Monday, February 27, 2006
Mondays just always seem to feel long. The mono is on the decline though. Although I still feel tired and drained easily, I don't have to nap and I can get around and function fine. So, its much better.
Funny, I understand him teaching me physics so much better than the professor...
He got me thinking, are there people who never open up to anyone on a deeper level? Are there those content to keep all relationships simply on a surface level? How open should people be with others? I tend to pretend to be open. Flood people with some information so it seems like I'm completely open, but keep some stuff to myself. I dunno why. I don't think its possible to be completely open unless you completely know yourself. Then, being completely open takes spending a lot of time with a person. People are multi-dimensional, its hard to define a person simply. You can't just say they are like this.... Even married people tell you that they are still learning about eachother even after years. Partly because people change, but mostly because there is depth to a person. I also believe people were created for relationships. God is a relational God (He is three in one, He is relationship and of Himself). Also, there are biblical examples like the three guys in the book of Daniel whose names I'm not going to spell and I don't feel like looking up the spelling (Shadrack, Mishack and Abendigo?) who are never mentioned alone and even speak together. When times are hard, we are meant to have people around us to support us and love us. I guess you might be able to have that without having a "deep" relationship, but, yea. I don't know.
Also, I got thinking about why some guys I think of as "ok, they're good looking" but don't really catch my eye and its more of on the same level as "that person is wearing a blue shirt today" (in feeling wise not because that's why I think they're good looking). But the guys that catch my eye aren't really any more good looking than the other guys per se. Sometimes they are, sometimes they on equal levels. And, as far as I can tell, there aren't really any physical characteristics in common with them all. Instead, its more like a "x factor": something from the person's personality that spills over into there physical appearance and I see even though I don't know the person at all. There is just something about them that I can't define, but it makes them so much better looking to me. Yea? Am I making any sense? I don't know, lol.
Tonight is our last girls game. I hope people show up... I don't think we have any chance of making playoffs though unless a bunch of other teams kept defaulting (which with girls teams is possible but unlikely). It'll be fun though, cause its soccer :-) and soccer is wonderful
Funny, I understand him teaching me physics so much better than the professor...
He got me thinking, are there people who never open up to anyone on a deeper level? Are there those content to keep all relationships simply on a surface level? How open should people be with others? I tend to pretend to be open. Flood people with some information so it seems like I'm completely open, but keep some stuff to myself. I dunno why. I don't think its possible to be completely open unless you completely know yourself. Then, being completely open takes spending a lot of time with a person. People are multi-dimensional, its hard to define a person simply. You can't just say they are like this.... Even married people tell you that they are still learning about eachother even after years. Partly because people change, but mostly because there is depth to a person. I also believe people were created for relationships. God is a relational God (He is three in one, He is relationship and of Himself). Also, there are biblical examples like the three guys in the book of Daniel whose names I'm not going to spell and I don't feel like looking up the spelling (Shadrack, Mishack and Abendigo?) who are never mentioned alone and even speak together. When times are hard, we are meant to have people around us to support us and love us. I guess you might be able to have that without having a "deep" relationship, but, yea. I don't know.
Also, I got thinking about why some guys I think of as "ok, they're good looking" but don't really catch my eye and its more of on the same level as "that person is wearing a blue shirt today" (in feeling wise not because that's why I think they're good looking). But the guys that catch my eye aren't really any more good looking than the other guys per se. Sometimes they are, sometimes they on equal levels. And, as far as I can tell, there aren't really any physical characteristics in common with them all. Instead, its more like a "x factor": something from the person's personality that spills over into there physical appearance and I see even though I don't know the person at all. There is just something about them that I can't define, but it makes them so much better looking to me. Yea? Am I making any sense? I don't know, lol.
Tonight is our last girls game. I hope people show up... I don't think we have any chance of making playoffs though unless a bunch of other teams kept defaulting (which with girls teams is possible but unlikely). It'll be fun though, cause its soccer :-) and soccer is wonderful
Friday, February 24, 2006
So now I have 8 little rainbow colored mice in my room..I'm not sure how my roommate will take it. I know it wouldn't bother her having the mice here, but I kinda forgot about the smell and that may bother her. But its not for that long, so she'll probably be fine. It was so funny naming them...
I was so relieved that I eecked out A's on thos two tests. I really didn't think I'd make it... Now if I can just bring up my econ grade...
This morning was not fun. The test made me hurt soo much more. I have some meds for now, but she thinks it will be a recurring problem. But to get more, I have to go back in a month for a different test, a worse one. But, she is going to give me vallum (however that's spelt) before to relax me so it will be standable. I just find it funny to be taking vallum....she said it might make me loopy so have a friend to come with me to watch out for me on the walk there and back. I think it'd be fun to be loopy, but yea.
Ah, the mice are finally quieting down and sleeping.
There is absolutely nothing going on this weekend. Clemson can be such a boring place on the weekends. I thought about driving up to Asheville, but most people are either busy this weekend or not in the mood for a road trip. It probably wouldn't be smart for me either since I wear out pretty fast still.
The poor mice are trying to wash off the marker we put on the m so we could tell which one was which. Crazy mice.
I was so relieved that I eecked out A's on thos two tests. I really didn't think I'd make it... Now if I can just bring up my econ grade...
This morning was not fun. The test made me hurt soo much more. I have some meds for now, but she thinks it will be a recurring problem. But to get more, I have to go back in a month for a different test, a worse one. But, she is going to give me vallum (however that's spelt) before to relax me so it will be standable. I just find it funny to be taking vallum....she said it might make me loopy so have a friend to come with me to watch out for me on the walk there and back. I think it'd be fun to be loopy, but yea.
Ah, the mice are finally quieting down and sleeping.
There is absolutely nothing going on this weekend. Clemson can be such a boring place on the weekends. I thought about driving up to Asheville, but most people are either busy this weekend or not in the mood for a road trip. It probably wouldn't be smart for me either since I wear out pretty fast still.
