Monday, August 14, 2006
It makes me so angry that the one place that should be a safe haven is the one place people tend to feel the most judged: the church. It should be where we can be the most open, be ourselves the most and have people accept us. Instead its full of judgement and fakeness. Yea, I know, I'm on both sides: the judge and the judged. I've heard it said that the church is just as broken as the number of people in it. Its not going to work right, but I wish so badly it would. I wish I would not judge people and that I could love. I wish I could go there and to other Christians and feel accepted for who I am. Why is it that I find it so much easier to be myself and open around non Christians. Christians scare me sometimes. It shouldn't be this way! Now there are times when I feel I can be real around Christians and I feel accepted by the church, but I wish it wasn't just in patches that I felt that way.
Once I danced to a song (back when I did ballet):
I have a broken heart, and I don't know what to do...
...but if you could use the pieces then I won't throw them away...
Nothing like a friend's rebuke to reveal your brokenness. Admist some harsh words and misunderstandings, there was truth. I hurt for hurting her that badly. I just wish she had told me sooner, that we had been able to work on it along the way instead of waiting until a year later when it all had built up into a gaping wound for the both of us. I just hope that I can learn from my mistakes and not hurt others like her. I already knew that I had some broken relationships and was planning on working on them when I returned to Clemson, but she spoke before I got the chance. It may be better that way, that way I know things I didnt' realize. I still feel terrible for making a friend hurt though. I was scared about going back, scared about rebuilding the friendships. I don't know how to describe why. But I was scared. Just after the trip to NY, I was excited, eager to go back because I felt like I got a good start on rebuilding those. But this incident made me afraid again. Am I going to just mess up these relationships again? I know I shouldn't think that way. I'm starting to calm down again and not think that way and be optimistic again. I just keep praying for God to help me. I also keep looking at what she said to change for the better. We'll see.
I really am excited about renewing those relationships though. I want so badly to know them better. Maybe that's why I'm scared. I want to know them so badly that I'm afraid of failing or being shunned. Stupid huh? Things work out or they don't.
It may all sound negative, I guess that's when I tend to write more. It helps me straighten out my thoughts. But a lot of good stuff is going on. The trip to NY was so fun and I got to know Jared and Kalin a lot better and Amanda as well to some extent. I got to hang out with English too. She's a lot of fun and we're a lot a like. He and I have worked through some stuff too. Made some changes that I think will help and that needed to be made. I'm soo excited about going back to Clemson and seeing everyone. I wish I could leave tonight, but it'll be good to spend some time with my family. When I get busy, I tend to neglect them and I shouldn't. Hopefully I'll get to rest and see a few friends one last time before I head off again.
Ever have simple things happen that just make you smile on the inside? Walking in the door after being gone a week and seeing the flowers I had bought were still alive, cantering the horse...simple things.
I've decided, again. Actually, I'm pretty positive I've posted about this before. But I think you can be happy and sad, have a good day and a bad day, at the same time. Like, today was a good day. I really enjoyed it. But I had something troubling and sad on my mind. I was happy and enjoying the day, but also thinking about that other thing at the same time. Sounda paradoxical, but it happens.
Once I danced to a song (back when I did ballet):
I have a broken heart, and I don't know what to do...
...but if you could use the pieces then I won't throw them away...
Nothing like a friend's rebuke to reveal your brokenness. Admist some harsh words and misunderstandings, there was truth. I hurt for hurting her that badly. I just wish she had told me sooner, that we had been able to work on it along the way instead of waiting until a year later when it all had built up into a gaping wound for the both of us. I just hope that I can learn from my mistakes and not hurt others like her. I already knew that I had some broken relationships and was planning on working on them when I returned to Clemson, but she spoke before I got the chance. It may be better that way, that way I know things I didnt' realize. I still feel terrible for making a friend hurt though. I was scared about going back, scared about rebuilding the friendships. I don't know how to describe why. But I was scared. Just after the trip to NY, I was excited, eager to go back because I felt like I got a good start on rebuilding those. But this incident made me afraid again. Am I going to just mess up these relationships again? I know I shouldn't think that way. I'm starting to calm down again and not think that way and be optimistic again. I just keep praying for God to help me. I also keep looking at what she said to change for the better. We'll see.
I really am excited about renewing those relationships though. I want so badly to know them better. Maybe that's why I'm scared. I want to know them so badly that I'm afraid of failing or being shunned. Stupid huh? Things work out or they don't.
It may all sound negative, I guess that's when I tend to write more. It helps me straighten out my thoughts. But a lot of good stuff is going on. The trip to NY was so fun and I got to know Jared and Kalin a lot better and Amanda as well to some extent. I got to hang out with English too. She's a lot of fun and we're a lot a like. He and I have worked through some stuff too. Made some changes that I think will help and that needed to be made. I'm soo excited about going back to Clemson and seeing everyone. I wish I could leave tonight, but it'll be good to spend some time with my family. When I get busy, I tend to neglect them and I shouldn't. Hopefully I'll get to rest and see a few friends one last time before I head off again.
Ever have simple things happen that just make you smile on the inside? Walking in the door after being gone a week and seeing the flowers I had bought were still alive, cantering the horse...simple things.
I've decided, again. Actually, I'm pretty positive I've posted about this before. But I think you can be happy and sad, have a good day and a bad day, at the same time. Like, today was a good day. I really enjoyed it. But I had something troubling and sad on my mind. I was happy and enjoying the day, but also thinking about that other thing at the same time. Sounda paradoxical, but it happens.
