Wednesday, March 30, 2005
The sunset was really pretty tonight. The whispy clouds were slowly painted pink and orange. No, it wasn't jaw dropping, but beautiful in a quiet, contemplative, gentle way.
Monday my side starting hurting. I brushed it off as not eating much that day and just made sure I didn't skip lunch or dinner on Tuesday, but it started to hurt more. Today, it really hurt walking to classes, sorta like I had run a couple of miles when I'll I did was walk to Daniel (which is not far). So I got the bright idea to test out what it'd be like to run with this. Hm...maybe I can run through it. It started hurting before I had even run a tenth of a mile, but I decided to try to push through it saying "either I'll push through it and be good, or this will really really hurt." 1.3 miles later I collapsed on the bench next to the track. Maybe tomorrow it'll feel better, maybe tomorrow running will work. All I can say is it better not be the same thing it was last semester and it better be better by Saturday.
I'm beginning to hate phones. More bad knews.
I really hate crying in front of people. I've gotten to the point where I'll wait to tell friends about what's going on until I am callous about the situation and can talk about it without crying and with control over my emotions. I know, its not a good thing. There are a couple of people who I'm real with, who I dont' control my emotions around. See, I've noticed lately how I've pushed a lot of my friends away. Its hard to explain. I hang out with them, but I don't want to be real with most of them, only a few. It hurts too much. I just want to go back to being able to answer "how are you?" with "good" and it be true. I think I also hate the look they give me and the way they treat me. I don't like being pitied. Pitying isn't loving, its a condescending love, or so it feels. There are those who truely care and there are those who give you that pitying look.
Can't you hear my scream?
Below the surface, I drown.
Sufficated by I'm fine.
So lost that I can't even find myself.
So scared, but unable to scream.
Cry of pain muffled by a mask
I choose to wear.
You cannot see. You don't want to.
Would you run away?
Leave me? Pity me?
Those are the same to me.
Pity is like a knife that cuts deeper
than the lonliness.
It is a condescending attempt at love.
So I pull away to the dark lonely.
I can handle my own pain, thank you.
I'm just on the ground to tie my shoe.
I did not trip, I purposely sat.
Don't look at me like that.
SPACE!
Oh please don't leave.
I dont' know what I want.
Don't look at me, but dont' leave me
I can't be alone, but I can't stand
To have you near either.
What am I ranting about now?
Self-pitying, frustration at nothing
Screaming at the air as if
its existence was some injustice
rather than quietly sustaining.
Raising my fist against the sun
Because it goes away at night
Instead of dancing with the stars
in their twinkling twilight
Sing to me again of joy
Of peace beyond everything
Of sweet release. Unclench my fist
Sing with the sun, dance with the leaves
Twirl in the twilight, smile through the dark.
Jump, laugh, joyfull reveling in nothing
but the fact of existing.
There is one who loves without pity
who never leaves,
who refuses to allow us to carry
our own loads not matter how stubborn
we may be
I need to be rescued don't I?
Saved from myself. I have
become my own slave driver
Forcing a burden on myself
Run away, run to Him.
Open arms,
I need a hero.
Monday my side starting hurting. I brushed it off as not eating much that day and just made sure I didn't skip lunch or dinner on Tuesday, but it started to hurt more. Today, it really hurt walking to classes, sorta like I had run a couple of miles when I'll I did was walk to Daniel (which is not far). So I got the bright idea to test out what it'd be like to run with this. Hm...maybe I can run through it. It started hurting before I had even run a tenth of a mile, but I decided to try to push through it saying "either I'll push through it and be good, or this will really really hurt." 1.3 miles later I collapsed on the bench next to the track. Maybe tomorrow it'll feel better, maybe tomorrow running will work. All I can say is it better not be the same thing it was last semester and it better be better by Saturday.
I'm beginning to hate phones. More bad knews.
I really hate crying in front of people. I've gotten to the point where I'll wait to tell friends about what's going on until I am callous about the situation and can talk about it without crying and with control over my emotions. I know, its not a good thing. There are a couple of people who I'm real with, who I dont' control my emotions around. See, I've noticed lately how I've pushed a lot of my friends away. Its hard to explain. I hang out with them, but I don't want to be real with most of them, only a few. It hurts too much. I just want to go back to being able to answer "how are you?" with "good" and it be true. I think I also hate the look they give me and the way they treat me. I don't like being pitied. Pitying isn't loving, its a condescending love, or so it feels. There are those who truely care and there are those who give you that pitying look.
Can't you hear my scream?
Below the surface, I drown.
Sufficated by I'm fine.
So lost that I can't even find myself.
So scared, but unable to scream.
Cry of pain muffled by a mask
I choose to wear.
You cannot see. You don't want to.
Would you run away?
Leave me? Pity me?
Those are the same to me.
Pity is like a knife that cuts deeper
than the lonliness.
It is a condescending attempt at love.
So I pull away to the dark lonely.
I can handle my own pain, thank you.
I'm just on the ground to tie my shoe.
I did not trip, I purposely sat.
Don't look at me like that.
SPACE!
Oh please don't leave.
I dont' know what I want.
Don't look at me, but dont' leave me
I can't be alone, but I can't stand
To have you near either.
What am I ranting about now?
Self-pitying, frustration at nothing
Screaming at the air as if
its existence was some injustice
rather than quietly sustaining.
Raising my fist against the sun
Because it goes away at night
Instead of dancing with the stars
in their twinkling twilight
Sing to me again of joy
Of peace beyond everything
Of sweet release. Unclench my fist
Sing with the sun, dance with the leaves
Twirl in the twilight, smile through the dark.
Jump, laugh, joyfull reveling in nothing
but the fact of existing.
There is one who loves without pity
who never leaves,
who refuses to allow us to carry
our own loads not matter how stubborn
we may be
I need to be rescued don't I?
Saved from myself. I have
become my own slave driver
Forcing a burden on myself
Run away, run to Him.
Open arms,
I need a hero.
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