The poor mice are trying to wash off the marker we put on the m so we could tell which one was which. Crazy mice.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Never take friends for granted.
How wonderful! I just got back from the botanical gardens with Tara. You see, the test did not go so well this morning. I woke up, studied for an extra hour, went to breakfast....but the test was a lot harder than it should have been for that material... Oh well. I came back and stayed on the sofa most of the morning and early afternoon, only pulling myself off a couple of times for lunch and checking e-mail. By about 2pm I realized I would never sleep tonight if I didn't get up and do something. So I went to the Java with Tara...which turned into taking hte long way back to the dorm because of the beautiful weather...which turned into a trip to the botanical gardens. I can't believe it's February!! I was out in a t-shirt and jeans!! Such beautiful weather today could not be wasted!
It was amazing, not just the beauty of the gardens, but being together. I've missed that so much, that deeper connection. I've been so disconnected this semester since most people are too busy or we have opposite schedules. I mean, its not like we don' t hang out, but we don't go any deeper than that. It was wonderful to wander around and talk about life, friendships, thoughts, spiritual stuff, everything... I am convinced that we were created a relational people and when we don't have that deeper connection for a while we feel something missing.
One thing we talked about is how burnt out we get with organized religion sometimes. How judgemental Christians (even ourselves) can be (if its not na oxymoron to talk about it that way, we were including ourselves in that). How we miss the depth sometimes and its so easy to not go when we feel like we're not getting that or go for the wrong reasons. I dunno, its so easy to get lost in the religion and lose sight of the one true God who is the purpose and the point of it all; lose the grace and the freedom and the depth and the awe and the amazing, unconditional love.
"There's a place where religion finally dies.
There's a place where I lose my selfish pride.
Dancing with my Father God in fields of grace.
Dancing with my Father God in fields of grace."
Another thing at has been on my mind is probably best said in this poem by lope de vega carpio:
LORD, what am I, that with unceasing care
Thou did'st seek after me, that Thou did'st wait
Wet with unhealthy dews before my gate,
And pass the gloomy nights of winter there?
Oh, strange delusion, that I did not greet
Thy blest approach, and oh, to heaven how lost
If my ingratitude's unkindly frost
Has chilled the bleeding wounds upon Thy feet.
How oft my guardian angel gently cried,
"Soul, from thy casement look, and thou shalt see
How He persists to knock and wait for thee!"
And oh, how often to that Voice of sorrow,
"Tomorrow we will open," I replied,
And when the morrow came I answered still "Tomorrow."
That reminds me. Tara and I also talked about how a lot of times words just don't cut it. But there are those people who, when they look you in the eye, it feels as though they can see through you, see the real you, know everything about you. Its scary and cool at the same time. Then we realized that that's what God does.... Which was kinda cool to think about. But about the words not cutting it, sometimes words just can't encompass what you want to say. They just don't cut it. Both of us love to sit and watch people, because body language says so much. We stood and watched a young man out walking with his dog and daughter. Its was beautiful to see them. I took a couple of pictures. He saw me. I think he thought me strange, but it didn't seem to bother him too much. I love watching people and listening to snipets of their conversations in coffee shops or the dining hall or the library bridge. You can't a small bit of their life story. Which reminds me, we also talked about how we hate seeing people go out of our lives. Whether its because of distance, time, some sort of connection lost... Its hard to describe the feeling..and it would take a long time to rewrite the conversation so I'll leave it at that and let you do with it what you may.
I've been thinking about trying a different house church. It just feels like there isn't a depth or a closeness in the one I'm in. I mean, there is for our small group, or when our family group is small, but in general we never go that deep. Also, there is something else about it bothering me that I can't quite put my finger on. But I guess I'm afraid to try out another one in a way. I'm comfortable at church on Riggs and I love the people there. It would be hard to leave...
Well, I do believe I've overstepped my rambling limit, so I will leave you at that for the moment. Have a lovely day =-)
It was amazing, not just the beauty of the gardens, but being together. I've missed that so much, that deeper connection. I've been so disconnected this semester since most people are too busy or we have opposite schedules. I mean, its not like we don' t hang out, but we don't go any deeper than that. It was wonderful to wander around and talk about life, friendships, thoughts, spiritual stuff, everything... I am convinced that we were created a relational people and when we don't have that deeper connection for a while we feel something missing.
One thing we talked about is how burnt out we get with organized religion sometimes. How judgemental Christians (even ourselves) can be (if its not na oxymoron to talk about it that way, we were including ourselves in that). How we miss the depth sometimes and its so easy to not go when we feel like we're not getting that or go for the wrong reasons. I dunno, its so easy to get lost in the religion and lose sight of the one true God who is the purpose and the point of it all; lose the grace and the freedom and the depth and the awe and the amazing, unconditional love.
"There's a place where religion finally dies.
There's a place where I lose my selfish pride.
Dancing with my Father God in fields of grace.
Dancing with my Father God in fields of grace."
Another thing at has been on my mind is probably best said in this poem by lope de vega carpio:
LORD, what am I, that with unceasing care
Thou did'st seek after me, that Thou did'st wait
Wet with unhealthy dews before my gate,
And pass the gloomy nights of winter there?
Oh, strange delusion, that I did not greet
Thy blest approach, and oh, to heaven how lost
If my ingratitude's unkindly frost
Has chilled the bleeding wounds upon Thy feet.
How oft my guardian angel gently cried,
"Soul, from thy casement look, and thou shalt see
How He persists to knock and wait for thee!"
And oh, how often to that Voice of sorrow,
"Tomorrow we will open," I replied,
And when the morrow came I answered still "Tomorrow."
