Ramblings of a Wandering Luney

Its been a good week. Its hard to say that today cause I'm tired and sore and don't feel like working as much as I have to today, but really and truely it has been a good week. I've gotten to spend more time with my amazing husband than I've gotten to in awhile and have really enjoyed that. He is so overwhelmed with work, jobs stuff and school that its made him physically ill. I wish that there was more I could do to support him and love on him. I just don't know what I can do. I want to know how to love him better.

Hanging out with Brittany was wonderful as well. We both realized that we need to do that more often: have time with another girl who knows you well. Its easy for me to get caught up in work then just want to laze around when I have spare time rather than really digging deep with another person beyond doing that with my husband.

Working at the restaurant last night was a bit busy/stressful but fun. Its nice to have a place where I can talk to people and relax in between waiting tables. I also got a free dinner! Which is always nice.

Last Sunday I had off from work and was able to be at home most of monday. That's what gave Matt and some time to reconnect, talk about life issues, and just hang out and watch TV We also made a pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread. My heart really needed that time. Matt also told his life story at HC. I knew alot of it, but I never knew how he felt or what he thought throughout the different phases of his life, so that was really cool.

This weekend we'll be in Charleston. I was really looking forward to it, but now I'm not so sure. Matt's schedule came out crazy so I won't see him as much as I usually do and the room situation isn't going to work out like we hoped. I'm really nervous we'll share a room with his parents. I know he's comfortable with it, but it'd be really awkward for me. But we'll see what happens. Rooming assignments should be out today.

Linguistically, I feel that I'm hanging on by a thread. Once I am speaking in Spanish with a native speaker, I'm fine, but when I try to at home, I wind up with a French accent. I'm doing well not mixing words from languages (happens sometimes at home I do or in my head, but thankfull never in class or at the clinic). I'm picking up French easily, but I still feel like the class is going too fast and at the end I'll forget it all quickly. I wish I had more time and more places to practice. I wish i could be back in France even if just for a few days to really work on it. I also with I could be around all spanish speakers for just a few days! The good thing is, the more French I'm learning, the more Spanish and English grammar questions I have. I need to know the Spanish and English grammar better to be and interpreter/translator. The problem is that I learned those two languages mostly the natural way: picking it up through listening and experience. So I don't have a good grasp on the grammatical structure. I do have a good book, when I have some free time again (maybe this weekend), I'll probably go through it and figure out what the spanish equivalents are.

Ciao!

So, its been a long time, yea? Feels like forever since I've blogged and I don't know how long I'll stick with it. I need and outlet, a place to process... to breathe. Blogging does make me miss the old days sometimes and the old crew. But life now is good. Married, hoping to move to Spain to study interpretation and translation, two cute cats, decent jobs...Good yea? At the same time, I'm so busy I am missing the close connection of good friends apart from my husband. I miss having my group of girls I see consistently, not once every few weeks. I miss deep, real conversations, again outside of just my husband. I have friends, I just don't have the time for real, deep relationships. It feels like neither does anyone else I know right now. Besides, most everyone I knew has moved away now.

Its also weird, I thought it would be easier to "leave" my family when I got married. I never felt overly attached, but now that its fall I miss going home. I miss walking into the house and seeing the fallish way mom has decorated the house, I miss morning talks with dad and late night talks with mom, I miss riding and hiking and camping more often. Again, I love being married and having our own home, waking up next to my husband, but whenever I go through any stage of life, I'm notorious for feeling the loss of the last season of life. You know?

Which makes me think about what is to come. No matter where we end up, we know its going to be very different and far away from where we are. I'm enjoying the place where we are now, but I'm also excited about where we are going. I think its a healthy balance because I can live and enjoy now without fear of where we are going. Don't get me wrong, I get fearful at times. I mean, we're moving to who knows where in less than 3 months. I guess what scares me the most is that Matt hasn't had enough time to do his work here and apply for jobs. It makes me fearful that the time will come and we will have no where to go. But at the same time I know that won't happen.

Marriage. Marriage is an amazing thing. I do believe it is a way that God makes us holier because, in living with someone so closely for so long, we cannot hide our shortcomings and, in order to make it as a couple, we have to grow and change. I've seen big changes in both of us since we've gotten married (only 5 months ago!). Its beautiful, hurtful, challenging...and most of all points me back to the only One who can change me.

Time to focus on work before I get myself fired.

I had an amazing night tonight! We went out to dinner with Todd and Annika (its always fun to hang out with them) and then to the Astro to see PS I Love You. Depressing movie, but much better the second time around. I think I might buy the sound track. It really brings out in me how very deeply I love him and how hard and impossible it would be for me to get over losing him. The rest of the night was nice and simple: homework and TV. Very relaxing. I'm falling behind with all the wedding stuff I need to be doing, but I'm so much more sane and at peace when I let that stuff go. I mean, I want everything to go well, but sometimes its nice to have a break from it. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to get more of it done.

