make me blind to your needs. You were there when I needed you, you stuck by me, and I took your friendship for granted. I pray that God will change my heart (as only He can). God, I'm messed up and lost. I don't even know where to begin. I have mistreated You as badly as I have my friends here. Forgive me for taking You and them for granted. Humble me. Show me my pride and sin, but don't leave me there. Change me, Lord. Thank you Lord for your patience and that you don't give up on me even though I mess up over and over again. Save me from myself and heal me.
