Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

okay, I am going to kill my cat. I was almost done with my post, when he rolled over onto my keyboard and somehow deleted it. Sigh. Oh well. I don't feel like writing what I already wrote again. But in short, my dad and I had a good theological conversation/debate yesterday. I regret not asking him more questions like that sooner. The soccer game sucked. Not because we were creamed, but because I felt useless. It felt like no matter how hard I worked the other team easily got it around me like I was a two-year-old that they were taking it easy on. At first I put on a happy face at Sweet Heaven. I wanted to just enjoy being with friends. But I got sick of that fast (being fake is aweful). (okay now I'm finally caught up to where I was, *sigh*).
The night sky is awesome. The stars, the moon, the tops of the buildings cutting lines across it.
Beautiful.
Freezing.
I love wandering through the streets (have no clue where we are) watching the people, listening to passing music floating through the air, headlights passing, gazing in windows wondering who the person is whose light is the only one still one and what they are doing.
The bridge.
I love the Montford Av. bridge that goes over 240. The lights on the distant mountain, the cars flying by underneath. It is the coolest feeling just to look over. I don't know why but I had the strongest urge to jump. The only thing holding me back is that I would die. You say: duh ashley, of course you'd die, werent' you wanting to jump because of that? No, the urge to jump had no connection with wanting to die. Its more of...I don't know how to expain it, so I won't. But I really want to go back there sometime.
I love walking through down town Asheville at night. Yes, I know I've said that but I'm saying it again.

"The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question 'Whither?'"

"Ah, when to the heard of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?"
~Reluctance By Robert Frost

I love snow!!!!!

Walking down from Heather's mountain this morning was sooo beautiful!! It made me wish I lived on a mountain. And it was so peaceful. Everything was silent. Sigh. Than I had to go to school, BAH! Stupid school didn't cancel when snow was all over the ground (even though the roads were fine). Okay, I'm done whining.

I lost my keys this morning; and my purse. So....I had to get a ride to school today from our attacker yesterday, Lee. Thanks Lee for the ride, sorry about the last minuet notice. If any sees my keys can they tell me?? It sucks royally not being able to drive.

This is a great study hall period. Its such a waste of time.

Yesterday was awesome!!! Good times

I think the guest book is fixed!! *crosses fingers* computers hate me!

Hmm...it has been a few days since I last posted.

Okay, I want to just get one thing straight: just because I'm thinking, being quieter than normal, or do not have a big goofy grin on my face does not mean I am pissed. Half the time when people think I'm pissed, I am not mad at all. It's really annoying when people are like "Dang she's pissed" and I'm actually just calm for once. And for those of you reading this, no, I'm not pissed while writing this. I'm actually in a really good mood. 50 First Dates is a hilarious movie!!!! And Krysten: GGTUW!!! =-)

I was thinking the other day while I was riding. My horse was being a typical thoroughbred who had not been riden for 3 weeks and was now being ridden next to a buisy rode (for non-horse people that means he was being absolutely insane). As he bucked, reared, and attempted to gallop around the extremely muddy pasture, I thought wow God must really be with me right now 'cause I normally cannot ride him this well. As I drove home I realized how absolutely stupid that statement was. Duh, God is always with me, even when I'm hospitalized due to some a crazy incident, He is always there. But I only stop and say: "Wow God was with me" when the outcome is good. When things go alot worse than expected the last thing to cross my mind is God's presence, and the first is always: why? Have any of you seen the TV show Joan of Arcadia? Well, in the first episoide she was asking God alot of why questions and he finally said: "Notice that I'm not answering any of your why questions?" I ask why because I don't want to trust Him that the end purpose is good and that there is a purpose. It is so much easier to know the answer. Lately I have been asking Him alot of why God?
Stands up
Falls back down
Tries to stand again
Falls back down
"God why? Please just tell me why?"
Phone rings
Grandfather abusing Grandma again
"Why God?"
Phone rings again
Sister is sick
Second time in three weeks
Almost hospitalized again
"Why God?"
Its seems like I have been asking Him why far more than I have been seeking just to know Him and asking Him to help my unbelief. Its so hard to trust Him when everything seems to be so messed up, so wrong, so unfair. But than again I'm forgetting that if He was fair apart from Christ I would be dead. He gave me so much more than I deserve. He didn't just save me, He gave us sunsets.
I would ask "where are You?"
But I already know you're there
I would ask You to take away the pain
But I know there is a reason
Although is seems like madness
Someone once told me
You were crazy
Crazy to love someone like me
Crazy to care when I spit in Your face
I ask why and forget
You've already given me more
More than I could dream
See the sunset?
See the love?

