Thursday, March 31, 2005
The lightening storm this morning made it worth having to get up early, despite getting soaked. There were a couple of bolts where you could see the line of the lightening clearly from one end of the sky to the other. That's when Joe and I decided to stop holding the foil which was begining to look more and more like a lightening rod. Despite all this, we sold a lot at the bake sale in support of the fencing team.
With Stats, I just can't win. *sigh*
Yay for getting spring break pictures developed! Boo for my film somehow being exposed. Boo for me being a retard when it comes to my camara.
I don't know why I try somedays. I just felt like a complete idiot, like I was doing my team no good and it was as if I wasn't even there. I guess that's what I get for playing with people who are really good at soccer.
I feel better about the tournament now at least. I fenced a lot better tonight. I'm alittle nervous being around fencers on April fools day, especially Joel, but hopefully they'll forget what day it is.
I didn't want to go to LTG tonight. I knew she'd ask me how she was and I didn't want to think about it. I knew I would get that look from the others, and I hate that. It happened as expected, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I was prepared to answer, in control of emotion and answered straight forward. I guess I don't feel comfortable in that group all the time, especially with adding someone new. It'll take a week to get use to. I'm sorry that I'm not being as open as I was. I'm sorry I'm pulling away from most of you. I hate it in a way. I just don't know what to do most of the time. I'm confused and becoming apathetic. My response to the situation is slowly trying to disengage myself from what's going on (which I know isn't good), try to make it seem like something apart from me. I'm sick of being afraid, sick of hurting, sick of being sad, sick of myself and my poor reaction to all thats going on and my inability to handle it well.
The tree outside my window is a dogwood. What a reminder! I think God put it ther eto remind me everytime I look out the window.
I'm off to Michagen for a fencing tourny this weekend. Wish me luck!
With Stats, I just can't win. *sigh*
Yay for getting spring break pictures developed! Boo for my film somehow being exposed. Boo for me being a retard when it comes to my camara.
I don't know why I try somedays. I just felt like a complete idiot, like I was doing my team no good and it was as if I wasn't even there. I guess that's what I get for playing with people who are really good at soccer.
I feel better about the tournament now at least. I fenced a lot better tonight. I'm alittle nervous being around fencers on April fools day, especially Joel, but hopefully they'll forget what day it is.
I didn't want to go to LTG tonight. I knew she'd ask me how she was and I didn't want to think about it. I knew I would get that look from the others, and I hate that. It happened as expected, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I was prepared to answer, in control of emotion and answered straight forward. I guess I don't feel comfortable in that group all the time, especially with adding someone new. It'll take a week to get use to. I'm sorry that I'm not being as open as I was. I'm sorry I'm pulling away from most of you. I hate it in a way. I just don't know what to do most of the time. I'm confused and becoming apathetic. My response to the situation is slowly trying to disengage myself from what's going on (which I know isn't good), try to make it seem like something apart from me. I'm sick of being afraid, sick of hurting, sick of being sad, sick of myself and my poor reaction to all thats going on and my inability to handle it well.
The tree outside my window is a dogwood. What a reminder! I think God put it ther eto remind me everytime I look out the window.
I'm off to Michagen for a fencing tourny this weekend. Wish me luck!
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