Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

I remember a bit of what I wanted to post on Friday night.

I love wondering around the outskirt, talking to the outsiders who watch the dancers. Like the dancers, their so different from one another. Some seem like they are longing to dance, some as though they are hiding their shock or a laugh, and some enjoy simply watching. For awhile I enjoyed sitting and watching, but eventually I danced: rigidly at first but as the music played I felt my body relax and move with the rhythm of the drums. Well....move to a rhythm, not quite sure if I was inm rhythm with the drums seeing I have no rhythm. There was another reason that I hadn't danced at first beyond the enjoyment of watching: I had no reason to. Everyone out there seemed to be dancing for a reason and I had none. But as I danced I felt more and more free to move without worry what the people around me thought. There was a reason, to be free from getting caught up in what others think. Sad that I can let a dance do that and not just always not worry about what others think. It was also interesting to dance alone, without a guy leading. Again, had a strange sense of freedom (althought I do love dancing with a partner still).

I finally got to see another side of her that I never knew existed. Amazing how I could have grown up with her, my sister, and never had a deep conversation. But as we walked with our tea and talked philosophy, I was welcomed by a depth of knowledge she had never expressed around me. Sister bonding time, a bit late. In three days I'm gone. But better late than never right?

What he said hit me, convicted me. I am amazed by the change in him and his faith, and I praise God for it. Being around him encouraged my faith and my walk, but convicted me on my lack of passion, my control over my life, and my relationships with others although he never meant to. He was just sharing how his summer went. There is so much going through my mind, so much that is so hard to put it into words without writing a book. Just pray that God will continue to draw me close to Him, help me to realize daily that "it is not I that lives, but Christ in me", realize that He is the most important thing and person in my life, realize that I'm here for a reason, and realize His love for me. He is amazing for never letting me go; He's amazing for loving me and keeping ahold of my heart. Pray that I'll have wisdom. He is good, He is in control and He is gracious.

You're love is extravagent
You're friendship, intimate
I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace
You're fragrance is intoxicating in this sacred place

Spread wide in the arms of Christ
Is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known
Than you considered me a friend
Capture my heart again.

Help me to realize the magnitude of you considering me a friend.

I should have posted last night. I had what I wanted to say all worked out in my mind...but I fell asleep as I feel I may do again while attempting to post. Now last night has been filed away in the already faded memory section of my brain along with the other soccer and downtown nights and adding to the randomness. Highlighters proclaimed the love of friends saying goodbye on car windshields and a random downtowner taught me more about the author of James and the Giant Peach than....

I was having a rough day; I knew it wasn't kind what I was doing but I never meant to hurt her. I didn't realize how personally she would take it. I forget that with her it's different. But tonight was good; I think she enjoyed herself. I enjoyed it despite being one of the youngest there. The music was good and I saw people I hadn't seen since the last shindig. Then again, I didn't even know half the people and it seemed meant for those older than me so I didn't stay long. Wandering the streets, I learned so much about her. For the first time I heard her heart and what she believed. We connected... and with less than a week to go and her starting a full time job Monday. Great timing, but I guess bad timing is better than never.

There will be time, there will be time
to prepare a face to meet the faces you will meet

Just 6 days. Can you believe it? I'm ready, but it seems like so little time when I think of all I need and all I want to do. So little, yet so much.

I have measure out my life with coffee spoons.


This first year went by so fast. The summer felt like it was creeping by, but looking back it feels like it all happened in a blink.

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened

I seem to be fixated with time and Eliot lately. Little redunant to say that, no?

To be honest I should tell you this post has been edited. There was more, but reading it again I thought it too .... Oh I don't know how to put it. Personal? Real? Private? to post for anyone to see. If curiosity gets the best of you, I don't mind talking about it one on one, but not here.

That play was good, not just musically but it was one that really made you think. Made me read the first seven chapters of Genesis at while at work and come up with a page of questions. I don't feel like retyping them all here, but if your curious lemme know and I'd be glad to discuss it. The work day went by quickly today which is nice. Tomorrow will be insane, but the knowledge of it being my last day will get me through it. I'm at hendersonville main tomorrow so come by and say hi or bring me chai or something. I probably won't have time to talk.... but just seeing any of you will make my day.

Summer's over, can you believe it? I can. I'm definitely going to miss the people here: coffee shop nights, contra dancing, soccer, and all that jazz, but I am so ready to be back. Ever feel ready to live your own life? Not have people continually telling you how you should live it or confirming "you're on a good track?" What if I want to break off that track, what if I want to grab life and live it? Will you still love me? Will I lose your respect? I'm sick of tracks, and I think I'm even more sick of hearing about the right one. Something inside me screams for freedom; screams muffled by reality. Am I being dumb and idealistic? I don't know.

One more week.

Drum circles, movie, soccer, ice cream, randomness, blackberry cobblers...yea...another good weekend.

The wedding was beautiful but surreal. I looked down the row at the faces of those near me and was hit with a sense of deja vu, until I realized it was not dejavou but a memory. A memory of one year ago: "I give you the class of 2004". I feel too young to be here...
Seeing them again was strange in a way, but good. They were like strangers who sparks hundreds of memories in my mind. I didn't keep up with any of them, so it was a lot of catching up but good to see them. Remember when we swore we'd stay close? So much for that.
I felt bad for dragging him there, he didnt' know anyone. But maybe it was good for him to see...

Boy was I snappish this weekend. I apologize to all of you who I came in contact with and was anything but kind towards you. I didn't even notice how I was acting, but when it was pointed out... all I can do is offer my apologizes without excuses.

I'm going to miss the college group. Dont' get me wrong, I can't wait to be back at DCF and in my family group and microgroup with my gals, but....

I'm getting use to the idea of moving now. I went with mom to look at houses. Enough said. =-)

Did you know: I was far more wide awake and cheery after being scared awake? It was a wonderful and cheerful Monday morning at work. Gosh I'm strange sometimes!

Long day at work, but not bad. Got to read a lot of Eliot and the customers were funny.

Some days I don't know when to shut up =-(

Had a realization today. Maybe I'll write about it later, for now I'm still...

Vague? Boring? Lacking emotion, depth, detail? Yea....I'm tired so deal with it =-P