Thursday, February 14, 2008
Today has been rough. I think I've split everything I've touched on top of scrambling to finish a lab report...
Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself, escape. I know running away won't help. I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me, especially him. I'm so distructive in my relationship. I freak out for no reason. I can't believe that I would ever even hint at the possibility that we shouldn't be together. I love him and think we'll be great, but when I get like that I question. I hate that I do that to him. Who would be so mean to put the one they love in a situation they know is hard for him? I freak and I make him stay to comfort me for it. I have this horrible feeling that one day he'll get sick of dealing with it and just leave. So whenever I"m like that and he starts to leave, or I think he starts to leave, I feel like my heart dies. Cause even when I'm crazy and question, I know I love him and only want to be with him forever. Who would put up with a person like me? I'm torture to be around. I should be more understanding towards him than anyone else -and I use to be - but now I put all these pointless pressures on him and get upset with him at stupid things. I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS WAY!! Why I am so broken? I pray that God will change me so I can be more like Him and also so I can treat those around me better. I know I've been saying I"ll go to counseling, but this time I'm not going back on it. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment next week with Redfern. I've been trying to change, and haven't. I need help. I don't know how they can help, but I can only hope that they can. So many times I've wished that they'd find out I had brain cancer so there would be a reason for this, this uncontrolable emotion. Unfortunately, I"m beginning to believe its just somethign about the way I'm made, something I have to work to overcome. Thank God for putting Matthew in my life!! Someone who puts up with my emotion and in that way he can help me over come it. Someday, hopefully soon, I"ll be a better person for him. I hate how slow change is. I love him so much!! I hate when I hurt him. He's an amazing person with a good heart.
Gonna be late for class. Peace. Pray for me to change.
Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself, escape. I know running away won't help. I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me, especially him. I'm so distructive in my relationship. I freak out for no reason. I can't believe that I would ever even hint at the possibility that we shouldn't be together. I love him and think we'll be great, but when I get like that I question. I hate that I do that to him. Who would be so mean to put the one they love in a situation they know is hard for him? I freak and I make him stay to comfort me for it. I have this horrible feeling that one day he'll get sick of dealing with it and just leave. So whenever I"m like that and he starts to leave, or I think he starts to leave, I feel like my heart dies. Cause even when I'm crazy and question, I know I love him and only want to be with him forever. Who would put up with a person like me? I'm torture to be around. I should be more understanding towards him than anyone else -and I use to be - but now I put all these pointless pressures on him and get upset with him at stupid things. I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS WAY!! Why I am so broken? I pray that God will change me so I can be more like Him and also so I can treat those around me better. I know I've been saying I"ll go to counseling, but this time I'm not going back on it. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment next week with Redfern. I've been trying to change, and haven't. I need help. I don't know how they can help, but I can only hope that they can. So many times I've wished that they'd find out I had brain cancer so there would be a reason for this, this uncontrolable emotion. Unfortunately, I"m beginning to believe its just somethign about the way I'm made, something I have to work to overcome. Thank God for putting Matthew in my life!! Someone who puts up with my emotion and in that way he can help me over come it. Someday, hopefully soon, I"ll be a better person for him. I hate how slow change is. I love him so much!! I hate when I hurt him. He's an amazing person with a good heart.
Gonna be late for class. Peace. Pray for me to change.
Comments:
Post a Comment