That reminds me. Tara and I also talked about how a lot of times words just don't cut it. But there are those people who, when they look you in the eye, it feels as though they can see through you, see the real you, know everything about you. Its scary and cool at the same time. Then we realized that that's what God does.... Which was kinda cool to think about. But about the words not cutting it, sometimes words just can't encompass what you want to say. They just don't cut it. Both of us love to sit and watch people, because body language says so much. We stood and watched a young man out walking with his dog and daughter. Its was beautiful to see them. I took a couple of pictures. He saw me. I think he thought me strange, but it didn't seem to bother him too much. I love watching people and listening to snipets of their conversations in coffee shops or the dining hall or the library bridge. You can't a small bit of their life story. Which reminds me, we also talked about how we hate seeing people go out of our lives. Whether its because of distance, time, some sort of connection lost... Its hard to describe the feeling..and it would take a long time to rewrite the conversation so I'll leave it at that and let you do with it what you may.
I've been thinking about trying a different house church. It just feels like there isn't a depth or a closeness in the one I'm in. I mean, there is for our small group, or when our family group is small, but in general we never go that deep. Also, there is something else about it bothering me that I can't quite put my finger on. But I guess I'm afraid to try out another one in a way. I'm comfortable at church on Riggs and I love the people there. It would be hard to leave...
Well, I do believe I've overstepped my rambling limit, so I will leave you at that for the moment. Have a lovely day =-)
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Good news: they didn't have to draw blood today. Bad news: they could tell me flat out that I still had mono and hadn't gotten any better from last week.
Good news: most of the pain in my abdomen is not from the mono. Bad news: it is from another problem which the test to "officially diagnose" royally sucks. I know cause I had it last year. This on top of mono = not cool. On top of it, I was nauseous and not feeling well all morning. I actually skipped econ to take a nap. A class I never wanted to skip cause its hard for me... then studying with Lee, after only 2 hours I wanted to drop, I couldn't focus and just felt awful. I hate how short my energy span is. Same with at house church tonight. I wanted to get up and leave at 10:30. I was so thankful that I got a ride back. I'm not sure if I woulda made it walking back. Yea, I'm complaining, I know. I have no right to complain, a lot of other people have it worse off then me. I'm just in a bad mood, had a bad day, had someone say something really hurtful earlier, am tired, and have a test tomorrow. Thankfully Matt said he'd teach me physics so I can skip class tomorrow and study. That helps sooo much. That extra bit of sleep (instead of waking up at 6am to studay before my 8am, I can get up at 7:30) will help a lot. A lot is on my mind right now. Alot that people would probably find offensive, so I'll probably just keep my mouth shut. I probably should have kept it shut before this post and not said any of this. Sometimes I think I'm being way too negative and just need to learn to keep quiet unless I have something positive or good to say. I know I should have kept my mouth shut earlier and I woulda saved the other person frustration. I just never know when to be quiet sometimes...
I don't know how to say it... look, disgust, smash, run, fall. stuck. I dunno..
Good news: most of the pain in my abdomen is not from the mono. Bad news: it is from another problem which the test to "officially diagnose" royally sucks. I know cause I had it last year. This on top of mono = not cool. On top of it, I was nauseous and not feeling well all morning. I actually skipped econ to take a nap. A class I never wanted to skip cause its hard for me... then studying with Lee, after only 2 hours I wanted to drop, I couldn't focus and just felt awful. I hate how short my energy span is. Same with at house church tonight. I wanted to get up and leave at 10:30. I was so thankful that I got a ride back. I'm not sure if I woulda made it walking back. Yea, I'm complaining, I know. I have no right to complain, a lot of other people have it worse off then me. I'm just in a bad mood, had a bad day, had someone say something really hurtful earlier, am tired, and have a test tomorrow. Thankfully Matt said he'd teach me physics so I can skip class tomorrow and study. That helps sooo much. That extra bit of sleep (instead of waking up at 6am to studay before my 8am, I can get up at 7:30) will help a lot. A lot is on my mind right now. Alot that people would probably find offensive, so I'll probably just keep my mouth shut. I probably should have kept it shut before this post and not said any of this. Sometimes I think I'm being way too negative and just need to learn to keep quiet unless I have something positive or good to say. I know I should have kept my mouth shut earlier and I woulda saved the other person frustration. I just never know when to be quiet sometimes...
I don't know how to say it... look, disgust, smash, run, fall. stuck. I dunno..
i'm such a wimp.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Wow. I was surprised, but so amazed at how well she is adjusting. For that, I'm happy for her. It'll be hard, but he seems to be making it easier on her, which is good. I'm so happy for her (since she is happy) but in shock a bit since it feels so real. So close. Life seems to be coming at us so fast. I dunno. Maybe I need to stop overthinking it.
The test this morning was pretty rough. Lots of information, but I doubt more studying could have done me much more good. I had fun last night anyway. Dinner was kinda weird since the three of us were kinda sectioned away from the group. But I enjoyed it. It was nice to just relax with a couple of people and then hang out with the group later and goof off (or study and watch the Olympics...). Its always different hanging out with them. I mean, I love it, but I've never had the opportunity to really get to know any of them on a level other than just hanging out. Other than Courtney =-) But that's fine in its own way I guess. Its good to have people you can just goof around with. I don't really feel like I fit in with my other friends quite as much anymore. Maybe its just cause they are so busy and our schedules are opposite. Who knows.
The week is off to a good start at least. Now that that test is out of the way it should be pretty smooth. Definitely not looking forward to going back to the doctor on Wednesday though, but I do want to get cleared to play sports so I suppose I have to go. I'm feeling so much better now. I don't have to take the pain pills every few hours, just once a day is all. And I'm not tired like I was (well, minus the tiredness from getting 4 hours of sleep last night studying for the 402 test). I feel like I could play tonight...but then I remember all the pain I was in after playing last week and getting stuck with needles and all that lovely stuff. Provides some incentive not to... I'd definitely play in tomorrow nights game cause it'll have been a whole week longer of recovery, but I don't think Roy will let me...
Man, I'm tired. I think I'll attempt to finish my anatomy reading then maybe take a nap before the game. Have a wonderful Monday =-P As oxymoronic as that may sound..