For those of you youth group people who got Chip's e-mail, doesn't that book sound good? The part that caught my eye when I was reading it was:

"Much of what has passed for the Christian message has been nothing more than frothy God-talk--mindless, thoughtless, and in its exploitation of people, heartless."

It seems like most of the time I settle for just that, a nice message. I wake up, go to school, go through the day, the motions, it's all routine with some snatches of fun inbetween. It's like I try to put God in a box.

"This is who you are God. . . this is Your part of the day God . . . I'll talk to you later God I just have to run now or I'll be late."

I have snatches of time during the day where I'll talk to God or remember Him, but the rest of the day I generally live for myself. I go through the day taking every opportunity to enjoy it for myself. I'm not saying that that is bad, nor am I saying that I have to stop and pray every five minuets or add Praise God to the end of every sentence. But there is a difference between living a routine and truely living for God. Spending time with Him out of love instead of out of duty, take the time to just listen to Him (wow, it seems like I never take the time to listen to anyone anymore. I've gotten so self-absorbed. I just talk and talk without regard to other people. Definetly something I need to work on. Tell me if you catch me doing that). It's so easy just to put on the Christian face and say all the right Christian words and do the right Christian thing out of routine, pressure or for the respect of others. I also let the daily struggles get to me, the small stuff. I forget during the day to lean on Him and that I can trust Him. But during the day it sounds like more Christian fluff, in my heart I'm not truely believing that He can help me.

Thankfully, God is slowly begining to humble me. Quite a painful process. He is showing me where I fail (yea, I tend to be blind to my sin) and showing me how much I need Him and His grace. But these moments of reflection on God and moments of learning seem to be so short lived. It's like He speaks to my heart than a hour later I forget what He showed me. I am so messed up and in need of His grace.

I lose sight of His grace so easily. Once again I make it out to be some Christian fluff.

Lord, soften my heart and give me a desire for You that does not fade. I'm messed up Lord, please give me a real picture of Your grace. Help me to get to know You and see your grace in terms of who You really are and not just all this Christian froth. I need You.

Hey everyone!!!
For those of you ACA people who didn't go to gym night, you missed out. Some good times... =-) I saw people there that I didn't know go to ACA!! We never get to see the underclassmen anymore since they're on the opposite side of campus, how sad!

Seniors, it seems like we all have caught a nasty case of senioritis. Oh well. It's funny, Mrs. Hagan at first bugged us about it, now even she has given up hope in making us work our tails off again. =-)

Well...I have the parentals standing over me needing to computer, so I'm out. Have a wonderful wonderful night!

To my great dismay, my stupid computer that hates me very much is not letting me on the internet. The strange thing is, it is letting me IM. So...my sweet friend Krysten is posting this for me. Give her a big hug if you see her. I'm not going to post anything other than poetry though, so I hope you enjoy the poems.

"My soul is dark - Oh! quickly string
The harp I yet can brook to hear;
And let thy gentle fingers fling.
Its melting murmurs o'er mine ear.
That sound shall charm it forth again:
If in these eyes there lurk a tear,
'Twill flow, and cease to burn my brain.
But bid the strain be wild and deep,
Nor let thy notes of joy be first:
I tell thee, minstrel, I must weep,
Or else this heavy heart will burst,
For it hath been by sorrow nursed,
And ached in sleepless silence, long,
And now 'tis doomed to know the worst,
And break at once - or yield to song."

