Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Beautiful. The sky was perfectly clear, the lamp posts weren't working so I could see the stars, and the air was crisp. Some nights the walk home from fencing is the best part of the day.
I learned the coolest new move in fencing today!! It'll take alot of work, but heck yea!! I'm bruised like none other right now. I only fenced Pete and John all practice. Ouch, but fun.
It seems like I'm going through my day backwards as I think about it.
Shannon took me to get some pants for the funeral (I don't have any black pants that would look nice at a funeral). It was weird being off campus with a one year old and a four year old, cute kids though. It made me realize how fast time flies. The imagination of the little boy was amazing! He thought up things most script writters would labor over to think up. What happens to imagination? When do we lose it? I mean, I still have a strong imagination, but nothing like a little kid. If you think you have a big imagination, spend a day with a four year old. Why do we lose it? Does it happen naturally or do we some how consciously lose it? Or do we lose it from lack of use? The carefree, imaginitive nature of a little child.
Speaking of a little child...I close my eyes and I'm back in the woods of my back yard. Heather and I are walking through it like a jungle holding our weapons (sticks). We're brave adventurers. Where does time go? I'm learning to enjoy every minute. Things that I think are boring, I'm not wishing to end so quickly and I'm looking for the good in them.
Sleep calls. I still have so much on my mind!! How frustrating. SLEEP....
I learned the coolest new move in fencing today!! It'll take alot of work, but heck yea!! I'm bruised like none other right now. I only fenced Pete and John all practice. Ouch, but fun.
It seems like I'm going through my day backwards as I think about it.
Shannon took me to get some pants for the funeral (I don't have any black pants that would look nice at a funeral). It was weird being off campus with a one year old and a four year old, cute kids though. It made me realize how fast time flies. The imagination of the little boy was amazing! He thought up things most script writters would labor over to think up. What happens to imagination? When do we lose it? I mean, I still have a strong imagination, but nothing like a little kid. If you think you have a big imagination, spend a day with a four year old. Why do we lose it? Does it happen naturally or do we some how consciously lose it? Or do we lose it from lack of use? The carefree, imaginitive nature of a little child.
Speaking of a little child...I close my eyes and I'm back in the woods of my back yard. Heather and I are walking through it like a jungle holding our weapons (sticks). We're brave adventurers. Where does time go? I'm learning to enjoy every minute. Things that I think are boring, I'm not wishing to end so quickly and I'm looking for the good in them.
Sleep calls. I still have so much on my mind!! How frustrating. SLEEP....
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Surprising how pain and joy can be so intertwined and wrapped into one that they become inseparable.
I really feel at home here. Not so much that the place itself is homey (to an extent it is), but its the people. We're there for each other when life goes wrong. The types of relationships we strove for in the youth group is here. I never imagined that could happen in so short a period of time. People who I'm excited to see how their doing and am willing to lose sleep and miss out on things to help and they do the same for me. When people who I barely know are supportive through the hard times and I'm more then willing to do the same for those I don't know. This is within the church I go to. Its a community of people who know they are fallen and in need of grace, and are supporting eachother as they grow. Its so encouraging. In the good times, we enjoy just being together.
I fly up to New Hampshire next weekend for my Grandmother's memorial service. It happened so fast its almost unreal. I don't want to think about it. That's the way I deal with things. I'm fine until I have to deal with it.
Its a beautiful day today. I went for a walk just for the joy of it. It's one of those days with a cold breeze but warm sunshine and all the leaves still changing. One of those days with a calm sense of joy and wonder in the air. Everything seem at peace and yet in such turmoil. Everything so full of life. The peaceful beauty of the sunlight on the trees. The wind pulling the leaves, tossing some madly about, twirling others in a graceful dance. Some leaves chased eachother across the ground as in a game of tag while others were trampled. Some leaves were content to stay secured to the branch, blowing back and forth, but never knowing the joy of free flying, relaxed in the control of the wind wherever it might blow. To dance in the wind, trusting completely, letting things happen as they may.