The test this morning was pretty rough. Lots of information, but I doubt more studying could have done me much more good. I had fun last night anyway. Dinner was kinda weird since the three of us were kinda sectioned away from the group. But I enjoyed it. It was nice to just relax with a couple of people and then hang out with the group later and goof off (or study and watch the Olympics...). Its always different hanging out with them. I mean, I love it, but I've never had the opportunity to really get to know any of them on a level other than just hanging out. Other than Courtney =-) But that's fine in its own way I guess. Its good to have people you can just goof around with. I don't really feel like I fit in with my other friends quite as much anymore. Maybe its just cause they are so busy and our schedules are opposite. Who knows.
The week is off to a good start at least. Now that that test is out of the way it should be pretty smooth. Definitely not looking forward to going back to the doctor on Wednesday though, but I do want to get cleared to play sports so I suppose I have to go. I'm feeling so much better now. I don't have to take the pain pills every few hours, just once a day is all. And I'm not tired like I was (well, minus the tiredness from getting 4 hours of sleep last night studying for the 402 test). I feel like I could play tonight...but then I remember all the pain I was in after playing last week and getting stuck with needles and all that lovely stuff. Provides some incentive not to... I'd definitely play in tomorrow nights game cause it'll have been a whole week longer of recovery, but I don't think Roy will let me...
Man, I'm tired. I think I'll attempt to finish my anatomy reading then maybe take a nap before the game. Have a wonderful Monday =-P As oxymoronic as that may sound..
Saturday, February 18, 2006
So its 4:45 and I'm still in my PJs. Never exactly felt like getting dressed. Jimmy called (woke me up) to say he and Josh were coming. So I got up and half way through breakfast he called to say they weren't coming due to snow (I'm so jealous that they get snow!). So instead I just starting working on homework and worked for five hours straight. I'm proud of myself for that cause I tend to avoid studying like the plague (not, not the soccer team). Last night was fun hanging out with people, getting schooled in pool, out to dinner, and even though I'm not the biggest fan of basball (live games) I had fun. And learned a lot...yea, I think my IQ dropped last night 10 points, then rose a bit again as he tried to explain everything to me. Sorry for pulling away from people so much last week...I just wasn't feeling well. Still not a very good excuse for pulling away. Oh well, sorry.
Sometimes I need to just shut up, but I never realize its one of those moments until after...
Its been so cool walking around campus the last couple of days. I've been seeing beauty everywhere. Its like seeing everything for the first time. I stopped and watched the squirrels for ten minutes yesterday. Stood and stared at the sky, stopped and watched people as they passed. Wonderful.
Sarah and I have gotten a lot closer in the last year, after everything that has happened. We talked for a good half hour on the phone, longer than we have ever talked on the phone. =-)
A couple of old friends also called last night who I hadn't heard from in months. It was really cool to hear what's been going on in their lives. I really wish I could keep up with people better. I'm so bad at that, at staying close to people after they move away or I move away or whatever. I dunno. Maybe I need to learn that its ok to let go sometimes? Or maybe I need to learn to stay in touch better. I dunno.
Life has been good though. The mono is starting to go away. I'm not taking as much of the pain meds and I'm staying energetic longer and eating normal. Woo!! I'm starting to figure out all the study abroad stuff and summer stuff. Everything seems to finally be settling down again.... =-) Famous last words. =-P
Sometimes I need to just shut up, but I never realize its one of those moments until after...
Its been so cool walking around campus the last couple of days. I've been seeing beauty everywhere. Its like seeing everything for the first time. I stopped and watched the squirrels for ten minutes yesterday. Stood and stared at the sky, stopped and watched people as they passed. Wonderful.
Sarah and I have gotten a lot closer in the last year, after everything that has happened. We talked for a good half hour on the phone, longer than we have ever talked on the phone. =-)
A couple of old friends also called last night who I hadn't heard from in months. It was really cool to hear what's been going on in their lives. I really wish I could keep up with people better. I'm so bad at that, at staying close to people after they move away or I move away or whatever. I dunno. Maybe I need to learn that its ok to let go sometimes? Or maybe I need to learn to stay in touch better. I dunno.
Life has been good though. The mono is starting to go away. I'm not taking as much of the pain meds and I'm staying energetic longer and eating normal. Woo!! I'm starting to figure out all the study abroad stuff and summer stuff. Everything seems to finally be settling down again.... =-) Famous last words. =-P
Friday, February 17, 2006
"What part of 'no soccer' did you not understand?" Yea, I've never had a doctor get mad at me before... But I definitely won't be playing sports until I'm doing better because not only was it painful after, but she made me get a CT scan. Now, CT scans aren't usually that bad, (the dye tastes funny, but drinkable) but my veins were bruised from redfern drawing blood. A needle being stuck into a bruise... that's incentive to not do much for awhile. The result: I now have some nice pain medicine. Which is great cause now I can walk around and function with out pain. Now its just fatigue and dizziness which isn't bad, so much better to deal with. Ohh!! I found a way to not flip out over the needle this time when she put it in my arm, even though I had a bruise! I just closed my eyes and pictured _____. So, that was a very good thing cause the last time they drew blood I cried, lol. I'm such a wimp with needles.
Another cooking attempt failed. Complete failure. Should have been inedible, but it turned into a challenge for us to attempt to finish a bowl of it. I don't know why I can cook for my family just fine, but whenever I go to cook for anyone else I can never get it right.... Oh well. Better luck next time I suppose =-P
Wow, that was the best conversation I've had in a long time. Just wondering around talking...yea. Helped a lot of things make sense.
So my roommate's mom is in town and she decided to stay with her at the hotel. So I have a room to myself for three days. Now, I love my roommate, but I also am enjoying being able to go to sleep when I want, play music and have light when I wake up, and just enjoy an empty room now and then.
Two old high school friends are visiting randomly this weekend. So that should be fun to see them. Jimmy Youn and Josh Carter.
Well, I gotta run to class. Have a wonderful Friday!
Another cooking attempt failed. Complete failure. Should have been inedible, but it turned into a challenge for us to attempt to finish a bowl of it. I don't know why I can cook for my family just fine, but whenever I go to cook for anyone else I can never get it right.... Oh well. Better luck next time I suppose =-P
Wow, that was the best conversation I've had in a long time. Just wondering around talking...yea. Helped a lot of things make sense.