I realized that I would have loved to have been a nursing major. I mean, I can't regret my major too much because of my friends, the things I've learned and most of all the study abroad experience. That is something I never could dream of not having done. (Seeing Ireland in the movie made me miss it and made me remember why I told dad I was moving there at the soonest possible moment.) The study abroad forever changed me and my perspectives. Makes the rest of my major worth being forced through. Now, medical school did pop into my mind. All my reasons for not doing it are gone. I can stick people with needles and deal with hearing about diseases where organs melt if I need to. I am still drawn to physical therapy, but I wonder sometimes if I'll really help people doing that. I mean, I know I will...I'll help people walk, regain strength and movement, but there still is something about medicine that draws me, something that says medicine is more useful. But I do love how you can create your own schedule more in physical therapy, and you can leave the field for awhile and come back without a problem. It makes it alot easier to have a family in a field like that. I know I'll love it. But I'm going to second guess myself right up until I graduate from school for it most likely. Thanks for letting me think about all that. Probably boring for you to read.

Well, I have more to say, but I'm exhausted adn its 1am. Good night :-)

Today has been rough. I think I've split everything I've touched on top of scrambling to finish a lab report...

Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself, escape. I know running away won't help. I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me, especially him. I'm so distructive in my relationship. I freak out for no reason. I can't believe that I would ever even hint at the possibility that we shouldn't be together. I love him and think we'll be great, but when I get like that I question. I hate that I do that to him. Who would be so mean to put the one they love in a situation they know is hard for him? I freak and I make him stay to comfort me for it. I have this horrible feeling that one day he'll get sick of dealing with it and just leave. So whenever I"m like that and he starts to leave, or I think he starts to leave, I feel like my heart dies. Cause even when I'm crazy and question, I know I love him and only want to be with him forever. Who would put up with a person like me? I'm torture to be around. I should be more understanding towards him than anyone else -and I use to be - but now I put all these pointless pressures on him and get upset with him at stupid things. I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS WAY!! Why I am so broken? I pray that God will change me so I can be more like Him and also so I can treat those around me better. I know I've been saying I"ll go to counseling, but this time I'm not going back on it. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment next week with Redfern. I've been trying to change, and haven't. I need help. I don't know how they can help, but I can only hope that they can. So many times I've wished that they'd find out I had brain cancer so there would be a reason for this, this uncontrolable emotion. Unfortunately, I"m beginning to believe its just somethign about the way I'm made, something I have to work to overcome. Thank God for putting Matthew in my life!! Someone who puts up with my emotion and in that way he can help me over come it. Someday, hopefully soon, I"ll be a better person for him. I hate how slow change is. I love him so much!! I hate when I hurt him. He's an amazing person with a good heart.

Gonna be late for class. Peace. Pray for me to change.

I highly doubt anyone still reads this...which probably why I want to start writing here again. No worrying about offending anyone or saying something I shouldn't. Its a freeing feeling. But if anyone is still reading it, I probably should give a small update on my life. I survived the semester, shadowed more at a physical therapy office, got two kittens named Indigo and Aurora, and am still set to graduate in May. I'm engaged, as of New Years Eve. My sister became engaged three days later. My wedding is set for May 17th and Sarah's will probably be in October. We found a place to live in Central for May through whenever we leave Clemson. I'll stay here and work until Matt finishes his graduate work in December, then we'll move to where he can find a job and I can get into physical therapy school.

Life hasn't been bad. Really good actually. Excited about what teh future will bring and my classes are fairly interesting. Still struggling with my uncontrollable emotions and doubts. I hope to set aside time each day this semester to relax and time to seek God. I really need that. Life feels like its moving so fast.

I'm not thinking too clearly right now, kinda tired and my back hurts. I've been having back problems recently and its ben giving me headaches. I'm going to call the doctor this week and try to see what's up.

Now that there was a catch up post, I'll hopefully be able to post more often and more meaningfully. We'll see.

So its been a pretty busy but pretty good week. I've felt pretty productive this week and have gotten a lot done (alot more still needs to be done though). We started pick up soccer on Wednesday nights which was a lot of fun. I enjoy playing, especially with people I know. Tuesday night house church was also really good. I always feel like I get a lot out of it there. I could say alot about that, but I think I'm just going to give a blanket post tonight. I'm barely staying afloat (on top of all the work) in my classes, but I'm less stressed about it now. Matt's been really helpful with that and I guess I'm also realizing that all I can do is the best I can and God will use whatever happens and wherever I end up. I can't screw up so bad that I fall out of His plan. I guess don't worry so much about messing up my own life, but messing up someone elses because I screw up. But I just need to trust that I'll be loved no matter what happens and that God is still in control no matter what happens. I'm really going to try to get back into the habit of reading scripture while eating breakfast in the morning. I was reading psalm 86 this morning and verses 11-13 and verse 15 has been my prayers. Its amazing how words from the past can resonate so well with us today. An undivided hear that I may fear your name.
It was good meeting Amy this morning. It was alittle awkward since it was teh first time I've had a full conversation with her, but it was cool too because we connected more than I thought. I hope to continue getting to know her better. And I really am so blessed with my roommates this semester. Everyday I realize it again. They're such awesome girls. ANd for me to say that, me who doesn't do well with groups of girls, is saying alot. I hope to hang out with Amanda more cause she's really an awesome person and also meet up with Min Young some. I think this is the first year my number of friends who are girls out number or are almost the same number as my friends who are guys. Crazy. Its going to be weird in May when people start to disperse. But the best thing about my life this semester is my closest friend. I'm soo amazingly blessed to be with him and so headover heels for him. Makes me smile just thinking about it.

Ever feel like you just aren't good enough no matter how hard you try? Yea..been feeling that this week.