I was going to stop my post here, but I thought of something else. I love looking for the simple beauty in things. Look at the trees while walking to class, or the sky, or the squirrels running about. There is so much beauty in what we come to know of as the mundane. To look at everything anew each day is awesome. Take joy in the simple things. Run my hands across the bushes as I pass just to soak up how the leaves feel against my skin. Soak up every moment in life and enjoy it. That's something I've been doing more since I've been here. I've been so much more at peace since I started doing that and it makes life so much more enjoyable. You can either look at a day as something you have to get through, just get through the test, just get to the weekend. Or you can capture every moment and look for the good in it. That was my motto on my shield my senior year of high school: live every moment and live it for the Lord. Except it was in Latin so it sounded cooler.
One of the guys was in my dorm the other night studying for a test. We got talking about the cold weather.
"I want to get all the ingredients to make pumpkin spice bread when I go home so I can cook it in the study room. That way a group of us can all sit inside, eat baked bread, and drink tea or cider on a cold rainy day."
"Now why would you want to do that?"
"It'd be so homey."
"But this isn't home. We're suppose to be just scrapping by. We're in college, it isn't suppose to be good or homey."
I laughed.
"Who says it has to be bad? We can enjoy our moments. And anyway, this is our home now. We may as well make this homey."
Weird, it is like home. I miss my family, but I don't' want to go home. Home just isn't the same. I feel so out of place, even at Grace. I hate that feeling. I wish that there was a way that I could see people without that feeling. I loved walking into my house and the feeling of home. The sights and smells. But staying there for longer then one day just gets weird and I find myself wanting to come....home. I find myself missing Clemson.
I shall leave you now with a quote from one of my friends here:
"...This world knows no mercy, this life gives only pain. To live is to kill who I am, to die is to give life to my soul"
-Chris Mart
I really feel at home here. Not so much that the place itself is homey (to an extent it is), but its the people. We're there for each other when life goes wrong. The types of relationships we strove for in the youth group is here. I never imagined that could happen in so short a period of time. People who I'm excited to see how their doing and am willing to lose sleep and miss out on things to help and they do the same for me. When people who I barely know are supportive through the hard times and I'm more then willing to do the same for those I don't know. This is within the church I go to. Its a community of people who know they are fallen and in need of grace, and are supporting eachother as they grow. Its so encouraging. In the good times, we enjoy just being together.
I fly up to New Hampshire next weekend for my Grandmother's memorial service. It happened so fast its almost unreal. I don't want to think about it. That's the way I deal with things. I'm fine until I have to deal with it.
Its a beautiful day today. I went for a walk just for the joy of it. It's one of those days with a cold breeze but warm sunshine and all the leaves still changing. One of those days with a calm sense of joy and wonder in the air. Everything seem at peace and yet in such turmoil. Everything so full of life. The peaceful beauty of the sunlight on the trees. The wind pulling the leaves, tossing some madly about, twirling others in a graceful dance. Some leaves chased eachother across the ground as in a game of tag while others were trampled. Some leaves were content to stay secured to the branch, blowing back and forth, but never knowing the joy of free flying, relaxed in the control of the wind wherever it might blow. To dance in the wind, trusting completely, letting things happen as they may.
I was going to stop my post here, but I thought of something else. I love looking for the simple beauty in things. Look at the trees while walking to class, or the sky, or the squirrels running about. There is so much beauty in what we come to know of as the mundane. To look at everything anew each day is awesome. Take joy in the simple things. Run my hands across the bushes as I pass just to soak up how the leaves feel against my skin. Soak up every moment in life and enjoy it. That's something I've been doing more since I've been here. I've been so much more at peace since I started doing that and it makes life so much more enjoyable. You can either look at a day as something you have to get through, just get through the test, just get to the weekend. Or you can capture every moment and look for the good in it. That was my motto on my shield my senior year of high school: live every moment and live it for the Lord. Except it was in Latin so it sounded cooler.
One of the guys was in my dorm the other night studying for a test. We got talking about the cold weather.
"I want to get all the ingredients to make pumpkin spice bread when I go home so I can cook it in the study room. That way a group of us can all sit inside, eat baked bread, and drink tea or cider on a cold rainy day."