So my roommate's mom is in town and she decided to stay with her at the hotel. So I have a room to myself for three days. Now, I love my roommate, but I also am enjoying being able to go to sleep when I want, play music and have light when I wake up, and just enjoy an empty room now and then.
Two old high school friends are visiting randomly this weekend. So that should be fun to see them. Jimmy Youn and Josh Carter.
Well, I gotta run to class. Have a wonderful Friday!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Ok, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea... I was ok for the co-ed game. I didn't run too much. I probably would have been fine if I stopped there. But not enough of our girls showed up, then the stupid intramural office mad a mistake and didn't check off one of our girls who signed a waiver and wouldn't let her play, and one of our best players opted out of playing since she had a test the next day (understandably). So I played. I was happy with how I played first half actually, I got more into it and played alot better than I had in the co-ed game. It took all I had to play though. By second half movement began to hurt, breathing was hard and just short jogs left my heart racing like I ran a marathon. But I wasn't the only one struggling second half. Our whole team seemed to fall apart. We lost to a team we should have beat, and two of the goals were obviously my fault. I should have been able to stop them. By the end of the game I was so dizzy, but somehow glad I played. Even though we lost I enjoyed playing. Though, I will not be playing anymore sports for at least a week. Waking up this morning was so hard. My body was screaming to stay in bed, but classes are kind of a necessary part of life in college. Once I was up, I was good for my first class, but I started downhill in my second. Now I just want to curl up and not move for a few hours, but I have an appointment at 1pm that I can miss so I'm killing time until then. I think I'll be fine after I rest some this afternoon. And meagan gave me some medicine to help my throat.
Wow, a lot on my mind, but coherency isn't really working for me, so maybe I'll try again later (yay for spell check).
Wow, a lot on my mind, but coherency isn't really working for me, so maybe I'll try again later (yay for spell check).
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I forgot to add that yes, I do agree that it is an overrated, consumer driven holiday just giving stores and excuse to come up with creative ways to take our money.
What a suprise to wake up to. I guess this means he no longer hates me, which is wonderful. I mean, we've been talking for awhile, but I wasn't sure if he was still mad at me on the inside. Its good to have a friend back. I think its funny to see campus on Valentine's day. More stuff is hung up that is anti-love than pro-the holiday. I went to the Java and its all black streamers and a heart break theme. On our hall the sign is Happy SAD Love. It makes me laugh. I could care less about the holiday one way or another. It's always fun to give me friends candy or something (any excuse to get and give chocolate is good to me), but beyond that I could really care less. Its just kind of funny how people turn a holiday created to be thankful for the love they do have in their life toward being bitter toward what they don't have. I mean, who cares if you're not dating anyone, you still have friends right? V-Day doesn't have to be about dating. Its almost like being all mopy on Thanksgiving because instead of thinking about what you have to be thankful for, you're thinking about what you're lacking. I don't know.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Oh man physics lab sucked. I tried to take a nap before lab, but couldn't sleep cause my roommate was yelling at her mom over the phone about her FASA. But, I dragged myself up for lab. When I got there I had the hardest time focusing. I kept spacing out when he was explaining the lab, so of course I didn't understand what we were suppose to do. And my partner is one of those girls who never quite knows what's going on. So I had to keep asking the TA questions on how to do it. But he assumed I was just a ditz and hadn't paid attention because I didn't care and didn't know anything to the smallest degree about physics. So, instead of answering any of my questions, he just said "Figure it out" in a rude tone that basically said he didn't want to deal with me. Well, I could barely figure out how to do simple stuff like plug numbers into a set equation correctly at the moment, so figuring out the whole lab procedure was out of the question. I was so confused, and I hate being confused. On the verge of tears (cause I've been crying so easy lately...must be the tiredness or something) I explained to him that I was not feeling well, was trying and my brain was just not functioning. Finally that must have registered something in his brain because he was nice from that point on and explained what I was suppose to be doing. He even glanced at it before I turned it in to give me a chance to correct a couple more of my dumb mistakes (like writing degrees instead of grams...). Its so weird to be perfectly coherent for part of the day, then to just crash and not be able to function. Oh well. At least my physics exam is at 8am tomorrow. I'm usually fine when I first wake up. So, with coffee I should make it through that. Its my other 3 classes I'm not so sure on..
Ok, done complaining. On a happy note, I love my 402 Principles of Physical Fitness Class. Hard, but a lot of fun. And... I can eat today =-) sort of. Much better off than yesterday eating wise.
Simple things make days good. Especially running into people you don't expect to see at that moment. Happened twice today. I love it =-)
What else makes me smile is mom bought me this amazing coffee/chocolate candy for valentine's day. I have to suck on it to be able to eat it, but its soo good.
And it was sunny today. that made me smile. And I nearly was able to pet another squirrel. I walked right up to it and it never moved. But I was afraid this one would bite me. I dunno where my guts went that let me pet that one last year... or maybe I grew a brain, I dunno.
One of my professors referenced life as a dance in class. Yea, that made me smile too.
Okay, me listing what made me smile, probably isn't going to make you smile, but anyway. Simple things around wonderful. Its the small things that can make a day wonderful no matter what else goes wrong. Right? I think so.
Ok, done complaining. On a happy note, I love my 402 Principles of Physical Fitness Class. Hard, but a lot of fun. And... I can eat today =-) sort of. Much better off than yesterday eating wise.
Simple things make days good. Especially running into people you don't expect to see at that moment. Happened twice today. I love it =-)
What else makes me smile is mom bought me this amazing coffee/chocolate candy for valentine's day. I have to suck on it to be able to eat it, but its soo good.
And it was sunny today. that made me smile. And I nearly was able to pet another squirrel. I walked right up to it and it never moved. But I was afraid this one would bite me. I dunno where my guts went that let me pet that one last year... or maybe I grew a brain, I dunno.
