Sunday, February 12, 2006
The past month keeps going through my mind: trying to remember who I let drink after me, who ate after me. I'm so worried about who I could have passed it to. I am especially afraid he'll get it. Oh man, I pray every night that he hasn't, but I'm scared he will. I care about him so much and to know what he would be going through. I would feel responsible for putting him through that.
In church today it hit me, something I had completely forgotten about in my stupid self-pity. The fleas. Have I ever told the flea story here? I don't remember, but I love that story. But I remember "Thank God for the fleas". This sickness is another flea, something that may seem bad at the time but I don't know what good He might be intending to do through it. I need to shut up and be thankful and seek Him in it. He could use this, my needing to be still, to really grow my faith. I have extra time, why am I not spending more of it with Him? He created me, saved me, and put me here with a purpose. That purpose doesn't stop when I get sick or hurt or busy. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me." I should be looking at this as a bit of His grace.
I've loved the series we're going through at church, The Sense of Things, talking about the five sense. Today was hearing. I kept thinking about how much I surround myself with nose and busyness and rarely just listen. I miss what He is trying to tell me, what others are trying to tell me, and the sound of peace. I needed to hear that today, peace. I couldn't wait for the passing of the peace. I needed so badly for someone to look into my eyes and say: "peace to you". I don't know. It sounds weird, I know. But there is something real about it sometimes. You sense that peace that comes from God admists all the busyness I through into my life. My mind is whirling with all that has to get done, but than I hear it: peace. Ok, got off track a bit, eh? I don't remember where I was going with this. Just babbling again I suppose.
I want so badly to live a life that is completely full of Him and that when people look at me, they see Him. I want to love people like He loves me. I want to have a desire to reach out to others and care for them more than myself. I don't want to be proud, self-pitying, whinning, self-centered. I want, instead, to know Him and know Him more fully. Why is it that this desire is so strong somedays and other days I can't see past myself? I don't know. Maybe on those days I'll go back and read this. Or pray. That would probably be better. But that seems to be the last thing I ever want to do on those days.
On a completely different note, we had to put my dog down the other day. My parents didn't tell me she had gotten worse, but yea. I cried, thought I got over it, then today saw her picture again and nearly cried. I had to hide the picture. I'll take it out again when I'm ready. I keep telling myself stuff like "she was just a dog", "she was old and in pain" and "it was her time". I'm just so thankful that I was here when it happened. Somehow I think it'll be easier. Easier until the next time I go home and expect to see her run out to greet me... But I'll deal with that when it happens. For now, I have to deal with the big, bad physics problems. Britt, Rachel, boy do I wish we still had a coffee shop night to get your help with these...
In church today it hit me, something I had completely forgotten about in my stupid self-pity. The fleas. Have I ever told the flea story here? I don't remember, but I love that story. But I remember "Thank God for the fleas". This sickness is another flea, something that may seem bad at the time but I don't know what good He might be intending to do through it. I need to shut up and be thankful and seek Him in it. He could use this, my needing to be still, to really grow my faith. I have extra time, why am I not spending more of it with Him? He created me, saved me, and put me here with a purpose. That purpose doesn't stop when I get sick or hurt or busy. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me." I should be looking at this as a bit of His grace.
I've loved the series we're going through at church, The Sense of Things, talking about the five sense. Today was hearing. I kept thinking about how much I surround myself with nose and busyness and rarely just listen. I miss what He is trying to tell me, what others are trying to tell me, and the sound of peace. I needed to hear that today, peace. I couldn't wait for the passing of the peace. I needed so badly for someone to look into my eyes and say: "peace to you". I don't know. It sounds weird, I know. But there is something real about it sometimes. You sense that peace that comes from God admists all the busyness I through into my life. My mind is whirling with all that has to get done, but than I hear it: peace. Ok, got off track a bit, eh? I don't remember where I was going with this. Just babbling again I suppose.
I want so badly to live a life that is completely full of Him and that when people look at me, they see Him. I want to love people like He loves me. I want to have a desire to reach out to others and care for them more than myself. I don't want to be proud, self-pitying, whinning, self-centered. I want, instead, to know Him and know Him more fully. Why is it that this desire is so strong somedays and other days I can't see past myself? I don't know. Maybe on those days I'll go back and read this. Or pray. That would probably be better. But that seems to be the last thing I ever want to do on those days.
On a completely different note, we had to put my dog down the other day. My parents didn't tell me she had gotten worse, but yea. I cried, thought I got over it, then today saw her picture again and nearly cried. I had to hide the picture. I'll take it out again when I'm ready. I keep telling myself stuff like "she was just a dog", "she was old and in pain" and "it was her time". I'm just so thankful that I was here when it happened. Somehow I think it'll be easier. Easier until the next time I go home and expect to see her run out to greet me... But I'll deal with that when it happens. For now, I have to deal with the big, bad physics problems. Britt, Rachel, boy do I wish we still had a coffee shop night to get your help with these...
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