~Lord Byron "My Soul is Dark"

And so as not to leave you hanging, here is the second section of Hollow Men. (And Krysten, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.)

"Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the winds singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.
Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer-
No that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom."

~T. S. Elliot

That's it =-)

Everyone always seems to put very personal stuff on their blogs. Stuff that is deep, meaningful, and most of all close to their hearts. Through those blogs its possible to learn more about the person and who they really are and what is going through their head that they probably would never say outright. In a way, its inspiring to try to write ones like those. Ones that tell what I wouldn't dare to say or what really goes through my head or even just a deeper glimpse at who I really am.
But I can't.
I'm afraid
I have been hurt by close friends before, and I fear being hurt again. Blogs are too open, everyone can read them. I want only people who I know I can trust hearing what I really think and believe. I never use to be that way, never was cynical or not trusting, but I guess experiences leave there mark on people. But hopefully, with time, I'll learn to trust again. Maybe you'll be able to see that transformation on this blog. Miracles happen.

But for now, this is as deep of a blog as you will ever read from me.

"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us - if at all - not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men."

-T.S. Eliot "Hollow Men" I love the whole poem, but I only put the first part tonight for two reasons: 1. I don't feel like typing the whole thing. 2. I know people will not sit and read the whole thing. Since the whole thing is DEFINETLY worth reading, I'll put part of it up each night, or now and than, so people will end up reading the whole thing. It's such and awesome poem for those of you who haven't read it.

I got scholarships to College of Charleston!!! I'm soo happy!!

Great soccer game Friday!! I'll save the rest for the team blog.

Hmm...I've been pretty boring on the blog lately. I don't think I've posted much but poetry for awhile. But tonight I'm once again not going to post much cause I just don't feel like it, so there. =-)

I've been so sarcastic this year and pessimistic. It's weird. I wasn't like that before, I mean, I couldn't even be sarcastic if I wanted to and now I can't stop being sacastic. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. I think its bad mostly. Its definetly something I need to work on.

Its nice to type with bad grammar after writing all those stupid scholarship essays, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. It feels like I should go back and correct it.

Wow, I guess I am doing a long post. I'm in such a random mood tonight. Random is good. Randomness keeps things from being boring and makes life fun. Have you ever noticed that random people get along really well together because they can follow eachother?

Wow I'm rambling. I guess I'm finally living up to the name of my post. I really need to buy that shirt: Help I'm talking and I can't shut up!

Speaking of rambling, I always wonder why the heck anyone reads this (if indeed anyone does read it). I mean, come on, its random, boring, and generally my opinion on stuff. Well, there is some poetry which i guess is the highlight. But really, it seems like a waste of time. Kinda like that poor person I sent a 20K e-mail to when I was bored, lol.

Have you ever looked at who you are, than looked back on your life and noticed some things that shaped who you are now? Its really interesting and weird at the same time. I dunno, maybe its just me.

Okay, I do not understand you guys (as in not girls). I really needn't say more on that cause if I did, well, I'd be writing awhile, lol.

Well, I really should shut up and get some sleep. I'll leave you with a book quote today instead of poetry.

"Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and to himself. A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offense. It sometimes feels very good to take offense, doesn't it? And surely he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offense and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked on a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he knows all of that, and still he is the first to take offense, he likes feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and thus he reaches the point of real hostility . . ."
-Elder Zosima The Brothers Karamazov by: Fyodor Dostoevsky

Wow, I had the hardest time choosing a poem tonight. I like too many!! Dang it!! I bought a poetry book from 1934 today for $3!! I'm soo happy!! I was debating between Bryon, Poe and Eliot today.