One of my professors referenced life as a dance in class. Yea, that made me smile too.
Okay, me listing what made me smile, probably isn't going to make you smile, but anyway. Simple things around wonderful. Its the small things that can make a day wonderful no matter what else goes wrong. Right? I think so.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The past month keeps going through my mind: trying to remember who I let drink after me, who ate after me. I'm so worried about who I could have passed it to. I am especially afraid he'll get it. Oh man, I pray every night that he hasn't, but I'm scared he will. I care about him so much and to know what he would be going through. I would feel responsible for putting him through that.
In church today it hit me, something I had completely forgotten about in my stupid self-pity. The fleas. Have I ever told the flea story here? I don't remember, but I love that story. But I remember "Thank God for the fleas". This sickness is another flea, something that may seem bad at the time but I don't know what good He might be intending to do through it. I need to shut up and be thankful and seek Him in it. He could use this, my needing to be still, to really grow my faith. I have extra time, why am I not spending more of it with Him? He created me, saved me, and put me here with a purpose. That purpose doesn't stop when I get sick or hurt or busy. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me." I should be looking at this as a bit of His grace.
I've loved the series we're going through at church, The Sense of Things, talking about the five sense. Today was hearing. I kept thinking about how much I surround myself with nose and busyness and rarely just listen. I miss what He is trying to tell me, what others are trying to tell me, and the sound of peace. I needed to hear that today, peace. I couldn't wait for the passing of the peace. I needed so badly for someone to look into my eyes and say: "peace to you". I don't know. It sounds weird, I know. But there is something real about it sometimes. You sense that peace that comes from God admists all the busyness I through into my life. My mind is whirling with all that has to get done, but than I hear it: peace. Ok, got off track a bit, eh? I don't remember where I was going with this. Just babbling again I suppose.
I want so badly to live a life that is completely full of Him and that when people look at me, they see Him. I want to love people like He loves me. I want to have a desire to reach out to others and care for them more than myself. I don't want to be proud, self-pitying, whinning, self-centered. I want, instead, to know Him and know Him more fully. Why is it that this desire is so strong somedays and other days I can't see past myself? I don't know. Maybe on those days I'll go back and read this. Or pray. That would probably be better. But that seems to be the last thing I ever want to do on those days.
On a completely different note, we had to put my dog down the other day. My parents didn't tell me she had gotten worse, but yea. I cried, thought I got over it, then today saw her picture again and nearly cried. I had to hide the picture. I'll take it out again when I'm ready. I keep telling myself stuff like "she was just a dog", "she was old and in pain" and "it was her time". I'm just so thankful that I was here when it happened. Somehow I think it'll be easier. Easier until the next time I go home and expect to see her run out to greet me... But I'll deal with that when it happens. For now, I have to deal with the big, bad physics problems. Britt, Rachel, boy do I wish we still had a coffee shop night to get your help with these...
In church today it hit me, something I had completely forgotten about in my stupid self-pity. The fleas. Have I ever told the flea story here? I don't remember, but I love that story. But I remember "Thank God for the fleas". This sickness is another flea, something that may seem bad at the time but I don't know what good He might be intending to do through it. I need to shut up and be thankful and seek Him in it. He could use this, my needing to be still, to really grow my faith. I have extra time, why am I not spending more of it with Him? He created me, saved me, and put me here with a purpose. That purpose doesn't stop when I get sick or hurt or busy. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me." I should be looking at this as a bit of His grace.
I've loved the series we're going through at church, The Sense of Things, talking about the five sense. Today was hearing. I kept thinking about how much I surround myself with nose and busyness and rarely just listen. I miss what He is trying to tell me, what others are trying to tell me, and the sound of peace. I needed to hear that today, peace. I couldn't wait for the passing of the peace. I needed so badly for someone to look into my eyes and say: "peace to you". I don't know. It sounds weird, I know. But there is something real about it sometimes. You sense that peace that comes from God admists all the busyness I through into my life. My mind is whirling with all that has to get done, but than I hear it: peace. Ok, got off track a bit, eh? I don't remember where I was going with this. Just babbling again I suppose.
I want so badly to live a life that is completely full of Him and that when people look at me, they see Him. I want to love people like He loves me. I want to have a desire to reach out to others and care for them more than myself. I don't want to be proud, self-pitying, whinning, self-centered. I want, instead, to know Him and know Him more fully. Why is it that this desire is so strong somedays and other days I can't see past myself? I don't know. Maybe on those days I'll go back and read this. Or pray. That would probably be better. But that seems to be the last thing I ever want to do on those days.
On a completely different note, we had to put my dog down the other day. My parents didn't tell me she had gotten worse, but yea. I cried, thought I got over it, then today saw her picture again and nearly cried. I had to hide the picture. I'll take it out again when I'm ready. I keep telling myself stuff like "she was just a dog", "she was old and in pain" and "it was her time". I'm just so thankful that I was here when it happened. Somehow I think it'll be easier. Easier until the next time I go home and expect to see her run out to greet me... But I'll deal with that when it happens. For now, I have to deal with the big, bad physics problems. Britt, Rachel, boy do I wish we still had a coffee shop night to get your help with these...
Friday, February 10, 2006
Maybe I'll go crush up a cup of apple seeds, put it in some water and drink it =-P Naw, I don't feel that bad. I get my spurts of energy and spurts of not so much.
By the way, the movie Sideways is not worth your time.
I really have nothing interesting to say. I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment. Everyone is either gone to Anderson or playing soccer right now or doing homework. So...after researching cyanide for awhile (courtsey of David) I'm kinda bored. Torture to not be out playing soccer, or any sport for that matter. I've never been good at the whole sitting still thing.
Hang on, need to go comfort my roommate.