"Now why would you want to do that?"
"It'd be so homey."
"But this isn't home. We're suppose to be just scrapping by. We're in college, it isn't suppose to be good or homey."
I laughed.
"Who says it has to be bad? We can enjoy our moments. And anyway, this is our home now. We may as well make this homey."
Weird, it is like home. I miss my family, but I don't' want to go home. Home just isn't the same. I feel so out of place, even at Grace. I hate that feeling. I wish that there was a way that I could see people without that feeling. I loved walking into my house and the feeling of home. The sights and smells. But staying there for longer then one day just gets weird and I find myself wanting to come....home. I find myself missing Clemson.
I shall leave you now with a quote from one of my friends here:
"...This world knows no mercy, this life gives only pain. To live is to kill who I am, to die is to give life to my soul"
-Chris Mart
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
I guess I should post about the fencing tournament. It went really well. I got to see Rachel!!!!!! It was good to see her, but I only got to see part of one of her bouts, but she looked like she was doing really well. In my first pool I went 3-3 (the three I won I 5-0 the girls, and I should have won one of the ones I lost, but I made a dumb mistake....yea... need to work on those disengages...). It was weird getting use to the new timings and actually fencing electric since I never get to do that in practice and we never practiced the new timings. I went 2-3 in my second pool (despite getting three yellow cards that really made me frustrated). I won my first DE 15-4, but lost my second 15-7 to an A rated fencer (A is the highest rating you can get). I was quite proud of myself for scoring 7 touches on her. In the end I placed 29th out of 63.
Clemson got a medal for women's foil and could have gotten one for men's epee. Mitchell was in first after the pools, but our poor guys were so tired from getting no sleep the last few nights (we had to drive our own vans instead of getting a bus so sleeping was impossible, and there was a fire alarm incident that lasted awhile Saturday night). Also, Mitchell never does as well if he does into DEs ranked high (from what I hear). But that's okay. Overall I think we did really well for being one of only two clubs that went.
Well, I won't bore you with details. I remember how annoyed you all use to get when I talked about horse stuff so I'll show you the curtesy of not giving a play by play.
Clemson got a medal for women's foil and could have gotten one for men's epee. Mitchell was in first after the pools, but our poor guys were so tired from getting no sleep the last few nights (we had to drive our own vans instead of getting a bus so sleeping was impossible, and there was a fire alarm incident that lasted awhile Saturday night). Also, Mitchell never does as well if he does into DEs ranked high (from what I hear). But that's okay. Overall I think we did really well for being one of only two clubs that went.
Well, I won't bore you with details. I remember how annoyed you all use to get when I talked about horse stuff so I'll show you the curtesy of not giving a play by play.
Guess what?? I found a kitten!!! I was walking to Fike with Chris and there was a tiny kitten shivering. So I did what any girl would do, picked it up.
Chris: You're not keeping it, you c an't.
me: But it's so cute! Oh!! Look, its shivering.
Chris: You live in a dorm.
me: It's mother is gone and it's shivering!!
End result: The kitten in now living in my laundry basket in my dorm. The guys across the hall from me love it. They have been living in my dorm all afternoon playing with it and holding it. It's a tiny, black ball of fluff. Its soo lovable. It wants to be held and petted constantly. Its getting more adventurous now and is constantly meowing or purring. Yes, I know I can't keep it. So I'm bringing it to house church tonight to try to find it a good home. I hate parting the kitten and the guys though. They love it sooo much and the kitten loves them. The poor guys really wish they could keep it.
Chris: You're not keeping it, you c an't.
me: But it's so cute! Oh!! Look, its shivering.
Chris: You live in a dorm.
me: It's mother is gone and it's shivering!!
End result: The kitten in now living in my laundry basket in my dorm. The guys across the hall from me love it. They have been living in my dorm all afternoon playing with it and holding it. It's a tiny, black ball of fluff. Its soo lovable. It wants to be held and petted constantly. Its getting more adventurous now and is constantly meowing or purring. Yes, I know I can't keep it. So I'm bringing it to house church tonight to try to find it a good home. I hate parting the kitten and the guys though. They love it sooo much and the kitten loves them. The poor guys really wish they could keep it.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Yea...I'll tell you about the absolutely awesome fencing tournament sometime, but not right now. Right now I have other things on my mind.