"In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! What is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?"
-Edgar Allen Poe, A Dream

I love snow!! Its so beautiful!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, I feel random tonight.
I've been thinking alot lately. That can be a scary thing. But I've actually had time to think. It's amazing what you realize when you take the time to run everything that's going through your life through your mind. Uh oh, parents are yelling, gotta go. I hate ending posts with out finishing thought!!

I got to ride my horse KO today!! It made me so happy. He was in frisky prancey mode cause with all the nasty weather its been weeks since i've ridden him. Not to mention the weather was pretty nice today.

My school is so insane, we listened to one teacher rant about how bad the school is right now and how the teachers are going to revolt for a hour and a half. She also told us to "go hang a goose on a telephone wire." Hm...I think she's truely gone nuts this time.

It kinda scary thinking about college next year. Some sophmore said something about the seniors today and I had to stop and let it sink in that yes I am a senior. Its freaky thinking about moving on to the next stage of life, the unknown. Going to a place where I know no one to study for a career that I have not decided on. It will be a good change in some ways, but wow, it'll definetly be a shock. I think I might feel better if I know where I was going, but its so darn hard to decide. I mean, I have no clue where i want to go, what I want to do, or anything. It's like being lost but when you stop for directions you don't even know where to ask for the directions too. And this is when I'm reminded that I have to rely on God. It so hard though; I don't like to not be in control of things. Stepping back and just trusting God on all these important desicions is so hard, but it is so soothing. God knows what's best for me much better than I ever can. All I can say is "Help my unbelief cause there is no way I can trust you on my own."

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
THat kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea,
Yet never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."
-Emily Dickinson

Yes, I know I've been quoting Dickinson alot. No, she is not my favorite poet but her stuff can be fun to read.

I feel like half my life is spent sitting in traffic jams. I can never get away from them!!! Right now the state has for some reason decided to not only work on every road by my house leading to the highway, but also the highway by my house. So by the time I had sat in traffic on the way to school, on the way home, and on the way to AB Tech, I was annoyed. Right when I thought I could handel no more, God intervened. (He has a funny way of doing that right when we reach the end of ourselves). It was kinda like He was knocking me over the head and saying...Ashley, you can be spending this time talking me.... I spend most of my day going about doing whatever I want and think of God only when it's convenient. I forget that I need Him every moment and a relationship means spending time with Him. Lately I've really been putting Him on the back burning and putting everything else in my life before Him. I found three things in my life that are "my rings" as I call them. Because while I was driving, God convicted me of these three big idols in my life. "Oh, thank you God for showing me this, now I can get it all out of my life, this should be easy...." "Wait....I don't want to let these things go..." Part of me was scared, scared of letting go of things I have held onto for so long. They were "precious to me" and I felt like Gollum. Yet something tells me that God would not have shown me this problem if He was going to leave me to struggle with it on my own. It seems like each day He is showing me more how messed up I am and how much I need Him (which is a good thing because I am so proud and think I can do everything on my own).

"Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend.
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
DIvorce me, untie or break that know again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."
John Donne "Holy Sonnet 14"

"Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Required sorest need.

Not one of all the purple host
Who took the flag to-day
Can tell the definition,
So clear, of victory.

As he, defeated, dying,
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Break, agonized and clear."
-Emily Dickinson

Wow...I'm tired...I don't think I slept at all last night. Hm...maybe I should go sleep now. Naw, I'll go read =-)

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you Nobody too?
Then there's a pair of us?
Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!

How dreary to be Somebody!
How pulic, like a Frog
To tell one's name, the livelong June
To an admiring Bog!"
-Emily Dickinson (260)

Wow, did anyone see the sky tonight?? It was beautiful! Clear night with stars and snowing. Speaking of snow, it was fun driving in the snow with Adam and Trey. It brought back so many old memories and made some new ones.