Back again. Poor girl. Relationships can be tough. It's harder for her since she doesn't really know people here yet so she just sits in the room crying for the most part. I don't know her well enough to know how to cheer her up either. I offered to take her out for ice cream, only to learn she was lactose intolerant. I can't drink, so I can't take her out to a bar. I got her to go to dinner one night, but its hard to get her to do that even. We played raquetball once, which was fun. Technically I'm not suppose to do sports, but I might do that with her sometime if it'll cheer her up. Well.. if she lets me. Since she had mono really bad she's pretty die hard on me resting. She bought me a milk shake at chili's today =-) We get along, but I don't think we know what to do with eachother yet. We're so different and all. I dunno.
I was thinking of looking into the peace corp. I dunno. I doubt I'd do. But it'd be interesting to see what it was about. I was going to go the other day because I was a little early for my doctor's appointment and they were having a career thing in Hendrix and a peace corp representative was there. But I just didn't have the energy. I didn't understand why at the time... But I regret not going now. I hate trying to get info from web sites. Maybe they'll come back again this semester. Or I can just wait til they come back next year if they come in the fall semester. I dunno. Next week I definitely need to get off my butt and go to the study abroad office. If I don't get on that it'll be too late and I'll be screwed. I guess I don't really feel the reality of it yet, so I don't feel pressured to go get it done. It feels so far away.
Good news: although I won't get paid much this summer, I am getting a really good tax return from last summer, even after paying a bit back for my other job. Whoo! So maybe working at the bank is still paying off...
I'm rambling. Like I said, I really have nothing better to do at the moment. I did some homework. Spent half and hour researching cyanide for no reason, watched a movie. Yea, I feel useless, lol. OH!! I should call my mom and have her bring my yarn and knitting needles. Maybe I'll try my hand at knitting again. That's what I did the last time I was limited in my functioning (when I broke my ankle) since I don't deal well with the sitting thing. By now you're probably bored and hoping all shut up. But I don't write for you, I write for myself and getting stuff off my head, heart or whatever. And as Jonathon Ammons can attest to, I can write a whole lot when I'm bored. But I'll shut up now cause I got distracted on facebook.... Amazing what you succumb to when bored..
By the way, the movie Sideways is not worth your time.
I really have nothing interesting to say. I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment. Everyone is either gone to Anderson or playing soccer right now or doing homework. So...after researching cyanide for awhile (courtsey of David) I'm kinda bored. Torture to not be out playing soccer, or any sport for that matter. I've never been good at the whole sitting still thing.
Hang on, need to go comfort my roommate.
Back again. Poor girl. Relationships can be tough. It's harder for her since she doesn't really know people here yet so she just sits in the room crying for the most part. I don't know her well enough to know how to cheer her up either. I offered to take her out for ice cream, only to learn she was lactose intolerant. I can't drink, so I can't take her out to a bar. I got her to go to dinner one night, but its hard to get her to do that even. We played raquetball once, which was fun. Technically I'm not suppose to do sports, but I might do that with her sometime if it'll cheer her up. Well.. if she lets me. Since she had mono really bad she's pretty die hard on me resting. She bought me a milk shake at chili's today =-) We get along, but I don't think we know what to do with eachother yet. We're so different and all. I dunno.
I was thinking of looking into the peace corp. I dunno. I doubt I'd do. But it'd be interesting to see what it was about. I was going to go the other day because I was a little early for my doctor's appointment and they were having a career thing in Hendrix and a peace corp representative was there. But I just didn't have the energy. I didn't understand why at the time... But I regret not going now. I hate trying to get info from web sites. Maybe they'll come back again this semester. Or I can just wait til they come back next year if they come in the fall semester. I dunno. Next week I definitely need to get off my butt and go to the study abroad office. If I don't get on that it'll be too late and I'll be screwed. I guess I don't really feel the reality of it yet, so I don't feel pressured to go get it done. It feels so far away.
Good news: although I won't get paid much this summer, I am getting a really good tax return from last summer, even after paying a bit back for my other job. Whoo! So maybe working at the bank is still paying off...
I'm rambling. Like I said, I really have nothing better to do at the moment. I did some homework. Spent half and hour researching cyanide for no reason, watched a movie. Yea, I feel useless, lol. OH!! I should call my mom and have her bring my yarn and knitting needles. Maybe I'll try my hand at knitting again. That's what I did the last time I was limited in my functioning (when I broke my ankle) since I don't deal well with the sitting thing. By now you're probably bored and hoping all shut up. But I don't write for you, I write for myself and getting stuff off my head, heart or whatever. And as Jonathon Ammons can attest to, I can write a whole lot when I'm bored. But I'll shut up now cause I got distracted on facebook.... Amazing what you succumb to when bored..
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Man I feel like crap. I'm going to complain on here, so if you don't want to hear it I suggest you stop reading now. Not only did I start my period today for the first time in a long time, but I finally went to Redfern. I forgot how bad my period hurt. The muscles in my lower back get so tight it feels like my back will break and my stomach craps up. Problem is, the only way to make it stop hurting other than using heat pads that I don't have is to exercise (get the blood moving). But with my other sickenss I don't have the energy to, so its a bit of a catch 22. Not to mention I'm emotional. Then I went to redfern and when they drew blood they hit a nerve. I didn't even know you could do that, but boy it hurt. But the bad news was yet to come. I have mono. She told me, and courtsey of the period I started to cry. When she told me the symptoms and what was going on in my body, I got nausous and dizzy. She had to have me lay down. Which is weird, cause I don't get nauseous easily, especially over medical stuff. And I cried, again. Now I can't go to the fencing tourny this weekend and supposedly I shouldn't play soccer Tuesday. We'll see. But having mono explains a lot: why i've been so tired, why my sleeping patterns have been off, why my neck muscles have hurt, why I've had headaches, sore throat and my ear has been hurting like I had an ear infection. I thought I had just been horrible out of shape and out of practice in fencing. And I had no motivation to go anywhere that involved walking...like my study abroad meetings I havn't gone to or the peace corp meeting I wanted to go to or the FIMRC meeting I wanted to go to... So, for the next couple of days please be nice to me. Or, if you choose to tease me or what now, just know I might cry. Its not that I'm upset. I'll just cry easy for a couple of days. Once I get through the first few days of my period I'll be fine. I can handle being sick, but being sick while first starting my period is a little rough. Also forgive me if I'm not the nicest person or the most gung-ho about life. I'm going to try my best, I promise. After i get through these three days it'll be better.