It was reading Bill's blog that got me thinking initially, then it went from there. People trying to give quick fix answers to tough questions along with the Jeremaih 6:14 verse (if you don't know that verse I'd recommend looking it up. I hadn't ever heard it before). It reminded me of Michael and I's conversation on the van ride back from PA. I was trying to keep him awake, and asked him about his philosophy class (I love asking people about their philosophy classes and can't wait to take one myself). At one point in the conversation (while discussing existentialism and nihilism), I asked him for his opinion on a particular point that did not really have anything to do with accepting one main philosophy. "Both points actually work logically, it just depends on how you look at it." This reminded me alot of my biology class. The professor is always saying that it muts be evolution because look at how well this trait has adapted to help the organism survive and therefore evolution must explain the origin of the earth. And to that I respond similar to Michael. True, when you look at a trait that helps an organism to survive you can easily see that as evolution. But another way to look at it is why would a loving, intelligent, omniscient creator create organism that did not have the ability to adapt and survive. Do they think that he would just create an earth and let it die out completely after about a thousand years and say "ooops" and start again? I find it so fascinating to sit in class and see what the professor is saying but from a different perspective. I thought I would come to college and be confronted with far more then I could reconcil. Although there are some things I've had to struggle through, I am amazed at how much the creation/Christian world view actually makes sense. I guess I've been living in a bubble for too long. One thing I have found that I love to do is to ask people what they think or believe and simply sit and listen. At the begining of the semester I would jump in, and get into so many debates on everything. But now I'm finding how fascinating it is to hear someone else's perspective (as I did for about an hour or two on the way back from Temple). Its so interesting to hear what people believe and why they believe it and what holes they see in their own beliefs and what repulses them about Christianity. One guy I talked to wrote a whole paper on why Christianity is, oh I forget what it's called. In existentialism, there is no meaning to life, you have to create the meaning. The worst thing you can do is to let someone else define your life for you, and they would say that Christianity does this the most and is therefore the worst. Later on in the trip, I asked him what he believed. "I don't know". My first reaction was to think, that must be an aweful feeling to not know what you believe. But then I thought about it some more. I believe in God, but making that belief more certain will take a lifetime. I believe, but strengthening that takes a life time. Finding out everything I believe about God and truth cannot be decided in a day. If it is, then I probably either don't understand what I'm talking about or just latched onto the first thing I heard. Finding truth is a search and takes effort. It takes wrestling with what you believe over and over. Its amazing how here at Clemson there are so many people who "say" they are Christians and don't live by it, are hyper conservatives, and those who are so utterly repulsed be the first two groups. Having met some people, I can see why other hate Christianity so much. Seeing myself somedays, I can see why others hate Christianity so much. Its so hard to know what to do. I am realizing the truth of the saying "preach the gospel always, and when necessary use words." It is so much better to live genuinely and only talk about God when asked. I'm not saying that this is the way to do it on every campus, but here the people are so sick of being beaten over the head with the "God thing". One girl I talked to said she was actually followed by a guy with a bible who was trying to witness to her and she was trying to run away! God, guide me in what to do. Please live through me. Help me not to write off the tough questions with the easy cheesy answers, but help me to struggle with them. Take away my arrogance and teach me to be humble and listen.
"They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.
'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace."