I pulled out the Dickinson quote cause I was thinking about who I am today. Its weird to look back and see how you've changed in the last year...two...three.... but it can be good. "Know thyself". Its good to assess what you have become. Its good to find blarring character flaws and challenge yourself to change them. But the best thing that comes from it is realizing how broken I am and how much I need God. It helps me refocus on the goal of becoming more like Christ, but also realizing how much I fall short and how much I'm in the need of Grace daily. I forget that so often. "Cheer up, you're worse than you think...........but God's love is greater than you could ever imagine." I'm messed up God, help me! /

"Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question . . .
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit."
T.S. Eliot "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

It was fun walking around down-town Asheville last night. I love walking in the city at night: watching the people, looking at the buildings and the sky. Its fun to gaze up at the tall apartments looming against the sky and wonder who is the person whose light is the only one still on in their building, what the are like and what they doing. The fog added an interesting touch to the whole scene, especially on church street. The old churches were wrapped by the fog giving them an air of beauty, mystery and age. I did miss the stars though, I would have liked to been able to stare up at them as we walked.

We won our soccer game!!! It was a fun game. For those who met at Wendy's before, we had a good warm up in the parking lot of Hollywood with a cop watching us like a hawk to make sure we weren't some misfit deliquents who were high and drunk. Well... I can't quite blame him. Four teens playing guitars in the back of a pick-up in a parking lot at night is a bit odd. But its fun.

Heather, what is a highway? =-) We soo need to play "special" volleyball sometime!! Guys, you broke the ransom demands. Retaliation will come; beware. The ISA will strike!! Well, I'm going to go do something random.

" 'My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak
'What are you thinking of? What thing? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

'I think we are in rats' alley
Where the dead men lost their bones.'

'What is that noise?'

'The wind under the door.'

'What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?'

'Nothing again nothing.'

'Do you know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remeber nothing?'

'I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.

'Are you alive or not? Is there nothing in your head?'

'But
O O O O that Shakespeherian Rag
It's so elegant
So intelligent

'What shall I do now? What shall I do?'

'I shall rush out as I am, and walk the street
With my hair down, so. What shall we do tomorrow?
What shall we ever do?'

'The hot water at ten.
And if it rains, a closed car at four.
And we shall play a game of chess,
Pressing lidless eyes and waiting for a knock upon the door.'"
~T.S. Eliot "The Waste Land"

I passed my senior project and got into Chapel Hill!! I'm happy! No, that does not mean I'm going to go to Chapel Hill. Hey Britt, like the poster ;-)
Evil boys putting that hideous THING on Heathers car, ugh! Whose go the pig now, and oh yea, Heather can sooo kick your butt!!

How many schemes may die
In one short Afternoon
Entirely unknown
To those they most concern—
-Emily Dickinson

What a fun afternoon! Chillin' with friends. Happy Birthday Adam!!!

I really don't think much can be more beautiful than a clear night sky. Sunsets, sunrise, and the night sky are the crown of creation. The pale, flickering stars forming designs on the dark sky and the brillance of the moon in the darkness. I love how you can see the craters when you look hard enough. Some nights there are rings around the moon. I love the sky. When I worked at the Cove, I would look up at the night sky as I walked back to my cabin. The tree branches created mesmorizing (spelling?) patterns on it. Than, course, I would trip over the tree root and fall flat on my face, but that never stopped me from looking up again.
Wow that was random. I think I'm going to go outside now.

Wow, what a great superbowl!!! Patriots kicked butt and I won a ton of bets. You boys will look so pretty in skirts. We're thinking pink or pale purple for the eye shadow =-) And the two of you that have to ride, we're in the process of choosing the day. For those of you who missed the Grace superbowl party, ultimate frisbee was a blast. It was the game that never ended though!!! And the party....let's just say we all got into it. What could bring a better end to the weekend than my second period teacher not showing up, being let out of school early, and no AB Tech class. It all made up for it being a Monday. Ooh, and I made brownies, yum. All in all, it's been a great weekend and a good day.