So, I'm a bit bummed about no fencing, a bit sick, a bit tired, a bit moody...but classes are decent, I have good friends, and it's not like this will last forever. So, I'm gonna look at the bright side and enjoy the weekend. Tell me to shut up if I start complaining.
So, I'm a bit bummed about no fencing, a bit sick, a bit tired, a bit moody...but classes are decent, I have good friends, and it's not like this will last forever. So, I'm gonna look at the bright side and enjoy the weekend. Tell me to shut up if I start complaining.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I almost forgot!! Walking into anatomy this morning to hear the Folger's coffee theme song "The best part of waking up..." that made me laugh. But even funnier was that it was followed up by Gold Digger. I love my anatomy class....
I watched a beautiful, long haired, tabby cat stalk a cardinal on my way home today. He was so patient, slowly moving, and so quiet the bird never saw him. His patience far outweighed mine because I finally walked away while he was still stalking the bird, but I guess that goes along with survival. The colors were amazing...the vivid red of the cardinal, the bright green grass and the shades of gray and white on the tabby. Not to mention a cool, crisp breeze. Everything seemed to real and alive.
Its the simple things that make me smile.
Is it spelled gray or grey? I never know.
Simple things, like harcombe ice cream on a sore throat, a light coming on and understanding a bit of physics, seeing a friend I didn't expect to see, coffee, spending time with an old friend, spending time with a dear friend, leftovers...
Today was actually good for a Tuesday. I think I'm coming down with something, but as long as it clears up by the weekend I'm fine with that.
Its going to be a lot harder than I thought to write a curriculum. I can't help but wonder if its worth it, or if I'm even capable of the task. I wonder if I should give up...but then I hear those words and my stubborn side kicks in. My horrible stubborn side, one of my many vices.
Its the simple things that make me smile.
Is it spelled gray or grey? I never know.
Simple things, like harcombe ice cream on a sore throat, a light coming on and understanding a bit of physics, seeing a friend I didn't expect to see, coffee, spending time with an old friend, spending time with a dear friend, leftovers...
Today was actually good for a Tuesday. I think I'm coming down with something, but as long as it clears up by the weekend I'm fine with that.
Its going to be a lot harder than I thought to write a curriculum. I can't help but wonder if its worth it, or if I'm even capable of the task. I wonder if I should give up...but then I hear those words and my stubborn side kicks in. My horrible stubborn side, one of my many vices.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Ok, so I didn't get any homework done...I just spent my hour break crying and writing a much overdue letter/e-mail. I hate it when you know there is something that needs to be said, but its so hard to say because I don't know how to say it and no matter how I say it, it will hurt the other person. Down side of a new roommate: I don't feel comfortable crying around her which leaves me with no place to go when things get rough cause she's always in the room...
It sorta snowed today. More like rained with one or two flurries. But the couple of flurries made me smile as I walked across campus from Edwards to Brackett. Courtney also made me smile (after I stopped choking).
Now off to the class that kills more brain cells than does anything else...
It sorta snowed today. More like rained with one or two flurries. But the couple of flurries made me smile as I walked across campus from Edwards to Brackett. Courtney also made me smile (after I stopped choking).
Now off to the class that kills more brain cells than does anything else...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
I'm sorry if I've been acting weird. I got in a big fight with my dad yesterday as I was leaving. I hate when we argue, and we've never argued that hard before. I cried as I drove back. When I got back he had e-mailed me about it. I know I need to explain how I feel and not just brush it off. If I brush it off it'll only get worse, but telling him how I feel is so hard. I don't know how to explain it to him and however I explain it will hurt him. Its so hard. So I keep putting it off and thinking about it is tearing me up. I know the longer I put it off the worse I'll feel and I know he's waiting for a reply.
Pray for me.
Pray for me.
Friday, February 03, 2006
So...at our econ group meeting last night I learned that very very few people get As in the class and the chance of me being one of the 15/400 is slim to none. Although he is a very good and interesting professor, he gives insanely hard tests. Great. And my 402 professor thinks that we all have this insane about of prior knowledge on the topic. I think it is the most interesting, but hardest elective I could have chosen to take. At least its fun. So yea, realizing my grades are definitely not going to be so hot this semester... the semester I needed them to be since I'm applying for a scholarship for my study abroad year at the end of this semester... Surprisingly, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Well, ok, probably in a few weeks I'll be on here angry and spazzing, but this past week it hasn't bothered me.
Wow, that's all I can say to that is wow. Just when I about gave up...and yea. Wow.
I'm sorry to my friends who I don't tell enough how much I appreciate and love you. Because its true.
Gotta start packing. Smile!! And have a lovely weekend.
Wow, that's all I can say to that is wow. Just when I about gave up...and yea. Wow.
I'm sorry to my friends who I don't tell enough how much I appreciate and love you. Because its true.
Gotta start packing. Smile!! And have a lovely weekend.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
| Your Scholastic Strength Is Evaluating |
 You are great at looking at many details and putting them all together. You are talented at detecting subtle trends, accuracy, and managing change. You should major in: Statistics Speech Conflict studies Communication Finance Medicine |
Yay! Medicine is on there!!! Finance is too... I keep toying with the idea of switching to business. I mean I have a full ride to a graduate business school with a paid internship if I want it... and everyone in my family is into business so I should be good at it too.. and bookkeeping wasn't a bad job....but bank work was. Yea, I think I'll stick with medicine, but it does make me stop and think. Coffee is a wonderful thing. Makes me a more fun person to be around and I get more work done...except when online quizes distract me... So what if caffine increases the stress response in the body and lowers your metabolism, that's what fencing is for: my stress reduction break. So, allow me to enjoy my Honduran coffee =-) (No, i'm not addicted....nor am I a hippie...)