Jeremiah 6:14
It was reading Bill's blog that got me thinking initially, then it went from there. People trying to give quick fix answers to tough questions along with the Jeremaih 6:14 verse (if you don't know that verse I'd recommend looking it up. I hadn't ever heard it before). It reminded me of Michael and I's conversation on the van ride back from PA. I was trying to keep him awake, and asked him about his philosophy class (I love asking people about their philosophy classes and can't wait to take one myself). At one point in the conversation (while discussing existentialism and nihilism), I asked him for his opinion on a particular point that did not really have anything to do with accepting one main philosophy. "Both points actually work logically, it just depends on how you look at it." This reminded me alot of my biology class. The professor is always saying that it muts be evolution because look at how well this trait has adapted to help the organism survive and therefore evolution must explain the origin of the earth. And to that I respond similar to Michael. True, when you look at a trait that helps an organism to survive you can easily see that as evolution. But another way to look at it is why would a loving, intelligent, omniscient creator create organism that did not have the ability to adapt and survive. Do they think that he would just create an earth and let it die out completely after about a thousand years and say "ooops" and start again? I find it so fascinating to sit in class and see what the professor is saying but from a different perspective. I thought I would come to college and be confronted with far more then I could reconcil. Although there are some things I've had to struggle through, I am amazed at how much the creation/Christian world view actually makes sense. I guess I've been living in a bubble for too long. One thing I have found that I love to do is to ask people what they think or believe and simply sit and listen. At the begining of the semester I would jump in, and get into so many debates on everything. But now I'm finding how fascinating it is to hear someone else's perspective (as I did for about an hour or two on the way back from Temple). Its so interesting to hear what people believe and why they believe it and what holes they see in their own beliefs and what repulses them about Christianity. One guy I talked to wrote a whole paper on why Christianity is, oh I forget what it's called. In existentialism, there is no meaning to life, you have to create the meaning. The worst thing you can do is to let someone else define your life for you, and they would say that Christianity does this the most and is therefore the worst. Later on in the trip, I asked him what he believed. "I don't know". My first reaction was to think, that must be an aweful feeling to not know what you believe. But then I thought about it some more. I believe in God, but making that belief more certain will take a lifetime. I believe, but strengthening that takes a life time. Finding out everything I believe about God and truth cannot be decided in a day. If it is, then I probably either don't understand what I'm talking about or just latched onto the first thing I heard. Finding truth is a search and takes effort. It takes wrestling with what you believe over and over. Its amazing how here at Clemson there are so many people who "say" they are Christians and don't live by it, are hyper conservatives, and those who are so utterly repulsed be the first two groups. Having met some people, I can see why other hate Christianity so much. Seeing myself somedays, I can see why others hate Christianity so much. Its so hard to know what to do. I am realizing the truth of the saying "preach the gospel always, and when necessary use words." It is so much better to live genuinely and only talk about God when asked. I'm not saying that this is the way to do it on every campus, but here the people are so sick of being beaten over the head with the "God thing". One girl I talked to said she was actually followed by a guy with a bible who was trying to witness to her and she was trying to run away! God, guide me in what to do. Please live through me. Help me not to write off the tough questions with the easy cheesy answers, but help me to struggle with them. Take away my arrogance and teach me to be humble and listen.
"They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.
'Peace, peace,' they say, when there is no peace."
Jeremiah 6:14
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Fall break has been great!! I love the peace and quiet across the mostly empty campus. Everyone on my half of the dorm went home for break too. This morning I soaked in the peacefulness of the campus as I walked to Redfern. Shivering in the misting rain, I decided to not take people's word on the weather over IM because sarcasm can easily be mistaken. But Daniel was right, it was a beautiful day. The completely gray sky seemed to only accent the beauty in the slowly changing leaves. The rain had shaken the leaves in such a way that they seemed to make a colorful walkway leaving the grass on the sides untouched. The air was warm, but the misting rain added a cool feel (cold to a person in a sleevless shirt). It actually reminded me walking out to the bridge to see the sunrise yesterday morning. The air was cold, and we were all bundled up in sweatshirts and blankets. The fog wrapped itself thickly on everything it touch making an ethereal world. Most people would have been disappointed because the fog hid the sunrise (and afterall, we did walk out to the bridge at 6:30 in the morning to see it), but I thought the beauty of the fog over the lake make up for it. Rocks skipping across the peaceful water, across the reflections of five college students. Peacefullness. Something I havn't experienced often here. How could I among 17,000 students? I think I'll make staying at Clemson over the break a yearly tradition.
